He’s a Backhand Puppet. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of August 15, 2014
Marionettes come with strings attached. First up…
Muppets Most Wanted
If the Muppets ever died in a theater fire, it would be the
most delicious tragedy ever.
Fortunately, the anthropomorphic entertainers in this family
film don’t have a theater to charbroil in.
Riding high off of their return to pop culture, Kermit the
Frog, Miss Piggy and the rest of their vaudevillian comrades ponder their next
step.
Approached by talent agent (Ricky Gervais) to tour Europe,
the gang naively agrees.
However, the gigs are just a cover so Kermit’s criminal
doppelganger can steal the Crown Jewels of England.
Meanwhile, the real Kermit rots in a Gulag inhabited by
Russia’s roughest prisoners (Ray Liotta, Tom Hiddleston, Jemaine Clement, Josh
Groban) and cruelest guards (Tina Fey, Toby Jones, Stanley Tucci).
With cheeky ditties, self-deprecating celebrities and social
satirizing at their finest, this eighth addition to the canon ranks among the
franchise’s funniest.
Coincidentally, in prison most inmates are treated like hand
puppets. Green Light
Locke
The ingenious thing about handsfree is it allows you to put
both hands on that circular device that guides the tires.
Luckily, advanced mechanics is not required for this drama.
On the eve of the biggest concrete pour of his career, Locke
(Tom Hardy) faces the biggest quandary of his life when the woman he had an
affair with goes into labour.
Unwilling to abandon the child like his father did him,
Locke drives to London to be with her, at the expense of an evening with his
family.
Meanwhile, it’s up to Locke’s assistant (Ben Daniels) to
save tomorrow’s pour, under Locke’s guidance.
Told through phone calls had in a car, Locke makes great use
of voice acting to propel the narrative; however, the humdrum subject matter doesn't lend well to the medium.
Besides driving, the only other calls you need to make
handsfree are to phone sex workers.
Yellow Light
Filth
The upside to being a corrupt cop is that you’ll have plenty
of friends when you go to prison.
And while this crime-dramedy isn’t about being the new fish,
it is about being a pig.
Tasked with finding the street-gang that killed a Chinese
student, Detective Sergeant Bruce Robertson (James McAvoy) stumbles his way
through the case drunk, high and horny.
All the while scheming his co-workers (Jamie Bell, Imogen
Poots) out of a coveted promotion, and making dirty phone calls.
Plagued by animal faced hallucination and sexual deviancy,
Bruce descends into self-medicated madness where he uncovers the reason behind
his hesitancy towards the case.
Based on the book by Irvine Welsh, Filth is a grimy farm
animal allegory that will offend with its amorality and brutality as often as
it entertains with its over-the-top scenes of absurdity and drug-fuel
debauchery.
Incidentally, joining a corrupt police force is relatively
inexpensive. Green Light
A Haunted House 2
The best way to protect your new home from becoming a haven
for supernatural entities is to convert into a sage grow-op.
Mind you, the homeowner in this comedy would likely grow something
greener.
After his girlfriend (Essence Atkins) is killed, Malcolm
(Marlon Wayans) moves in with a white girl (Jaime Pressly) and her daughter
(Ashley Rickards).
Shortly after moving in Malcolm again feels the presence of
evil. However, this time it comes in the form of a demonically possessed doll
and teenager.
Seeking the advice of religious and spiritual experts
(Cedric the Entertainer, Missi Pyle, Hayes MacArthur) Malcolm attempts to
exercise his abode.
Meanwhile, his reanimated ex has moved in next-door.
The same low-end parody as the first, part 2 continues to
lampoon the latest crop of exorcist inspired horror movies with disastrously
and humorless results.
Furthermore, aren't all blended family homes required to have a black-and-white picket fence? Red
Light
***Haunted Housing Market***
Hausu (House)
The key to selling a haunted house is staging it with
spider-webs, chalk outlines and portraits with peepholes cut in them.
However, it is the portrait itself providing the scares in
this horror movie.
Gorgeous (Kimiko Ikegami) and her classmates (Ai Matsubara,
Eriko Tanaka, Miki Jinbo, Mieko Sato, Masayo Miyako, Kumiko Oba) head to her
aunt’s house for the summer when her father’s new girlfriend ruins her vacation
plans.
It’s not long before they find themselves terrorized by a
bloodthirsty grand piano, an ectoplasm spewing cat portrait that has been
watching them since they arrived, and a women in a white wedding gown.
A uniquely bizarre viewing experience, this 1977 Japanese
import uses animation and puppetry to bring its warped brand of gruesomeness to
life.
Visually appealing and appalling, Hausu is a benchmark in
cult cinema.
As for the best way to kill a possessed house: insulate it
with asbestos.
He makes Morgue-age Payments. He’s the…
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