Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Ruthless Kingmaker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of March 27, 2015

Servants receive royalty checks. First up…

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

With its eclectic array of species, Middle-earth must have way more washroom options than just men, women and handicapped.

However, this fantasy film doesn’t deal much with loo classifications.

After Bard the Bowman (Luke Evans) dispenses with the gold-hoarding dragon guarding Lonely Mountain, Thorin (Richard Armitage) and his followers reclaim the former dwarf stronghold.

Unwilling to share his riches, Thorin holes up in his keep as armies of Orcs, Elves (Orlando Bloom, Evangeline Lilly) and dwarves amass outside.

Now it’s up to the Hobbit (Martin Freeman) to convince the crazed king to fight for Middle-earth.

The final installment of The Hobbit trilogy, this third entry feels unnecessarily drawn-out and over digitized.

The final battle, although epic, is redundant in comparison to Lord of the Rings, which this prequel has referenced ad nauseam since the outset.

Incidentally, with the ingot-obsessed dragon gone the Middle-earth Olympic committee can award gold medals again.  Yellow Light

Interstellar

The hardest part of finding a habitable planet is finding one that hasn’t already been ravaged by humans.

Fortunately, the astronauts in this sci-fi film are hominids so they know where not to look.

NASA approaches former employee Cooper (Matthew McConaughey) to pilot a spacecraft carrying scientists (Anne Hathaway, Wes Bentley) and robots that will enter a wormhole to recover lost data that could lead to a new home world.

On the expiring Earth, Coop’s grown children (Jessica Chastain, Casey Affleck) struggle with the realization their father isn’t returning for them.

From the remarkable mind of co-writer/director Christopher Nolan, Interstellar is a stunning space epic that perfectly balances heart-pounding action and cerebral stimulation.

A love story as much as a survival story, Interstellar travels light-years to find humanity.

However, telling your kids you’re going out for cigarettes is a less complicated way of ditching them than some lame wormhole excuse.  Green Light

Into the Woods

Singing in the woods is an excellent way to ward off bears and horny wild men.

Mind you, the melodies in this musical are there to convey emotions.

The Witch (Meryl Streep) that cursed his family promises to reverse it if the Baker (James Corden) and his wife (Emily Blunt) bring her a cow, a cape, some hair and a slipper.

So they head into the woods where they meet Jack (Daniel Huttlestone), Red Riding Hood (Lilla Crawford), Cinderella (Anna Kendrick) and Rapunzel (MacKenzie Mauzy), all of who possess an item.

But each mark is experiencing a personal crisis and the duo are entangled in each ordeal.

With its capable cast, familiar fairy tale themes and subversive lyrics, this Disney adaptation of the stage show will please musical fanatics but likely bore those who prefer dialogue.

Unfortunately, unlike the Broadway musical, movie audiences cannot get on stage and sing along.  Yellow Light

***Black Hole-in-the-Wall Gang***

The Black Hole

The reason no human has travelled through a black hole is for fear the parallel universe on the other side doesn’t have free Wi-Fi.

This may explain why the spacecraft in this sci-fi film remains on the rim of a black hole.

Returning to Earth after an exploration mission, the crew (Anthony Perkins, Robert Forster, Ernest Borgnine, Joseph Bottoms, Yvette Mimieux) of the USS Palomino encounters the disable USS Cygnus circling a black hole.

Boarding the vessel, the crew and their robot (Roddy McDowall) are greeted by Dr. Reinhardt (Maximilian Schell) and his sentry Maximilian.

The mystery over Cygnus’ missing crew, however, becomes obvious when Reinhardt reveals his plans to enter the space anomaly.

Disney’s unsuccessful foray into the bourgeoning space opera genre of the late-seventies, The Black Hole is vastly underrated and unjustly maligned despite its groundbreaking concepts.

Nonetheless, black holes remain the best place to hide incriminating evidence.

He’s an Imitation Crab Nebula. He’s the…

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