Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Collagen Lip-Syncs. He’s the…

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Week of May 9, 2014

God has fake tits. First up…

I, Frankenstein

To pass as a modern-day human, Frankenstein’s monster could tell people his facial scarring was from a botched facelift.

Mind you, the abomination in this action movie opted for a simple hoodie.

Centuries after he murdered his master’s mate, Frankenstein’s creation, Adam (Aaron Eckhart), returns to civilization.

There, he is recruited by a gang of gargoyles (Miranda Otto, Jai Courtney, Caitlin Stasey) forged by Heaven’s angels to keep Hell’s demons (Bill Nighy, Kevin Grevioux, Steve Mouzakis) in check.

Unbeknownst to them, however, is the fact that the demons are trying to acquire Adam, so they can learn how to bring their demonic army to life.

From Eckhart’s clunky performance to the action-laden, but tragically typical script, this severely skewed interpretation of Mary Shelley’s novel is as much a hideous patchwork as its subject matter. 

Besides, if Frankenstein’s monster were real, it would have scrawled an illegible tell-all book by now.  Red Light

Veronica Mars

The best thing about donating to a Kickstarter campaign is that it allows you to yell CUT anytime during the film’s shoot.

However, this crowd-funded crime-thriller appears to have had only one director.

On her way to being a hotshot lawyer, Veronica Mars (Kristen Bell) boomerangs back to her teenage sleuthing days when her Ex, Logan Echolls (Jason Dohring), is accused of murdering his famous girlfriend.

To make her return to her hometown even more upsetting, it is also her 10-year high school reunion.

Fortunately, many of the attendees (Krysten Ritter, Ryan Hansen, Francis Capra) are suspects on her could-be killers’ list.

Loaded with cameos from major and minor characters from the short-lived TV show, as well as Hollywood heavyweights, this fan-sourced success story is satisfying for followers.

Those unaware of the source material, however, may feel excluded and unfulfilled.

As for 10-year reunions, most alumni haven’t even graduated university yet.  Yellow Light

***It’s Alive, Broadcast***

Munster, Go Home!

The parental advantage to being a Frankenstein-esque father is your torso can be at work and your head can be at your kid’s soccer game.

However, in this comedy, the patchwork patriarch’s entire body is overseas.

Willed an English manor by his relative, Herman (Fred Gwynne) moves his vampiric wife (Yvonne De Carlo), his feral son (Butch Patrick), his blood-sucking father-in-law (Al Lewis) and his normal-looking niece (Debbie Watson) to Munster Hall.

Herman’s cousins (Jeanne Arnold, Terry-Thomas) however are infuriated that he inherited their estate. 

To rid the home of their relations, the pair plan to sabotage a drag race Herman is entered in.

As campy as the TV show it’s based on, this creature feature-film boasts most of the principal cast members as well as Grampa Munster’s legendary Drag-u-la dragster.

Besides, Brits having a problem with weird-looking people with pointy teeth is like the kettle calling the pot black.

 He’s a Disembodied Guard. He’s the…

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