He’s the Light at the End of the Chunnel. He's the….
Vidiot
Week of March 16, 2012
My television doesn't get the English Channel. First up…
The Three Musketeers
At long last, Hollywood’s crafted a film starring the 3 hottest Mouseketeers: Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears and Annette Funicello.
Oops! Apparently, this action movie is about France’s royal guard - and not pre-teens in mouse ears.
Determined to follow in his father’s footsteps by serving the King of France alongside the Musketeers, D'Artagnan (Logan Lerman) heads to Paris to enlist.
Upon arriving he learns of the guard’s disbandment. Fortunately, fate aligns him with former members, Athos (Matthew Macfadyen), Porthos (Ray Stevenson) and Aramis (Luke Evans).
After proving his parry, D’Artagnan joins the ex-Musketeers as they set out to save the queen from being framed by a treacherous cardinal (Christoph Waltz) and his assistant (Milla Jovovich).
Featuring fast-paced fencing matches, airship dogfights and slow-mo explosions, this bombastic adaptation is as far removed from Alexandre Dumas’ novel as possible.
Besides, we all know that after retirement the Musketeers didn’t sail around in a flying boat, they invented a chocolate bar. 0
The Descendants
Tracing your family tree is only a fun experience up until you reach the branch where all of the murderers are.
Fortunately, for the family man in this drama, his Hawaiian ancestors got extremely rich off of real estate.
A minimal husband and father, Matt (George Clooney), must now cope with family (Amara Miller, Shailene Woodley) and friends after a boating accident leaves his wife in a coma.
Meanwhile, a billion-dollar land claim entrusted to him is set to expire, leaving him to decide on whom he and his relatives should sell to.
What’s more, he learns of his wife’s promiscuity and sets out to confront her lover (Matthew Lillard).
A disarming drama with a comedic tinge, The Descendants’ paradisal backdrop blends seamlessly with its dour content.
Incidentally, a white man owning property on a Hawaiian island is almost as rare as a Hawaiian becoming the President of the United States of America. 0
Young Adult
The thing about writing for young adults is that you can increase your word count by simply inserting “like” after every word.
Unfortunately, for the YA author in this drama, her days as a teen-lit dramatist are, like, totally numbered.
Whilst completing the once-popular book series she ghostwrote, Mavis (Charlize Theron) heads back to her hometown to rekindle a romance with her high-school boyfriend/recent dad, Buddy (Patrick Wilson).
Intent on getting him back, Mavis morphs into one of her adolescent characters, and sets out to ruin Buddy’s marriage.
Acting as her conscience is another former classmate (Patton Oswalt), who was unceremoniously lamed by the football team.
A frightening glimpse at a female middle-life crisis, Young Adult journeys to uncomfortable territory with a dark sense of humour.
Besides, the only way an old high-school flame could ever seduce a married man is if she still has the body of a teenager. 0
My Week with Marilyn
The worst part of having to spend a week with Marilyn Monroe would have had to have been sitting through of all those JFK, RFK BJs.
Fortunately, this biography of the buxom blonde takes place before all that political hanky-panky occurred.
A would-be filmmaker Colin (Eddie Redmayne) sets off for London in hopes of finding employment on Laurence Olivier's (Kenneth Branagh) new film starring Marilyn Monroe (Michelle Williams).
As luck would have it, Colin lands a gopher gig on the set, and over time he develops a relationship with the fragile actress, whose dependency on pills, and inability to deliver lines, frustrates Olivier to no end.
A stark portrayal of the alluring actress as a co-dependant wreck, My Week with Marilyn has riveting acting but not an engaging enough script.
Besides, an easier way to get Marilyn to remember her lines would have been to write them on her barbiturates. 0
The Adventures of Tintin
Belgian journalists must be the most relaxed members of the world media, since nothing noteworthy ever happens in Belgium.
Surprisingly, however, the reporter in this animated-adventure has plenty of article fodder outside of new waffle toppings.
When a model ship he picked up at a bazaar becomes the object of the pirate descendant Red Rackham's (Daniel Craig) pursuit, the young scribe, Tintin (Jamie Bell) and his dog Snowy, set off on a journey to prevent Rackham from obtaining the other ships.
Along the way, Tintin teams with a drunken sea captain, Haddock (Andy Serkis), whose ancestors first battled Rackham’s water-rat relatives over now-sunken treasure.
Based on the comic book series by Hergé, this Steven Spielberg helmed motion-capture version not only captures the characters perfectly, but also the rip roarin’ adventure synonymous with the brand.
Hopefully, it spawns other European comic book film adaptations, like, say, Amsterdam’s Red Light District Defenders. 0
***Super Mien***
Asterix & Obelix Take On Caesar
The toughest job of adapting a comic book into a live-action movie is holding up the word balloons for hours.
Fortunately, the characters in this live-action adaptation have a secret potion that grants the user super-strength.
With Julius Caesar (Gottfried John) under the impression that he now rules all of Gaul, one of his officer’s, Derritus (Roberto Benigni), sets out to conquer a small village in hopes of obtaining an all-powerful elixir created by the local druid.
However, two Gauls, Asterix (Christian Clavier) and Obelix (Gérard Depardieu), under its influence thwart Derritus’ bid for the tonic.
Later, they must team with their Roman enemy to defeat the power hunger Derritus.
Based on the French comic book, this real world rendering of the duo is goofy as it gets, but faithful to the source material.
Incidentally, the easiest way to defeat the Romans is to seduce them with super-powerful little boys.
He's a Carnal Treasure Hunter. He's the...
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