Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Doesn't Make Any Frankincense. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 9, 2011

Someone got up on the wrong side of the manger. First up…

Hangover Part II

The best way to avoid the inevitable hangover that follows a night of drinking is to never stop drinking.

Unfortunately, the friends in this comedy lack the resilience to live a lush life.

While attending Stu’s (Ed Helms) wedding in Thailand, Phil (Bradley Cooper) and Alan (Zach Galifianakis) coerce their apprehensive amigo into joining them and the bride’s brother (Mason Lee) for a nightcap on the beach.

The next morning, however, all three awake in a Bangkok hotel room with no idea of how they got there, or where Stu’s soon-to-be brother-in-law is.

The threesome must now empty their pockets, retrace their steps, and relive every humiliating moment from the previous night.

An unfunny facsimile of the original, The Hangover Part II relies too heavily on Thailand’s seedy side for laughs, leaving its leads to languish.

Incidentally, the definition of Ladies’ Night at mostly every Bangkok nightclub is extremely loose.  0

Cowboys & Aliens

The real reason extraterrestrials visited the Old West was because outhouses were the ideal probing stations.

And while they aren’t knee-deep in pioneer poop, the aliens in this sci-fi film are abducting cowpoke at an alarming rate.

Waking in a desert with no recollection of who he is, or what the device fettered to his wrist is, Jake (Daniel Craig) heads to the nearest town for answers.

There, he runs afoul of Dolarhyde (Harrison Ford), a wealthy cattleman he fleeced earlier.

Before they can duel, however, aliens attack and snatch up citizens, including Dolarhyde’s son (Paul Dano).

Now, a posse consisting of Dolarhyde, Jake, Doc (Sam Rockwell) and a drifter (Olivia Wilde) must embark on a rescue mission.

While the genre amalgamation is bewildering at first, the end product is succinct and surprisingly entertaining.

However, instead of annihilating them, early-Americans should’ve teamed with the aliens to steal Texas from Mexico.  0

Mr. Popper’s Penguins

When adopting penguins it’s important to remember that, no matter where you are, you’re always in danger of a Killer Whale attack.

Fortunately, the surrogate dad to 6 penguins in this family film lives in a penthouse, so the Orcas must first get past the doorman.

After receiving a sextet of seafaring fowl from his explorer father in the mail, workaholic realtor Mr. Popper (Jim Carrey) must put aside his personal ambitions to care for the cold-loving critters.

With help from his two kids and ex-wife (Carla Gugino), Popper converts his apartment into an arctic playground.

But when a determined zookeeper gets wind of Popper’s penguins, he plots to put them into captivity at the zoo.

Based on the children’s book, Mr. Popper’s Penguins is an innocuous, uncomplicated comedy that never strays beyond conventionality. 

Nevertheless, sharing an apartment with penguins means the end of all the fish in your aquarium.  0

The Help

Growing up with a housekeeper means one of two things: either your family was rich, or you had a stay-at-home mom.

And while the women in this drama are homebodies, they insist on domestic help.

When an aspiring journalist (Emma Stone) decides to write a book about the Southern tradition of employing African American women to raise the children of white families, she draws the ire of both races.

It’s not until “the help” (Viola Davis, Octavia Spencer) learn of their anonymity that they air the dirty laundry of all the haughty white women (Bryce Dallas Howard, Jessica Chastain, Anna Camp) in town. 

By making Caucasians the cause of and solution to the domestic slavery issue, this fictional account attempts to alleviate white guilt through sentimentality and gross-out gags.

Besides, who wants to read a book about their help, when they can just watch their every move on the nanny cam?  0

***Santa Claus is Comin' to Mars***

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

The problem with Santa vs. the Martians is that, if they win, one kid will end up getting a single-parent household for Christmas.

Fortunately, it’s not someone’s father being abducted in this sci-fi film, but Father Christmas himself.

When it’s decided that the children of Mars (Chris Month, Pia Zadora) need to gain their own individuality, two Martian parents take it upon themselves to kidnap Santa Claus, a jovial toy-maker from Earth that their offspring watch via electromagnetic waves.

But when a Martian extremist learns of the parents plot, he fears for the future of his green-skinned race, and sets out to kill Claus.

With its subversive storyline, substandard special effects and asinine acting, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians excels at being horrendous.

Besides, it’s hard to know which one to root for: the aliens, or the immortal, fat, elf that always wants to manhandle your children at the mall.

He's a Snowglobe Trotter. He's the...

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