Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's Marine Corpse. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 10, 2013

Disabled veterans only enlist for the free license plate. First up…

Jack Reacher

Typically, you can find military police officers in the mess hall eating Donut MREs.

However, the ex-MP in this action movie is too preoccupied with solving a shooting spree.

When a former army sniper is accused of killing five random strangers in Pittsburg, he requests Military Police Major come vagabond Jack Reacher (Tom Cruise) to help him avoid the death penalty.

Partnering with the defense attorney (Rosamund Pike), Reacher conducts his own investigation and uncovers a corrupt construction company fronted by a Russian ex-con (Werner Herzog) and his henchman (Jai Courtney).

With an ex-Gunnery Sergeant (Robert Duvall) at his side, Reacher wages his own Cold War on the comrades.

Based on a novel from the popular series, Jack Reacher is an exceptional introduction: the mystery is judicious, the action is forceful and Cruise exudes bravado.

Incidentally, as an army cop, Jack Reacher can also issue tickets to illegally parked tanks.  0

Mama

The hardest part of adopting feral children is getting them to stop sniffing strangers’ crotches.

Fortunately, the wild children in this horror have a mysterious entity to keep them in line.

Five years after being abandoned by their suicidal father, Victoria (Megan Charpentier) and Lilly (Isabelle Nélisse) are rescued from an isolated cabin and placed in the custody of their Uncle (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau).

But when he is suddenly hospitalized, guardianship falls on his punk rock bassist girlfriend Annabel (Jessica Chastain).

Home alone with the undomesticated darlings, Annabel is introduced to a being the sisters call Mama - a possessive poltergeist that is growing increasingly jealous of Annabel’s newfound fondness for the girls.

A maternal ghost story, Mama’s sinister aesthetic is accentuated by genuine scares provided by the rehabilitated wildlings and their forlorn phantom.

Furthermore, with their growling, spitting and rudimentary English, Annabel’s feral children could sing in her punk band.  0 

Safe Haven

The best thing about running from your past is that you can start all over again in a different town, under a different name, as a different race.

Unfortunately, the fleeing female in this romantic-thriller chose to remain Caucasian.

Dying her hair blonde, calling herself Katie and moving to rural North Carolina, Erin (Julianne Hough) tries to settle into the town as inconspicuously as she can.

But her presence doesn’t go unnoticed by the local grocer/widowed father of two, Alex (Josh Duhamel).

Despite her rejections, Alex and his offspring eventually lure Katie out of her emotional isolation.

Meanwhile, Katie’s drunk and abusive husband arrives in town looking for her.

Darker than previous Nicholas Sparks adaptations, Safe Haven’s domestic abuse subplot provides unintentional laughs to a completely ludicrous love story.

Besides, quaint coastal communities with hunky widowers are the first places sadistic husbands look for their runaway wives.  0

***Rebirth Defect***

Midnight Bayou

The most annoying aspect to reincarnation is switching over all of your identification.

Unfortunately, the returning soul in this made-for-TV-movie has to change more than just his name.

Despite his Northern education, Boston lawyer Declan (Jerry O'Connell) is drawn to New Orleans and purchases a plantation to renovate.

Around town he meets a local, Lena (Lauren Stamile), who he is inexplicably attracted to.

As the renovations continue, the mansion’s history unravels its self to Declan via vivid flashbacks of a former female resident’s murder.

Desperate for answers, he seeks the wisdom of Lena’s grandmother (Faye Dunaway), a voodoo priestess with past life experience.

However, the spiritual truth that Declan seeks will change his life forever.

A more mystical love story than what Nora Roberts is known for, this adaptation of her novel muddles in mediocre acting but surprises in the shock-ending department.

Incidentally, when you’re reincarnated in Louisiana, 9 times out of 10 you come back as a crawfish.

He's Old Orleans. He's the ...

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