Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Out of his Depth Charge. He’s the…

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Week of August 31, 2012

I lost my sea legs at war. First up…

Battleship

During wartime, the Navy positions its self far away from the front lines. When they do participant, it’s only to lob phallic looking missiles at the enemy from the safety of the ocean.

Surprisingly, the seamen and women in this sci-fi movie actually go toe-to-toe with their alien adversaries. 

When NASA transmits a signal to an Earth-like planet, it receives an answer in the form alien spacecraft that crash-land off the coast of Hawaii.

While their ships are disabled, the visitors are actively trying to establish communication with their home planet.  

Preventing them from accomplishing that is a hotshot lieutenant (Taylor Kitsch), his older brother (Alexander Skarsgård), and a motley crew (Rihanna, Jesse Plemons) of green recruits.

Based on the board game, Battleship is boilerplate invasion material: the dialogue is corny, the aliens uninspired and the heroes American.

Besides, the board game most akin to an extraterrestrial encounter is Operation.  0

Think Like a Man

If women start to think like men there’s going to be a lot of women walking around fondling their breasts.

And while this comedy isn’t about checking your BFFs out in the shower, it is about mimicking the male mindset.

Narrated by recently separated Cedric (Kevin Hart), Think Like a Man follows four friends (Romany Malco, Terrence Jenkins, Jerry Ferrara, Michael Ealy) as they navigate the relationship minefield.

While each of the friends corresponds to a clichéd category, so, too, do the women they pursue (Taraji P. Henson, Regina Hall, Gabrielle Union, Meagan Good).

However, the ladies have been consulting a book that expounds the secrets of a male’s state of mind in terms of courting and marriage. 

While it oversimplifies the masculine psyche, this adaptation of Steve Harvey’s book does have sage advice and a riotous performance from Kevin Hart.

As for thinking like a woman: Just act crazy.  0

The Lucky One

Some dating advice for soldiers returning home from war is to not wear their creepy army coat on a first date.

Fortunately, the trooper in this love story left his army issued apparel in his closet.

Following a night raid, US Marine Logan (Zac Efron), spots an abandoned photo of an American woman on the ground and picks it up, moments before another attack.

Convinced the image is providence, Logan sets out to find the older woman when he returns stateside.

Eventually landing in Louisiana, Logan locates the mystery woman, Beth (Taylor Schilling), who runs a kennel with her mother (Blythe Danner) and son.

However, Beth’s ex (Jay R. Ferguson) threatens their growing affection for one another.  

With Nicholas Sparks’ mawkish hallmarks, this adaptation adheres to his brand of endangered love with an obligatory fatality.

As for dating a veteran, you’ll need a secondary coatrack for all of their prosthetics.  0 

The Pirates! Band of Misfits

When it comes to terrorizing ships on the high seas, there’s only one word that instills fear in crewmates: Greenpeace.

However, as this stop-motion picture suggests, in the 1800s pirates were the pestering protesters of their day.

Determined to win Pirate of the Year, Pirate Captain (Hugh Grant) sets sails with his half-baked crew (Brendan Gleeson, Anton Yelchin, Ashley Jensen, Al Roker) to uncover a booty that will outshine his fellow plunderers (Salma Hayek, Jeremy Piven, Lenny Henry).

While ransacking Charles Darwin’s (David Tennant) boat, Pirate Captain learns of his parrot’s evolutionary rarity. 

Despite Queen Victoria’s (Imelda Staunton) intolerance towards pirates, he travels to London to claim riches for it.

With a lively cast, stunningly sculptured sets, and plenty of pert, this 3-D adaptation of the British book series is funnier than most adult comedies. 

Incidentally, the worst part of winning pirate of the year is excavating the buried trophy. 0

***Navel Gazing***

McHale’s Navy

The easiest way to defeat the navy is to get out of the water.

Unfortunately, the terrorist in this comedy seized control of an island.

Decommissioned Lt. Commander McHale (Tom Arnold) comes out of retirement after his old enemy Major Vladikov (Tim Curry) commandeers a Caribbean island in hopes of turning it into a shared nuclear missile silo for China and Russia.

Now, it’s up to the cunning commander and his screwball crew (French Stewart, Bruce Campbell, Brian Haley, Tommy Chong) to cancel out the pesky ruski’s plans for world domination.

Nevertheless, McHale faces opposition from a commanding officer (Dean Stockwell), a lieutenant (Debra Messing) and an ensign (David Alan Grier).

While it features cameos from the old TV show it’s based on, McHale’s Navy lacks the comedic chops to do its predecessor justice, save for a few blips. 

Incidentally, the most action the navy sees is on shore leave. 

He’s Ship Don’t Sink. He’s the…

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