He’s a Demo-God. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of May 2, 2014
Can your kitchen knives cut through Gorgon? First up…
The Legend of Hercules
Being a demigod isn’t so bad until you do something wrong and your almighty father hits you with his belt.
Speaking of child abuse, the son of the deity in this action movie does a decent job of avoiding his dad’s wrath.
The same day Alcides (Kellan Lutz) learns that his real name is Hercules - and that he’s the son of Zeus - he is shipped off to serve in his human father’s army.
Worse yet, King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins) has arranged the marriage of Hercules’ brother (Liam Garrigan) to Hercules’ girlfriend (Gaia Weiss).
Resolute in ruining the nuptials, and his father’s rule, Hercules returns to the realm - after his stint in the Gladiatorial games - armed with enchanted weapons.
Imbued with laughable dialogue, cut-rate special effects, and hammy performances, this sword-and-sandal saga is woefully unpleasant.
Furthermore, demigods should be banned from all father and son competitions. Red Light
Labor Day
If hosting an escaped convict at your home this Labor Day, you may want to enact the No White rule prematurely.
Thankfully, the blood splatter in this romantic drama is kept to a minimum.
Henry (Gattlin Griffith) and his mother (Kate Winslet) are taken hostage by a fleeing felon, Frank (Josh Brolin).
Held up at their house, Frank’s genial nature gets the best of him and soon he takes on a fatherly role - not only around the house but also in the boudoir.
Eventually, he proposes a move to Canada to start a new life. But a suspicious sheriff (James Van Der Beek) could spell the end of the affair.
Based on the best seller, this slow-burning adaptation sizzles with a subtle sensuality and palpable performances, but eventually falls prey to its own love struck tendencies.
Incidentally, you’ll always know your imprisoned boyfriend isn’t having sex with another woman. Yellow Light
Devil's Due
The worst thing about birthing the devil is that his umbilical cord is, like, impossible to cut.
Luckily, the newlyweds in this horror movie can afford a chainsaw.
While in the Dominican on their honeymoon, Samantha (Allison Miller) and Zach (Zach Gilford) are subjected to a demonic ritual that leaves Sam pregnant.
Back in the States, she begins to demonstrate odd behaviour, i.e. consuming raw meat and causing ailments in her doctors and priests.
Meanwhile, Zach investigates a reoccurring symbol on his camcorder that turns out to imply the antichrist.
The pictogram also has something to do with the strangers who have been watching their home.
Yet another found-footage movie about demonic possession, Devil’s Due brings nothing new to the fatigued genre.
Neither clever nor scary in its delivery, this film is a stillbirth.
Besides, Sam isn’t the first woman to return from her honeymoon impregnated with another man’s baby. Red Light
***The Three Labours of Hercules***
The Three Stooges Meet Hercules
When time traveling back to ancient Greece, remember to bring back plenty of autographs.
The morons in this comedy, however, rewrote history instead.
Moe (Moe Howard) Larry (Larry Fine) and Curly Joe (Joe DeRita) become chummy with their neighbour, Schuyler (Quinn Redeker), who just built a time machine.
Schuyler, the Stooges and Schuyler’s girlfriend Diane (Vicki Trickett) take the machine back to ancient Ithaca.
Accidentally altering history along the way, Schuyler and the Stooges are exiled to the galleys by the new King Odius (George N. Neise), who wishes to take Diane for his wife.
But the boys and their benefactor plot to depose of the wrongful ruler with help from Hercules (Samson Burke).
The Stooges’ third feature film, this Herculean outing may lack the original lineup but it’s not short on their asinine antics.
Furthermore, if the Three Stooges rewrote history, universal heath care would have to be mandatory.
He’s Time Travel Size. He’s the…
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