Be Kind, Please Rewind

He wears High/Wasted Pants. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of July 8, 2011

Man, I love sleeping in…doors. First up…

Hobo with a Shotgun

Finally, homeless people have realized that they can get more spare change with a shotgun, than they ever could with a cardboard sign.

Oops! Apparently the motive of the migrant in this action movie isn’t armed panhandling, but administering street justice.

Arriving in Scum Town aboard a boxcar, a grizzled hobo (Rutger Hauer) enters a totalitarian township controlled by the sadistic The Drake (Brian Downey) and his two sons, Slick and Ivan (Gregory Smith, Nick Bateman).     

Successful with keeping a low profile at first, after witnessing too many atrocities at the hand of The Drake, the hobo cock’s a shotgun in revolt.

Based on the fictional trailer that appeared in the 2007 movie Grindhouse, this all-Canadian homage to the exploitative genre is a shopping cart brimming with optimal one-liners, over-the-top acting and buckets of bad taste.  

Nevertheless, the most beneficial accoutrement for any homeless person remains: a mobile debit machine.  0

The Warrior’s Way

Today, everything in America is made in China. But back in the 1800s, everything was made in America…by the Chinese. 

And while the Asian drifter in this action movie didn’t come to America to build the Central Pacific Railroad, he is looking for a new life.

Disobeying an order to annihilate his enemy clan, assassin Yang (Jang Dong-gun) takes the last surviving member–a newborn–with him across the ocean to America.

Putting down roots in a ramshackle burg ruled by ruffians, Yang makes short work of the wild Westerners, which wins over the locals (Geoffrey Rush, Kate Bosworth, Tony Cox).

Later, they help him protect the child from his former clan who have come to kill him.

Though an Eastern swordsmen interacting with Western gunslingers sounds intriguing, the borrowed narrative, bungling actors and computer-generated action makes this regrettable.

Instead, the sword-bearer should’ve established the first-ever saddle sore lancing company.  0

***West Korea***

The Good, The Bad, The Weird

The best thing about being a Korean criminal is that after police get a description, they’ll put out an APB for a Japanese guy.

And while the outlaw in this action movie isn’t Japanese, he does steal a map from someone who is.

Manchuria, 1930 – an assassin aboard a train, The Bad (Lee Byung-hun), attempts to pinch a priceless map from a passenger.

However, a thief, The Weird (Song Kang-ho), procures the parchment before he can.

What follows is a chase through the desert with: The Weird being pursued by The Bad; The Bad being stalked by a bounty hunter, The Good (Jung Woo-sung); and the Japanese army hot on their tails.

With the grit of an Italian western and the kinetic shootouts of Korean action cinema, The Good, The Bad, The Weird is a scrumptious fusion of the two genres.

Much like their food equivalent: Spaghetti and Dog Meatballs.

He's an Epicurator. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Bra Enforcement Officer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 8, 2010

Put those things in a holster. First up…

The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans

It is not surprising that a substandard police lieutenant would be assigned to patrol the streets of post-hurricane New Orleans. What is shocking, however, is that, unlike most things related to the Big Easy relief effort, this bad lieutenant is not financed through the Canadian government.

Subsequent to rescuing a prisoner from the rising floodwaters, New Orleans police Sergeant Terrence McDonagh (Nicolas Cage) is promoted to police lieutenant. Unfortunately, his act of heroism left him a hunched-back painkiller addict, who now uses his clout to gain harder drugs and sexual favours from unsuspecting citizens.

But despite his incongruous behaviour, McDonagh is a first-rate detective who's determined to bring the killer of a family of immigrants to justice, while also trying to maintain a relationship with a prostitute (Eva Mendes).

Directed by Werner Herzog, The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans is a finely acted and fascinating psychotropic trip through the mind of conundrum whose chemical compulsions make him a hero and a villain at the same time.

And while media outlets like to drone on about the failure of the city’s dykes, I can assure you that New Orleans’ lesbian community is doing the best job they can.  0

The Collector

People like to collect anything and everything, from butterflies and comic books to financial debt and phone calls where the receiving party pays for the charges.

However, the only things that the fervent enthusiast in this horror movie likes to amass are human bodies.

Desperate to pay-off a loan shark who’s threatening his ex-wife and child, recently paroled ex-con Arkin (Josh Stewart) decides to break into the home of a well-to-do family, where he works as a handyman, and steal a priceless jewel.

Under the assumption that the family is out-of-town, Arkin forces his way into the residence only to discover that someone else is already there, someone who has outfitted the habitat with elaborate traps. Now, it’s up to Arkin to save the remaining family members and escape the booby-trapped abode before the cloaked collector (Juan Fernandez) can add them to his creepy catalogue.

Though it has all the makings of a horror franchise, including a malicious main character with a stockpile of subterfuges, The Collector, unfortunately, is too late to the already beleaguered torture-horror genre.

As for how to avoid becoming an item of interest to a fanatical collector of individuals, simply remove yourself from your original packaging.  0

***House Broke In***

The People Under the Stairs

To make the most out of your B & E experience, twist your ankle on the way out and sue the homeowner for damages.

Unfortunately, the budding bugler in this movie is unable to obtain a settlement for pain and suffering incurred outside this particular home, because he cannot escape it.

With his family facing eviction, 13-year-old Fool (Brandon Quintin Adams) breaks into his landlords’ home to steal a prized coin collection. Once inside, however, he discovers more residents than first believed, including a maltreated daughter and multitudes of mutants living inside the walls. Unable to escape, Fool must team-up with the creatures in order to best the couple keeping them all confined there.

An innovative and entertaining adventure, The People Under the Stairs sets horror movie conventions on their ears.

As for the best way to escape a house: crawl inside a garbage bag and sit by the backdoor.

He's Trespassed Out. He's the...

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