He’s a Reaction Figure. He’s the…
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Week of October 3, 2014
Boxed action figures can't give you lead
poisoning. First up…
Transformers: Age of Extinction
The most important ally any machine with moving parts can
have is WD-40.
Unfortunately the rusting robots in this action movie are
without.
Amateur inventor Cade (Mark Wahlberg) stumbles on a
dilapidated semi truck that turns out to be Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen).
Elsewhere, a rogue CIA agent (Kelsey Grammer) intent on
eradicating the transformers pairs with a scientist (Stanley Tucci) close to
unlocking their transformative properties.
Now Cade, his daughter (Nicola Peltz), and the Autobots must
stop the human-made transformer Galvatron from amassing an army of Decepticon.
With nauseating camera-work, unnecessary product placement
and a 3-hour go-nowhere plot, this 4th installment in the franchise may
introduce new humans and inhumans to the cast, but they can’t conceal the fact
that Michael Bay is still the director.
What’s more, there comes a time in every transformer’s life
when they just need to transform into an ethnic food truck and
retire. Red Light
Million Dollar Arm
It makes sense that Hindi-speaking athletes would gravitate
towards baseball since there’s a team called the Indians.
Racial epithets aside this sports-drama does involve players
from India.
When down-and-out sports agent J. B. Bernstein (Jon Hamm)
vacillates between a televised cricket match and a singing competition, he
formulates a plan to invigorate his firm with talent from India.
Convinced he’ll find the next great baseball pitcher through
a reality TV show format, J.B. enlists a cantankerous scout (Alan Arkin) to be
a judge in the competition.
Eventually, J.B. discovers two worthy candidates (Suraj
Sharma, Madhur Mittal) and ships them back to America to try out for the
majors.
Based on a true story, Million Dollar Arm is a boilerplate
feel-good Disney sports movie that concludes as expected, with no complexity or
ingenuity required.
On a related note, females traveling to India alone should
always bring a baseball bat with them. Yellow Light
The Grand Seduction
The best part of living in Newfoundland is you can move to
Alberta to work.
Mind you, the Newfies in this comedy hope to get into the
oil game without leaving their isolated harbour.
In order to entice big oil to their down-and-out community,
the mayor (Brendan Gleeson) must first secure a town doctor.
His prayers are answered when a townie blackmails a cokehead
plastic surgeon (Taylor Kitsch) into being the local medic for a month.
Their endgame, however, is for him to stay permanently, so
they feign interest in Cricket, Jazz and Indian cuisine for his sake.
Meanwhile, the postmistress (Liane Balaban) refuses to
participant in the town’s con.
Despite its shaky plot points and tacked-on love story, this
remake of a Francophone comedy has enough heart, humour and oddball characters
to make up for its shortcomings.
But in reality, unemployed Newfies should be seducing the
Cod to spawn. Green Light
Chef
The best thing about owning a food truck is you can easily
elude the health inspector.
Mind you, the meals-on-wheels in this dramedy appear on the
up-and up.
Tired of being at the mercy of his boss’ (Dustin Hoffman)
outmoded menu and humiliated by an online food critic (Oliver Platt), Carl (Jon
Favreau) quits his head chef job.
On the advice of his ex-wife (Sofía Vergara), he goes to
Miami to refurbish a dilapidated taco truck with his social media savvy son
(Emjay Anthony) and former cook (John Leguizamo).
With his son documenting their return trip on Twitter,
Carl’s Cuban food truck forms a huge following, including former detractors.
With a heavy web presence and little footing in reality,
Chef evokes more sentimentality through online montages accompanied by
feel-good songs than it does through any discourse between father and son.
Incidentally, when you dine on the street the homeless are
your busboys. Yellow Light
***Soylent Green Beans***
Delicatessen
In a post-apocalyptic future the world’s Cheez Whiz supply
would have to be used to re-caulk all the buildings.
Thankfully the tenants in this sci-fi comedy don’t have to
lick cracks for sustenance.
On the ground floor of a dilapidated apartment is a butcher
(Jean-Claude Dreyfus) who always has fresh meat despite there being a food
shortage.
Answering an ad in the newspaper, Louison (Dominique Pinon)
lands the job of assistant to the butcher.
Eventually Louison’s charms win over the butcher’s daughter
Julie (Marie-Laure Dougnac). But with her father planning on putting Louison on
the menu, she seeks the assistance of an underground cell of rebellious
vegetarians.
Conceptualized by the director of Amélie, Delicatessen is a
quirky cannibal love-story crammed with eccentric characters that never takes
itself too seriously, or too lighthearted.
Furthermore, with all the hormones and preservatives we
ingest, human meat would have a very long shelf life.
He’s a Vienna Sausage Party. He’s the…
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