Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Over Seasoned Professional. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of February 10, 2011

Does rabbit taste cute? First up…

Life As We Know It 

Nowadays, it’s commonplace for two people who don’t love each other to raise their child in a hostile environment.

Surprisingly, while the at odds couple in this rom-com are doing just that, they’re doing so with someone else’s kid.

When they first meet on a blind date set-up by their mutual friends Peter and Alison (Christina Hendricks), uptight Holly (Katherine Heigl) and free-spirited Messer (Josh Duhamel) vow to never see each other again.

But their common connection makes that impossible. And when their friends are killed in a car accident, the pair must put aside their differences and assume custody of the couple’s 1-year-old daughter and palatial home.

With Katherine Heigl portraying another lovesick female browbeating a deadbeat male into submission, Life As We Know It is redundant. Furthermore, its formulaic nature is an affront.   

Besides, as a legal guardian, all you get to do is sign school permission slips.  0

You Again

Thanks to technology adults can now friend their old high school tormenter online and then proceed to cyber-bully them, their family, and friends to death.

Unfortunately, instead of confronting her former rival from the safety of her laptop, the belittled victim in this comedy does so in-person.

Former high school loser Marni’s (Kristen Bell) excitement over her brother’s engagement quickly turns to contempt when she learns he is marrying her ex-bully Jay-Jay (Odette Yustman).

Enraged even more by Jay-Jay’s newfound disposition and inability to recollect her bullying ways, Marni makes it her mission to expose Jay-Jay as the bully she was.

Meanwhile, the girls’ moms (Jamie Lee Curtis, Sigourney Weaver) revive their own high school rivalry.

Marred by ham-fisted performances and a superficial script, You Again is an unequivocal mess.

Besides, the best form of revenge against your current or former bully is to blame them in your suicide note.  0

Paranormal Activity 2

The worst thing about being haunted by a suicide victim is that when they’re not stealing your razors, they’re leaving your car running with the garage door closed.

Fortunately for the family in this horror movie, the lingering apparition in their home is not melancholy, but malicious.

When their home is broken into, Dan (Brian Boland) and his new wife Kristi (Sprague Grayden) have cameras installed.

Later, it’s revealed that a spiteful spirit hell-bent on possessing the soul of the couple’s newborn son is the real perpetrator.

Set months before the events of the first movie took place, PA2 fills in all the blanks, including the demon’s true intent.

While its scares are reminiscent of its predecessor, the vindictive spirit storyline that this installment forges is more frightening than the first.

But remember, ghosts are just invisible bullies that will back down if you say ‘Uncle’ in a firm tone.  0   

My Soul To Take 

The best thing about having multiple personalities is that you can take real advantage of Groupon offers.

Unfortunately, the identity disorder sufferer in this horror movie is not scoring reasonably priced hot air balloon rides, but instead, killing teenagers.

 In 1994, Abel (Raul Esparza) is made aware of the fact that one of his personalities is the homicidal Riverton Ripper.

Although he tries to resist the pushy persona, Abel is ultimately shot by police. While his physical form dies, Abel’s personalities live on in the souls of seven Riverton area children, including his own son Bug (Max Thieriot).

Sixteen years later, the soulless Abel returns to reclaim his property from the septet.

Though it has hints of ingenuity, its low-rent actors and weak-ass kills makes this Wes Craven concocted cutup a complete bore.

Besides, the real threat against the souls of teenagers is women over the age of 40.  0

Monsters

The best thing about going to war with a different species is that you can eat the dead without getting weird looks.

Unfortunately, the strangers traveling through monster-infected Mexico in this sci-fi movie don’t want to masticate their enemy.

With cephalopod creatures spreading throughout the jungles and US troops combating them along the way, Mexico becomes a war zone.

Concerned over the wellbeing of his recently engaged daughter, Samantha (Whitney Able), a wealthy industrialist hires a photographer, Andrew (Scoot McNairy), to escort her back to America.

But when their passports are stolen, the couple must travel by foot if they hope to make it to the boarder.

Utilizing the sci-fi setting to critique US immigration laws, Monsters is definitely a political statement.

However, the romance enveloping the avowal is a declaration of love.

Besides, who knows? Maybe these multi-limbed illegal aliens could someday make great nannies for affluent American children.  0

***Carousel Your Soul***

Carnival of Souls

Although a carnival of souls sounds enticing, it’s probably safe to assume that most of the souls there are sticky from cotton candy and queasy from the tilt-a-whirl.

Fortunately, the soul-centric carnival Mary Henry (Candace Hilligoss) is attending in this horror movie is vomit-free.

After she's forced off of a bridge during a drag race, Mary awakens to find herself detached from her surroundings.

Later, while en route to a new life in Salt Lake City, she is drawn towards an abandoned amusement park. All the while, she is haunted by the specter of a pale-faced male.

Once settled as the local church’s new organist, Mary continues her visits to the ominous carnival grounds.

Although it’s touted as a B-movie, the 1962 original-–as opposed to Wes Craven’s 1998 remake–is a landmark in spooky cinema.

The irony, however, is that to work for a carnival, one must be soulless.

He’s a Succubus Driver. He’s the... 

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