Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Chops Down Artificial Trees. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 16, 2011

We don’t carve up plastic pumpkins. First up…

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

If Earth is going to be an ape planet someday, at least we can look forward to the eradication of head lice.

And while public grooming is still far-off, this sci-fi film does lay the groundwork for its mass acceptance.

Born of a lab chimp filled with an experimental brain enhancement drug, Caesar (Andy Serkis) is naturally gifted.

But when the hyper-intelligent orphan is scheduled for termination, the scientist (James Franco) who created the drug absconds with Caesar and rears him himself.

Eventually, Caesar attacks a neighbour and is sent to an ape refuge, where his torment at the hands of a guard drives him to lead a primate revolt through San Francisco.

A re-imagining of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, Rise elevates the series to a new level via smart storytelling, sophisticated special effects and a seditious spirit.

Besides, rampaging apes smell much better than Occupy protesters.  0

Fright Night    

Having a vampire for a neighbour means that they’re always dropping by to borrow a cup of AB+.

Unfortunately, the only blood that the teenager in this horror movie has to lend is inside of his veins.

By the time Jerry (Colin Farrell) moves into Charley’s (Anton Yelchin) suburb, Nevada locals have already began disappearing.

It’s not until his friends go missing that Charley suspects Jerry may be a vampire. His suspicions are later confirmed when Jerry turns his girlfriend (Imogen Poots).

Declaring war on the bloodsucker, Charley seeks the assistance of a Las Vegas magician (David Tennant) who dabbles in vampirism.

Though a more carnal account than its 1985 inspiration, this re-make does adhere to its muse’s mixture of comedy and carnage.

But if you think that fighting with your neighbour over their eating habits is difficult, wait until you have to confront them about their unkempt tree branches.  0

Kung Fu Panda 2

Being on the endangered species list is a good indicator of how successful your species is at martial arts.

That is why the giant panda in this animated movie must be some sort of anomaly.

When Lord Shen (Gary Oldman), a malevolent peacock, learns from a mystic (Michelle Yeoh) that a panda will overthrow him, he orders the race's annihilation.

Years later, Shen’s shocked to discover a panda, Po (Jack Black), survived the genocide to become a Kung Fu Dragon Master.

Welding a cannon, Shen sets out to conquer China and destroy Po and his Furious Five (Seth Rogen, Angelina Jolie, Jackie Chan, David Cross, Lucy Liu).

An ominous origin tale, Kung Fu Panda 2 delivers equivalent slapstick action to the first, but with a new level of story complexity.

Incidentally, why waste your time decimating the panda population, when their lack of sex-drive will do the job for you?  0

***Silent, Dark Knight*** 

Batman Returns

The worst part about spending Christmas in Gotham is the asteroid-sized lump of coal that Santa drops on the crime-ridden city every year.

However, the villains in this action movie are deadlier than any carbonized plant could ever be.

A malformed child – cast out by his parents and reared by waterfowl – returns to Gotham during the holidays as a misunderstood misanthrope nicknamed The Penguin (Danny DeVito).

Simultaneously, the secretary (Michelle Pfeiffer) of a corrupt businessman (Christopher Walken) survives her boss’ murder attempt, and later adopts the guise of Catwoman. 

Meanwhile, Batman (Michael Keaton) ponders the Penguin’s pretext, while pursuing Catwoman with and without his cowl.

The edgy sequel to Tim Burton’s Batman, Batman Returns’ over-the-top Penguin performance is balanced out by Pfeiffer’s quintessential portrayal of the femme feline.

As for what to give a vigilante millionaire for Christmas: How about an acrobat-orphan boy that he can dress in tight short-shorts?

He’s Coming Un-Iglooed. He’s the…

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