He’s a Food Court Jester. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of August 11, 2017
Never stick your tongue to a cold suit of
armour. First up…
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Knights only wore their suit of armour when
they’d secretly send street urchins to battle in their stead.
However, the scoundrel in this
action-fantasy won’t need to impersonate one for long.
Reared in a brothel by courtesans, the
orphaned Arthur (Charlie Hunnam) grew up to be a petty criminal, completely
unaware of his royal pedigree.
That is until he abstracts a sword from a
stone and learns the King of England (Jude Law) is actually his uncle, and that
he killed his father (Eric Bana). The king now hopes to invoke black magic to
end the Pendragon lineage.
Directed by Guy Richie, this rip-roaring
reimagining of the Arthurian legend never relents with its stylized sword
fights, clever dialogue and liberal alterations to the source material.
However, its rapid-fire pacing can’t smokescreen the pitiful performances.
Incidentally, the number one killer of all
governing monarchs is the next in line for the throne. Yellow Light
Snatched
The upside to vacationing with your parents
is that they wake early enough to get good poolside loungers.
Nonetheless, the party girl in this comedy
tried her hardest to find anyone else to take.
Stuck with an extra ticket to Ecuador after
her boyfriend dumps her, recently unemployed Emily (Amy Schumer) has no other
option but to offer it to her overly mistrusting mother (Goldie Hawn).
Their retreat takes a turn for the worse
when they’re kidnapped by a crime lord (Óscar Jaenada) and accidentally kill
his nephew. On the run, they must make it to the US consulate before he catches
them.
With scant character development between
the bickering mother and daughter duo before, during and after their
experience, this poorly structured romp relies too heavily on its humorous
leads to offset its lack of story.
Fortunately, when you travel with family
there’s always someone to identify your body.
Red Light
***Knight Vision***
Sword of the Valiant: The Legend of Sir
Gawain and the Green Knight
The worst thing about the Round Table was
it never had enough chairs for everyone.
Fortunately, a squire – like the one in
this fantasy – makes an excellent bench.
When the mythical Green Knight (Sean
Connery) storms King Arthur’s court and challengers the Knights of the Round
Table to a contest of courage, only a lowly page, Gawain (Miles O'Keeffe), is
brave enough to accept the duel.
But when young Gawain fails to behead the
Green Knight, he is given exactly one year to solve a riddle or the knight will
return to decapitate him.
Despite its valiant efforts to bring the
Arthurian era poem to vivid life, this 1984 British effort is plagued with poor
production values, uproarious wigs, and feeble performances. Those factors –
and more - contribute to the film’s obscurity.
Luckily, in the Middle Ages you would
probably be dead of the black plague in a year’s time.
He’s a Round Table Dancer. He’s the…
Vidiot
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