He’s a Nude Beached Whale. He's the...
Vidiot
Week of January 25, 2019
The ocean is a toilet that will never clog.
First up...
Hunter Killer
The upside to being a submarine captain is
your crew has no choice but to go down with the ship too.
However, the commander in this thriller
hopes to keep his tub leak-free.
Unorthodox officer Joe (Gerard Butler) is
assigned to helm the USS Arkansas on an investigation in to the disappearance
of the USS Tampa Bay. When Joe locates the missing sub he also uncovers a plot
by the Russian defense minister to overthrow his government by orchestrating
WWIII. As his admiral (Gary Oldman) negotiates with the usurper, Joe and his
Russian counterpart (Michael Nyqvist) try to thwart the coup.
While the unlikely alliance between the two
super powers is timely and the action is intense at times, this badly acted
underwater white-knuckler is eerily similar to many other naval tales of its
ilk.
Nevertheless, submarine battles remain the
best form of warfare because you don’t see the casualties. Yellow Light
First Man
The best thing about being the first man on
the moon is finally getting to take a dump in peace.
Fortunately, this drama doesn’t depict any
astronauts popping squats in craters.
Following the death of his daughter, test
pilot Neil Armstrong (Ryan Gosling) joins NASA’s mission to put a man on the
moon before the Russians. Along with Deke Slayton (Kyle Chandler) and Buzz
Aldrin (Corey Stoll), Neil trains his body for the suicide mission. Meanwhile
his wife (Claire Foy) worries about her husband’s coldhearted approach to never
seeing his family again.
Beautifully shot with a haunting score and
stoic acting from Gosling, this meditation on the first man on the moon may be
a fine character study of the no-nonsense astronaut but it is also a very slow
moving one at that.
Incidentally, Vladimir Putin wants to put
the first women on the moon by imprisoning Pussy Riot there. Yellow Light
***Run Silent, Run Nuclear***
Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea
The worst thing about living in a submarine
is that everyone on Tinder is onboard.
Even worse, the celestial event in this
disaster picture is affecting the Internet.
When a meteor ignites the Van Allen belt
and sets Earth temperatures soaring, the only solution to extinguish the
sky-fire rests on an experimental submarine training near the Arctic Circle.
It’s now up to Admiral Nelson (Walter Pidgeon), his crew (Barbara Eden, Frankie
Avalon, Peter Lorre) and the on-board psychologist (Joan Fontaine) to get to
the Mariana Trench and launch their nuclear missiles at the fiery heavens.
Saturated in vivid colours, diverse
characters and giant sea-creatures, this 1961 speculative tale is pure Irwin
Allen. Backed by an overly talented cast, the Master of Disaster is able to
give some creditability to this campy adventure that also spawned a hit TV
series.
As for what’s on the bottom of the sea:
Mermaid graveyard.
He’s Marianas' Entrenched. He’s the…
Vidiot
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