Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's the Immoral of the Story. He’s the…

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Week of September 14, 2012

Sleepy Beauty was roofied. First up…

Snow White and the Huntsman

Oh, boy! I can’t wait to see some axe-wielding nimrod pursuing his prey while coked out on fresh powder.

Hold on! Snow White in this fantasy appears to be a woman and not some epic nose candy.

Following her mother’s death, Snow White’s (Kristen Stewart) father marries Ravenna (Charlize Theron), a woman fixated on youth.

Ravenna’s reign is meteoric and merciless. Discarding of the King, she imprisons Snow in hopes of eating her heart.

When Snow escapes, a huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) is sent to kill her - instead he falls in love. 

With the aid of seven dwarves (Nick Frost, Ray Winstone, Ian McShane), the couple helms an attack on the Queen and her magic mirror.

A violent interpretation of the Grimm fairy tale, the aesthetics of SWATH are noteworthy; however, save for Theron, the performances are preposterous. 

As for the moral of the story: to stay young, eat young.  0

What to Expect When Expecting

The first thing to expect when you are expecting is Maury Povich to invite you onto his talk show to ascertain the real father of your kid.

Fortunately the women in this dramedy know who impregnated them.

Wendy (Elizabeth Banks) is expecting her first child with her husband (Ben Falcone) whose competitive father (Dennis Quaid) is having twins with his much younger wife (Brooklyn Decker).

Holly (Jennifer Lopez) and her husband Alex (Rodrigo Santoro) are thinking about adoption. To acclimatize Alex, Holly sends him to a group of dads (Chris Rock, Thomas Lennon, Rob Huebel) who philosophize about fatherhood.

With three other inane stories synchronized to the aforementioned, it’s hard to keep track of everything going on, let alone care about the couples in this adaptation of the pregnancy guide.

As for my stance on pregnancy: Women should give birth the old fashion way...in a nuns' convent, in shame.  0

***Afterbirth Day*** 

Rumpelstiltskin

The argument for and against removing a boy’s rumpelstiltskin is a gross one that should not be depicted in a movie.

Fortunately, the rumpelstiltskin in this horror is a goblin that steals children, not the removal of access epidermis. 

Centuries ago, a demonic creature christened Rumpelstiltskin was forever encased inside of a bauble.

Nowadays, Rumpelstiltskin’s ornate prison finds itself on a dusty shelf of a store dedicated to the occult. 

One day, mom Shelley (Kim Johnston Ulrich) happens upon the curio shop and enters. Captivated by the object, she purchases it and takes it home.

But when the creepy tchotchke is accidentally trashed, Rumpelstiltskin escapes and carries on his baby-napping ways - starting with Shelley’s newborn.

Inspired by the Grimm fairy tale, this low-budget parable’s attempt at terror only results in laughable performances and a weak plot.

Besides, if he’s so into baby-napping, why doesn’t Rumpelstiltskin just become an au pair?

He’s a Folk Laureate. He's the...

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