Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Relationship-wreck. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 16, 2014

Wine ‘em, Dine ‘em, Stiff‘em with the bill. First up…

That Awkward Moment

A woman can always tell she’s in a committed relationship when the guy starts farting in front of her.

That is why the buddies in this comedy are clenched tight.

When Mikey’s (Michael B. Jordan) wife leaves him, his pals Jason (Zac Efron) and Daniel (Miles Teller) take him to a bar.

Despite an accord to stay single, that night Jason meets Ellie (Imogen Poots) and Daniel meets Chelsea (Mackenzie Davis) and each start secretly dating.

On the sly, Mikey works on his troubled marriage. 

As bonds begin to form, the boys must face their greatest fear: commitment.

But will their disloyalty cost them the girls of their dreams?

Despite a novel attempt at categorizing modern dating, That Awkward Moment unfortunately shoehorns in too many raunchy jokes that are neither necessary nor entertaining.

Incidentally, in the olden days, men could always tell they were dating because their balls were blue.  Red Light

Her

The upside to dating a computer operating system is that when they get unresponsive, you can always Force Quit.

Which is why the relationship in this romantic-drama is perfect.

In the hyper-connected future, a withdrawn writer, Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix), deals with his pending divorce by downloading an OS tailored to his specific tastes.

Calling herself Samantha (Scarlett Johansson), she starts to draw Theodore out of his shell, challenging him to new experiences.

Eventually, they form a bond that turns into something unheard of in the dating world.

Like all relationship though, it faces a host of difficulties as Samantha evolves and interacts with other A.I.

Written and directed by Spike Jonze, Her is a melancholy meander through a possible-future flavoured with warm hues, hiked up trousers and solitude.

As sensitive as it’s lead, Her articulates the sweet subtleties of relationships, real or synthetic.

Furthermore, an OS girlfriend never complains about her weight.  Green Light

Vampire Academy

The weirdest thing about an academy for vampires is that the school’s team mascot is a hemophiliac.

Unfortunately, this romantic-fantasy doesn’t feature any sports.

Following her parents’ tragic death, the vampire princess Lissa (Lucy Fry) and her smart-alecky protector Rose (Zoey Deutch) runaway from the academy and live among humans for two years.

Suddenly hunted by a legendary race of vampires, the girls are forced to return to St. Vladimir's Academy, where Lissa’s latent powers begin to flourish.

But those powers prove desirable to a secret cabal intent on harnessing them.

Elsewhere, an instructor (Danila Kozlovsky) teaches the impetuous Rose the fighting skills she will need to fend off an imminent onslaught of vicious vamps.

With vapid romances, infantile dialogue, and grating performances, this adaptation of the Teen Lit book series is a bubble-gum depiction of a once formidable species.

Besides, how can teenage vampires suck blood with braces on?  Red Light

***Modem Love Story***

Electric Dreams

Computers make great lovers because they don’t care if you text during sex.

Mind you, the self-aware hardware in this romantic-comedy probably would have a problem.

With hopes of designing an earthquake proof structure, architect Miles (Lenny Von Dohlen) purchases a computer to help in the process.

But when an alcoholic beverage is spilt over its circuit board, the passive processor gains a playful personality, Edgar (Bud Cort).

One day, Edgar makes a musical connection with Miles’ neighbour Madeline (Virginia Madsen), who assumes that it is Miles she is communing with.

Over time, however, Edgar begins to resent Miles’ relationship with Madeline and electronically sabotages his financial and personal well-being.

Pondering the pitfalls of online dating before it even existed, this silicon nod to Cyrano de Bergerac is a sly and sadistic snapshot of our soon-to-be society.

Incidentally, computers don’t mind it if you break-up with them via a text.

He’s a Semi-Processor. He’s the…

Vidiot