He’s a Ball Gag Order. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of May 11, 2018
Ceiling mirrors are impossible to clean.
First up…
Fifty Shades Freed
A hidden benefit to BDSM relationships is
the spanking prepares both participants for parenthood.
This romantic drama, however, occurs
subsequent to the embargo on corporal punishment.
After he ties the matrimonial knot,
Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) ties his new bride Anastasia Steele-Grey (Dakota Johnson) to
their wedding bed and dominates her.
But the newlywed’s hedonistic honeymoon is
cut short when Ana’s old boss turned crazed stalker (Eric Johnson) escapes from
custody and kidnaps Christian’s adopted sister (Rita Ora). While the taciturn
tycoon is willing to accept the kidnapper’s terms, he is hesitant to
acknowledge the child growing inside of Ana.
Comprised predominantly of montages of
clips from the previous two films, this final installment in the erotic journey
limps towards the finish line with an undeveloped plot and insipid performances
barely holding it together.
Incidentally, the best wedding gift to get
a brooding billionaire in to bondage is a bat suit. Red Light
Winchester
The upside to being a rich senior citizen
is the ability to afford the best abusive retirement home.
Fortunately, the dowager in this horror
movie also has the means to stay in her home.
Following her husband’s death in 1906 the Winchester
Rifle Company dispatches Dr. Price (Jason Clarke) to evaluate the mental state
of their new owner, Sarah Winchester (Helen Mirren), who is proposing they
manufacture toys instead of weapons. Inside the Winchester mansion, Price
learns of Sarah’s obsession with building new rooms onto the manor to appease
the spirits of those killed by her family’s firearm.
While the Winchester Mystery House, its
eccentric owner and her occult leanings are all based on fact, what transpires
in this haunted house however is an absolute insult to the more fascinating
biography laying dormant underneath this jump-scare schlock-fest.
Besides, nowadays every company is haunted
by the spectre of bad online reviews.
Red Light
***Sexual Fantasy Island***
Exit to Eden
Eroticism aside, tying up and gaging your
partner is also a good way to just get some me time.
Mind you, there isn’t much privacy at the
BDSM resort in this comedy.
Jewel thief Omar and his partner (Iman)
follow a fetish-loving photographer to an S&M themed island so they can
erase the only image of Omar. But tailing the two crooks are two cops (Rosie
O'Donnell, Dan Aykroyd) who awkwardly fumble their way around the resort in
bondage gear.
Meanwhile, the sought after shutterbug has
become the head dominatrix’s (Dana Delany) brand new submissive.
Released in 1994, director Gary Marshall’s
comedic adaptation of author Anne Rice’s erotic thriller was light-years ahead
of its time in terms of BDSM. However, its existence in obscenity is due
largely in part to its immature humour and sexually repulsive detectives.
Thankfully, when police do make their
arrest there are plenty of handcuffs around.
He’s Hard Corset. He's the...
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