He's a Meth-head Actor. He's the...
Vidiot
Week of November 25, 2011
I literally chew the scenery. First up...
Super 8
Although technology's made it easier for young filmmakers to bring their vision to life, without product placement they’ll never have a hit.
Case in point: the movie being filmed by the teenagers in this sci-fi film.
After his mother’s death, Joe (Joel Courtney) finds solace assisting his friend (Riley Griffiths) with his 8mm movie.
However, while shooting exterior scenes at night, the crew captures images of a train derailment and a creature fleeing from the wreckage.
Now, with strange occurrences transpiring around town, it’s up to the deputy (Kyle Chandler) to locate the monster before the military lays waste to his jurisdiction.
With a superlative cast of up-and-coming actors, Super 8 starts as a thrilling mystery, but, by the end, is nothing more than a trite extraterrestrial tale.
Besides, if the kids really wanted to make a viral video, then they should’ve got footage of the alien ghost-riding his UFO. 0
Conan the Barbarian
The best part of wielding a broadsword is that, no matter what the size of the envelope, you’ll have no problem opening it.
And while the savage in this fantasy film doesn’t use his blade to open letters, he does use it to open his enemies.
Born in battle, Conan (Jason Momoa) is raised by his father (Ron Perlman) to be a warrior.
But when a warlord (Stephen Lang) looking to resurrect his dead wife using a magical mask slays his father, Conan vows revenge.
Meanwhile, the despot and his daughter (Rose McGowan) seek out a pure blood to unleash the mask’s power.
With a splintered storyline that strains under the weight of dreadful acting, Conan the Barbarian is a slapdash adaptation of Robert E. Howard’s anti-hero.
Unfortunately, when body-builders see the type of muscle mass that can be gained from barbarism, they’ll likely add rape to their workout routine. 0
The Devil's Double
Political figures that are looking for an impersonator, should use an SNL cast member - not only are they spot-on, but no one will mind if they’re assassinated.
Unfortunately, for the dead-ringer in this drama, the dictator he resembles is looking locally for his double.
When an Iraqi citizen, Latif (Dominic Cooper), with a striking similitude to Uday (Dominic Cooper), the eldest son of Saddam Hussein (Philip Quast), is asked to service as Uday’s political decoy, he refuses.
Latif quickly learns, however, that you don’t say no to the sadistic son of a dictator.
Forced to emulate and pal around with the unhinged heir, Latif’s restraint is pushed to its limits as he watches Uday murder and rape whomever he pleases.
With two superb performances from Dominic Cooper, The Devil’s Double is an explicit, stylistic, overblown masterpiece.
Thankfully, for American politicians, their country is full of crazy, old, white look-a-likes. 0
Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D
When you’ve got two active adolescent agents in your home, you’ve got to ensure you have plenty of Flintstones Cyanide Pills on hand.
Fortunately, the step mom in this family adventure is an ex-intelligencer.
Trading in her cloak and dagger for diapers, femme fatale turned housewife Marissa (Jessica Alba) is called back into action after the villainous Timekeeper (Jeremy Piven) begins to steal time.
But when the Timekeeper targets her stepchildren (Rowan Blanchard, Mason Cook), Marissa must divulge her past, which ultimately leads to their tutelage under a former Spy Kid (Alexa Vega).
Now, the new recruits and their robot dog (Ricky Gervais) must stop the Timekeeper before it's too late.
The fourth installment of the Spy Kids franchise, All the Time in the World is a fart infused, infantile, chroma keyed atrocity.
Besides, as an undercover child agent, wouldn’t most of your assignments involve you luring in online predators? 0
***Bra-barian***
Red Sonja
Contrary to popular belief, women do utilize sharp blades for more things than just slicing off penises and stabbing their besties in the back.
For example, the buxom broadsword-wielding babe in this fantasy film.
When a malevolent queen (Sandahl Bergman) murders her family, young Sonja (Brigitte Nielsen) vows revenge.
After years of training with cold-hard steel, she finally gets her chance at retribution when she learns of how the queen who killed her clan has just purloined a powerful orb.
Unfortunately, in order to defeat the queen’s forces, she must put aside her hatred towards men, and enlist one (Arnold Schwarzenegger).
Based on the red-haired warrior woman conceived by Robert E. Howard, Red Sonja is a silly sword and sorcery script with over-the-top performances from both muscle-bound leads.
As for her best battle manoeuvre: when it's Sonja’s time of the month, she tricks her enemies into thinking she’s injured.
He's a Salad Barbarian. He's the...
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