Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a White-Collar Crime Fighter. He’s the…

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Week of May 18, 2018

Separate whites, colours and delicates? Washing machines are racist. First up…

Black Panther

The worst part of being a black superhero is when you turn supervillains over to authorities you get arrested.

Thankfully, the African-American protector in this action movie runs his own country.

Sworn to defend the clandestine nation of Wakanda, the mantle of Black Panther has been passed down through the ages where it – as well as the title of king – has now been bestowed on T'Challa (Chadwick Boseman).

But not everyone supports that royal appointment, namely the outsider Killmonger (Michael B. Jordan) and his arms dealing ally (Andy Serkis) who is after Wakandan resources.

With a culturally rich narrative that transcends race and sex, Marvel’s most complex Avenger takes center stage. Backed by a stellar supporting cast as multifaceted as him, Black Panther’s first solo outing is not only a milestone for the genre but the industry.     

Now, let’s work towards a day when T’Challa can simply be called: Panther. Green Light

Red Sparrow

The only difference between female spy and prostitute is one gets to garrote their client afterwards.

For more on the sexual exploits of espionage look no further than this thriller.

Dominika’s (Jennifer Lawrence) uncle recruits her to join Russian Intelligence after she injures herself at ballet and is unable to support her ailing mother.

In spy school, she and other students are taught the art of seduction in its most brutal forms. Obstinate through the entire process, Dom eventually graduates to Sparrow status and is assigned to the US to beguile a CIA agent (Joel Edgerton) for Intel.

Slow, convoluted and graphically violent, both physically and sexually, this tepid adaptation of the bestseller also lacks chemistry between leads and spends an inordinate amount of time on rape and potential rape situations. Meanwhile the action is limited and unsettling.

Incidentally, suave male spies also have to sleep with fat, old politicians.  Red Light    

The 15:17 to Paris

The first thing the US Army teaches you is which end of the gun to point away from yourself.

Luckily, the recruits in this drama are already familiar with firearms.

Obsessed with military combat, Spencer Stone and Alek Skarlatos enlist right out of high school. Leaving their moms (Judy Greer, Jenna Fischer) behind the pair meet up with their civilian friend Anthony Sadler for a European vacation.     

But when the trio board the 15:17 train to Paris out of Amsterdam they inadvertently walk into a terrorist plot. Although unarmed, the Yanks take the armed extremists head-on.

While the heroic actions of the September 2016 event are certainly laudable, having the actual participants portray themselves in this biography is disastrous. Moreover, having director Clint Eastwood explore their childhood only makes the heroes seem like dimwitted warmongering, religious nuts.

Besides, Americans are perpetually poised to attack anyone who looks like a terrorist.  Red Light

***Purple Panther***

The Phantom

The reason Africa doesn’t have any superheroes is because they were shipped to the US as slaves.

Sadly, the only guardian the Motherland has is the white guy in this action movie.

The legend of The Phantom has been told in African lore for generations. Now, like his father (Patrick McGoohan), Kit Walker (Billy Zane) must become The Ghost Who Walks.

Sworn to safeguard Bengalla, the purple protector returns when industrialist Xander Drax (Treat Williams), his deadly assistant (Catherine Zeta-Jones) and Kit’s ex-girlfriend (Kristy Swanson) come to the undisclosed island for the powerful Skulls of Touganda.

Released at the end of the pulp hero renaissance of the 1990s, this earnest adaptation of Lee Falk’s comic strip icon is faithful to its swashbuckling roots. And while its whitewashed veneer is troubling, the campy adventure remains fun.

Incidentally, strutting around the jungle in purple is an excellent way to attract a peahen.

He Wields a Power Ring Tone. He’s the…

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