He’s Christmas Gifted. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of December 23, 2011
Too bad Secret Santa doesn't exist. First up…
Columbiana
The reason Columbians make such excellent assassins is that they’re always alert, due to their body’s natural production of caffeine and cocaine.
Case in point, the femme fatale in this action movie.
When her father attempts to retire from a Columbian drug cartel, he's marked for death.
Fortunately, he has information on the drug czar, which he has entrusted to his daughter, Cataleya (Zoë Saldana), along with the address of her uncle (Cliff Curtis) in Chicago.
Under his coaching, Cataleya trains to become a killer, so that she may avenge her father.
Years later, her elaborate assassinations attract the attention of the kingpin, who has relocated Stateside, and an FBI agent (Lennie James) determined to apprehend her.
Asinine off the bat, Columbiana pushes its paint-by-numbers tale of revenge to ridiculous lengths, with little reward.
Furthermore, Columbia’s eponym, Christopher Columbus, would be insulted that his name is associated with such bloodshed. 0
Dolphin Tale
The only time dolphin tails make the news is when one ends up in a tuna sandwich.
Fortunately, the detached appendage in this family movie steered clear of the deli counter.
When a shy, young boy (Nathan Gamble) discovers an injured dolphin in a crab trap, he uses his genial nature to calm the beast and free it from its confines.
The marred mammal is later taken to a refuge, where a doctor (Harry Connick Jr.) removes the damaged extremity.
To get the despondent dolphin to eat after the surgery, the doctor coaxes the coy kid from the beach to help.
Later, the same boy convinces the doctor to allow a prosthetics expert (Morgan Freeman) to construct an artificial tail.
Utilizing science and compassion to overcome loss, this true story tugs the heartstrings while sating medical curiosity.
Now, if only every amputee could be outfitted with a synthetic dolphin tale. 0
Straw Dogs
When moving to the Southern United States it’s important to bring along a regional guidebook, i.e. The Bible.
And while the relocating couple in this thriller didn’t pack one, the locals are happy to teach them their backwater ways.
When David (James Marsden), a scriptwriter from California, moves to Mississippi to restore his wife’s (Kate Bosworth) ancestral home and finish his script, he butts heads with her high school boyfriend (Alexander Skarsgård) and his cronies, whom he has hired to repair the barn roof.
As the problem escalates between David and his contractor, so too do issues between him and his wife, culminating in a home invasion and multiple murders.
A worthy re-make of the 1971 original, Straw Dogs is slow to simmer, but when it boils the tension is palpable.
Besides, the only thing that you should be hiring your wife’s ex-lover to fix is your leaky septic tank. 0
Midnight in Paris
Until now, the most mysterious aspect of midnight in Paris was that it was 3 pm in Los Angeles.
Nevertheless, this comedy offers an alternative abnormality associated with the witching hour.
When Gil (Owen Wilson), a scriptwriter from LA, vacations in Pairs with his fiancée (Rachel McAdams) and her parents, his longing for a bygone era is sated when he’s transported to the 1920s, where his idols F. Scott Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemingway edify him on the craft of writing, while Picasso’s muse (Marion Cotillard) beguiles him with beauty.
Meanwhile, his soon-to-be in-laws hire a private detective to follow Gil on his nightly constitutionals.
Conceived by Woody Allan, Midnight in Paris is an amusing and unconventional love letter to The City of Light told by means of a neurotic time-traveler.
But as a writer, shouldn’t you be traveling forward in time to plagiarize successful work that hasn’t been published yet? 0
***Don’t Ask, Don’t Noel***
A Midnight Clear
The problem with war during Christmas is both sides put the annihilation of the other on their wish list.
And since Santa doesn’t play favorites, instead he grants the war-weary warriors in this drama amnesty.
During the winter of 1944, a squad of US troops (Gary Sinise, Ethan Hawke, Peter Berg, Kevin Dillon, Arye Gross, Frank Whaley) stationed in France is ordered to secure a chateau in the forest.
But even with the post under their protection, the soldiers notice Jerry’s presence in the woods.
After a number of unsuccessful confrontations, both sides call a ceasefire in honour of Christmas Day.
An intense wartime movie and an intimate drama at the same time, A Midnight Clear shows a rare glimpse at compassion during combat, and the pleasures of peace, however brief.
Unfortunately, the fighting started again when they couldn't decide which language to sing O Tannenbaum (O Christmas Tree) in.
He's a Yuletide Logger. He's the...
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