He’s a Wedding Zinger. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of September 7, 2012
I always cry at wedding buffet lines. First up…
Five-years is exactly how long the intermission between wedding ceremony and reception feels.
And while this dramedy doesn’t divulge on what to do with said downtime, it does dispense hints on how to elongate an espousal.
Tom (Jason Segel) and Violet’s (Emily Blunt) engagement is first impeded when Tom’s friend (Chris Pratt) knocks up Violet’s sister (Alison Brie), and they marry instead.
A subsequent intrusion involves Tom giving up his job in San Francisco to move to Michigan so that Violent can go to school.
With no opportunities in the blue-collar burg, Tom slips into a sad existence, this, in turn, causes Violet to make bad choices.
Unable to bring balance to a sobering love story with a puerile sex romp mentality, The Five-Year Engagement morphs into a pitiable and long-winded patchwork of the two.
On the bright side, a 5-year engagement is a lot better than a 5-year marriage. 0
The reason why Asian gangs don’t excel at drive-bys is their high performance sports cars drive-by way too fast.
Fortunately, the Asian gang in this actioneer is more into extortion than firing weapons from whips going mach 1.
A Chinese girl with a photographic memory, Mei (Catherine Chan), is kidnapped by the Triads and forced by their leader (James Hong) to use her math skills to calculate their weekly shakedown of local businesses.
One day as Mei is being manhandled in public, a disgrace cage-fighter, Luke (Jason Statham), comes to her aid.
By doing this Luke unintentionally involves himself in a gang war between the Triads, the Russians and New York’s most corrupt cops, which will eventually bring him face-to-face with his wife’s killer.
While the fist/gun fights are superbly choreographed, the plot is passé and the performances paint-by-number.
Besides, having kids in your gang makes gangbanging after dark impossible. 0
Piranha 3DD
The best way to control the piranha population is to turn the species into a Chinese delicacy.
And since this horror/comedy takes place at a water park all there is to do now is bring this piranha fin soup to a simmer.
One-year after a school of flesh eating, prehistoric piranha’s feasted on boatloads of beach goers their offspring attempt to eradicate the bare-skinned bathers of a water-slide strip club.
When rumors of the rabid fish resurface Maddy (Danielle Panabaker), the reluctant co-owner of the water park, tries to convince her step-dad (David Koechner) not to pipe in water from an underground source.
But with opening day looming, Maddy and her doting employee (Matt Bush) must prevent the imminent bloodbath.
The unnecessary sequel to Piranha 3D, 3DD doesn’t deliver the laughs or the attacks the way the original did.
Besides, X-rated water parks should be using hand-sanitizer instead of water. 0
***Off the 3-Deep End***
Jaws 3D
The best thing about seeing a Great White Shark in 3D is that you’ll look so stupid wearing those 3D glasses that it’ll be too busy laughing at you to attack.
However, no comical-looking headgear could keep the aquatic killer in this horror movie from ravaging you.
A juvenile shark infiltrates the gates separating SeaWorld from the sea.
Inside the underwater attraction, the finned-intruder begins preying on the animals and their trainers.
When employees (Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong) go to the park manager (Louis Gossett, Jr.) with this news, he decides to profit off it.
But when the mother comes looking for her pup, visitors trapped in the park’s submerged tunnel system become its victims.
The second sequel to Jaws, Jaws 3D is a lackluster contribution to the seafaring series that jumps the shark with this installment.
Besides, SeaWorld doesn’t need any outside help in killing their captive animal population.
He’s a Shark Cage Fighter. He’s the…
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