Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Taking a Standroid. He's the…

Vidiot

Week of March 2, 2012

Robot workers can't strike in the rain. First up…

Hugo

Toy collectors will never allow their children to play with their collection, because they know it'll be returned in only near mint condition.

Fortunately, for the kid in this mystery, his hobbyist dad is dead.

After his father’s untimely death, 12-year-old Hugo (Asa Butterfield) goes to live inside of a train station's clock tower with his uncle.

Left to fend for himself after his uncle dies, Hugo spends his days stealing what he needs, winds the clock, and tinkers with his pop’s prized automaton. 

It’s not until Hugo befriends a kiosk owner’s (Ben Kingsley) granddaughter (Chloë Grace Moretz) that he begins to unravel the mystery surrounding the android’s origins. 

A fictitious biography of silent film’s most prolific director Georges Méliès, Hugo is a magical mustering of movie lore and personal pathos.

However, this doesn’t mean you should reconnect with your estranged father through his doll collection, especially the inflatable ones.  0

Puss in Boots

In our reality, a cat wearing boots and a Cavalier hat with an ostrich plume would amount to nothing but an idiotic viral video.

However, in this animated feature, a fancy feline such as that is an illustrious highwayman.

While on a mission to filch magic beans from Jack (Billy Bob Thornton) and Jill (Amy Sedaris), Puss (Antonio Banderas) runs afoul of a rival thief (Salma Hayek) working for his ex-partner Humpty Dumpty (Zach Galifianakis).

After some persuading, Puss agrees to help Humpty appropriate the enchanted legumes, in hopes of growing a beanstalk and getting his paws on some golden eggs.

A spin-off of the Shrek series, Puss in Boots sparkles in a way its parent franchise hasn’t for years, in both the quality of the comedy and animation.

Although, it’d be impossible for a cat to be a successful thief - they’d leave hair all over the crime scene.  0

Johnny English Reborn

The worst part of being reborn is trying to fit back up your mother’s vagina.

Luckily, the usage of the word "reborn" in this comedy applies to a metaphor, and not the act of reentering the womb.

Asked to return to active duty by the new chief of MI7 (Gillian Anderson), exiled secret agent Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson) returns to London to prevent the assassination of the Chinese prime minister.

Partnered with a rookie (Daniel Kaluuya), English bumbles his way through the case and accidentally uncovers a league of killers with connections to MI7.

Unfortunately, English’s susceptibility towards their "drug" causes him to go rogue.

A flaccid sequel to the lifeless original, Johnny English Reborn is nothing but a retread of past pratfalls played out amid a predictable, juvenile plotline.

Incidentally, disregarding retirement age means new recruits will have to wait twice as long to get promoted to double agent.  0

***Uncanny Valley of the Dolls***

Bicentennial Man

Considering that their immeasurable strength can scrub out any underwear skid mark, automatons are ideal servants.

Unfortunately, the hardwired housekeeper in this sci-fi film is more concerned with being human than doing humans' laundry.

A domestic helper automaton, Andrew (Robin Williams), is introduced to the Martin household, where his interactions with the owner’s (Sam Neill) daughters cause him to display cognitive skills and emotions.

Years later, when emancipated from service, he begins the long journey to become human, which includes developing a central nervous system and forming a sexual relationship with a human female. 

All the while, petitioning the World Congress to recognize him as human.

Though Bicentennial Man’s philosophical quandaries concerning robotic rights is indicative of the Isaac Asimov story it’s based on, this interpretation of those proceedings are interminable and schmaltzy.

Besides, the easiest way for a robot to become human is for it to start complaining about its weight.

He Weighs an Automaton. He's the...

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