Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Works on the Sock Exchange. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of March 28, 2014

Buy pairs, no holes. First up…

The Wolf of Wall Street

With bears, bulls and now wolves, it seems like Wall Street is advising us to invest in nuisance animal hunting permits.

However, a different kind of wildlife is featured in this dramedy.

In the wake of Black Monday, Jordan Belfort (Leonardo DiCaprio) applies his stockbroker skills to hawking penny stocks for huge commissions.

Always scheming, he forms a firm with his protégé (Jonah Hill) and makes a women’s shoe stock seem favorable to drive up the price before dumping their shares.

In their downtime, Jordan and his employees spend their ill-gotten gains buying Quaaludes and hookers.

Meanwhile, an FBI agent (Kyle Chandler) builds a case against the firm.

Despite glorifying Belfort’s crime, director Martin Scorsese’s brings the biography to life with stylized shots, expansive soundtrack and rapid-fire editing.

It’s also DiCaprio’s most convincing performance yet.

Incidentally, all exits in Wall Street offices are located on the ledge of the building.  Green Light

Delivery Man

If sperm banks want to compete in this market, they’ll need to open up late-night ATMs for deposits.

Fortunately, this dramedy isn’t about public jerk-off booths.

Years after donating to a sperm bank, David (Vince Vaughn), a seriously indebted meat truck driver, discovers his donations have sired 533 children.

Now, some of those kids are petitioning the courts, and the clinic, to learn the real name of the donor.

Meanwhile, David visits his children as a helpful stranger, assisting them when he can.

But needing funds for an unpaid debt, and for his pregnant girlfriend (Cobie Smulders), David sues the clinic.

Hollywood’s remake of the French-Canadian film Starbuck, Delivery Man is helmed by the writer/director of the francophone version.

However, that familiarity with the source material doesn’t save this sappy update from the annoyance of Vaughn’s incessant nattering.

Furthermore, when they are 533 of you, incest laws shouldn’t be applicable.  Red Light

***Johnny Apple Seedy***

Donor Unknown

If you’re father was a sperm donor, you’ll be reminded of him every time you masturbate.

Instead of playing with themselves, however, the offspring in this documentary are trying to locate their donor dad.

In the 1980s, Jeffrey Harrison spent a good deal of time making deposits at a cryobank under the name: Donor 150.

Twenty years later, JoEllen Marsh, one of the many children conceived from Jeffrey’s genes, connects with a half-sister over the Internet.

The peculiarity of the reunion attracts the New York Times and eventually more siblings and the donor’s identity are uncovered.

But are his progenies ready to visit the beach where their dad lives in an RV?

A fascinating true story about the past catching up with you, Donor Unknown’s paternal pathos blends well with the genetic similarities prevalent throughout Jeff’s brood.

Either way, the biggest opponent of donating to sperm banks is still Kleenex.

He’s a Sperm Bank Robber. He’s the…

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