Be Kind, Please Rewind

His House is Taunted. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 11, 2013

Curb your appeals. First up…

The House at the End of the Street

Nowadays, the best thing about living in the house at the end of the street is that you’re the last one to be foreclosed on.

However, no bank would ever want to acquire the house in this horror movie.

After her divorce, Sarah (Elisabeth Shue) moves with her daughter Elissa (Jennifer Lawrence) to a new home.

Unfortunately for them the neighbouring home is where a mentally disabled girl, Carrie Anne (Eva Link), brutally murdered her parents.

Overtime Elissa befriends the home's only resident, Carrie Anne’s brother Ryan (Max Thieriot), who has secretly been keeping his sister safe in a hidden room since the killings occurred.

With its generic title, The House at the End of the Street is further condemned by its insulting depiction of mental illness, and its dearth of worthwhile scares.

Incidentally, crazy people in hidden rooms is exactly why buyers need to hire home inspectors before they purchase.  0   

Frankenweenie

The worst part about owning a living-dead dog is when its urine melts through fire hydrants.

While the reanimated pup in this animated movie isn’t flooding its neighbourhood, it is frightening it.

After his dog Sparky is run over in the street retrieving a baseball that he struck, Victor Frankenstein (Charlie Tahan) vows to resurrect his best friend.

While successful, Sparky’s return rouses the scientific interest of Victor’s classmates (Martin Short, Catherine O'Hara, Atticus Shaffer, James Hiroyuki Liao) who formulate their own elixirs in hopes of resuscitating deceased pets for the upcoming science fair.

But their calculations are incorrect, and the kids instead turn their dead darlings into rampaging monsters.

Tim Burton’s stop-motion adaptation of his live-action short-film, Frankenweenie expands on the Shelly-inspired kids story with a clever script and fun nods to horror history.

However, the best part of owning a zombie dog is its rotting carcass neuters itself.  0

Dredd

Being a cop in the future means you can turn your flying squad car’s siren on and bypass the red lights on the sky highway.

Unfortunately, the roadways depicted in this sci-fi movie are still earthbound.

Partnered with Judge Anderson (Olivia Thirlby), a clairvoyant rookie, futuristic law enforcement officer Judge Dredd (Karl Urban) is not impressed.

But his negative opinion is tested when he and Anderson are trapped in a 200-storey drug den ruled by Ma-Ma (Lena Headey).

Pursued by the slum’s drug-addled occupants, the judges must defend themselves with heavy firepower and ESP.

But is it enough to halt the production of a new narcotic within the tenement?

With an extreme body count, a clear-cut narrative and an adherence to source material, this adaptation of the British comic book is the best yet.

However, since Bobbies don’t carry guns, shouldn’t their futuristic counterparts only be armed with high-powered whistles?  0

Hit and Run

The key to a successful hit and run is to not run from the car you just hit, but to drive away.

Anonymity after any accident in this rom-com, however, is completely impossible.

When his girlfriend Annie (Kristen Bell) lands a teaching job in L.A., Yul (Dax Shepard) abandons the safe house he resides in under witness protection and drives her in a hobby-car he built with his dad (Beau Bridges).

While the marshal (Tom Arnold) assigned to protect him gives chase, so too, does his former partner (Bradley Cooper) who wants payback for testifying against him.

What’s worse, Annie is beginning to doubt Yul has the ability to be truthful.

An inane car-chase movie, with two dopey leads and pretension dialogue, Hit and Run tries desperately to be an eccentric crime-noir tale but comes off dated and amateurish.

Besides, the best form of witness protection is still a burqa.  0

***Part Man, Part Machine, All Pig***

Robocop

The key to creating an ideal cyber-cop is ensuring that when salvaging tissue from the donor not to transfer over the donut-craving gene.

Fortunately, the scientists in this sci-fi movie only relocated the deceased’s face and memories.

After being killed by a crime syndicate kingpin (Kurtwood Smith), the bullet-riddled body of Officer Murphy (Peter Weller) becomes the basis of Omni Consumer Products - the police force’s parent company - first foray into mechanized police.

Tasked with cleaning up the gang-controlled streets while his human counterparts go on strike, Robocop is diligent.

But when his old partner recognizes him, the floodgates holding back his memories of being Murphy are opened.

A gory parody concerning the privatization of the public sector, Robocop is a smart Frankenstein-esque story that stimulates the brains low and highbrow hemispheres.

While they are still cops, thankfully, the robotic ones only sexually harass the police precinct’s vending machines.

He’s In-Crowd Control. He’s the…

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