Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Sweetheart Surgeon. He’s the…

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Week of February 1, 2019

Remember to always practise safe sexism. First up…

Suspiria

The best thing about going to a school run by witches is that clothing is optional.

That said the crones in this horror movie prefer to keep their coven undercover.

Despite no formal training, American Susie (Dakota Johnson) is not only accepted in to a prestige German Dance Academy, but she’s also chosen as the lead in their upcoming production. Meanwhile, some students within the school have started accusing the Three Mothers and their instructor (Tilda Swinton) of being in league with Satan.

With elaborate dance routines, Swinton in multiple roles and a soundtrack supplied by Radiohead’s Thom Yorke, this remake of Dario Argento’s 1977 masterwork certainly shoots for the fences. Unfortunately, the muted tones, the lack of scares and lengthy run-time derail any hopes this update has of besting - or even matching - the original.

However, witchcraft does explain why there are so many dance shows on television.  Red Light 

 

Widows

Without their husband around wives would be forced to nag strange men on the street.

Or, they could do like the women in this thriller and commandeer their partner’s business.

When their husbands (Liam Neeson, Jon Bernthal, Manuel Garcia-Rulfo) are murdered amid a million dollar heist and the man they stole from comes looking for repayment, three widows (Viola Davis, Michelle Rodriguez, Elizabeth Debicki) have no choice but to settle the score by pulling off their own robbery. Meanwhile their mark (Robert Duvall) and his son (Colin Farrell) vie for control over Chicago.  

An engaging caper that flips the typical masculine narrative on its ear and outfits it with a social and political edge, this adaptation of the British television series is updated with enough twists and strong performances to warrant its big screen retelling.      

Moreover, with all of their panty hose it just makes sense for women to steal.  Yellow Light

 

Roma

The upside to being a servant in America is you never understand what your boss is yelling at you.

Unfortunately for the maid in this drama, her employer speaks perfect Spanish.

Introvert Cleo (Yalitza Aparicio) works for Mrs. Sofia (Marina de Tavira) maintaining her family home in the heart of Mexico City’s richest neighbourhood as well as helping her raise her four children while their father is away on business. The family dynamic begins to shift, however, when Sofia’s husband’s absences begin to grow longer and a deadbeat rebel fighter impregnates Cleo.

Slow yet startling, subtle yet spirited, writer/director Alfonso Cuarón lovingly retells the tales of his affluent childhood through the eyes of his family’s improvised maid in this black-and-white Netflix import that is beautifully shot against the social unrest of 1970s.

Best of all, when you clean up after rich kids you know exactly where they hide their allowance.  Green Light

***Woman’s Glib***

Seance on a Wet Afternoon

Women are better mediums because they remember to relay the messages from the dead.

However, the clairvoyant in this drama is delivering all of the wrong memos from beyond.

Mystic Myra Savage (Kim Stanley) convinces her doting husband Billy (Richard Attenborough) to kidnap the daughter of an affluent couple so that she may demonstrate to the police and to the public her true psychic prowess - and hopefully drum up some business for her home séances. But Myra’s obsession with her own missing child begins to cloud her actions. As a result she escalates the prospective kidnapping charge to a murder wrap.  

While it is free from any supernatural entanglements, this brilliantly acted British adaptation of the 1960s novel is no less atmospheric and haunting thanks to its deep exploration of personal loss and its affects on one’s mental state.

Incidentally, be wary of séances that have commercials in them.

He Speaks to the Dead Tired. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Nude Beached Whale. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of January 25, 2019

The ocean is a toilet that will never clog. First up...

Hunter Killer

The upside to being a submarine captain is your crew has no choice but to go down with the ship too.

However, the commander in this thriller hopes to keep his tub leak-free.

Unorthodox officer Joe (Gerard Butler) is assigned to helm the USS Arkansas on an investigation in to the disappearance of the USS Tampa Bay. When Joe locates the missing sub he also uncovers a plot by the Russian defense minister to overthrow his government by orchestrating WWIII. As his admiral (Gary Oldman) negotiates with the usurper, Joe and his Russian counterpart (Michael Nyqvist) try to thwart the coup.

While the unlikely alliance between the two super powers is timely and the action is intense at times, this badly acted underwater white-knuckler is eerily similar to many other naval tales of its ilk. 

Nevertheless, submarine battles remain the best form of warfare because you don’t see the casualties.  Yellow Light

 

First Man

The best thing about being the first man on the moon is finally getting to take a dump in peace.

Fortunately, this drama doesn’t depict any astronauts popping squats in craters.

Following the death of his daughter, test pilot Neil Armstrong (Ryan Gosling) joins NASA’s mission to put a man on the moon before the Russians. Along with Deke Slayton (Kyle Chandler) and Buzz Aldrin (Corey Stoll), Neil trains his body for the suicide mission. Meanwhile his wife (Claire Foy) worries about her husband’s coldhearted approach to never seeing his family again.

Beautifully shot with a haunting score and stoic acting from Gosling, this meditation on the first man on the moon may be a fine character study of the no-nonsense astronaut but it is also a very slow moving one at that.

Incidentally, Vladimir Putin wants to put the first women on the moon by imprisoning Pussy Riot there.  Yellow Light

***Run Silent, Run Nuclear***

Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea

The worst thing about living in a submarine is that everyone on Tinder is onboard.

Even worse, the celestial event in this disaster picture is affecting the Internet.

When a meteor ignites the Van Allen belt and sets Earth temperatures soaring, the only solution to extinguish the sky-fire rests on an experimental submarine training near the Arctic Circle. It’s now up to Admiral Nelson (Walter Pidgeon), his crew (Barbara Eden, Frankie Avalon, Peter Lorre) and the on-board psychologist (Joan Fontaine) to get to the Mariana Trench and launch their nuclear missiles at the fiery heavens.

Saturated in vivid colours, diverse characters and giant sea-creatures, this 1961 speculative tale is pure Irwin Allen. Backed by an overly talented cast, the Master of Disaster is able to give some creditability to this campy adventure that also spawned a hit TV series.

As for what’s on the bottom of the sea: Mermaid graveyard.

He’s Marianas' Entrenched. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has a Banana Split Personality. He’s the…

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Week of January 18, 2019

The cheap holiday candy is sold right before the next holiday candy arrives. First up…

Halloween

The scariest Jack-o’-lanterns can be found on front porches 2-weeks after Halloween.

Thankfully the gourds in this horror movie are fungus free and prime for carving up.

When Michael Myers escapes from custody on the anniversary of his 1978 killing spree, the only survivor of those attacks Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) readies her daughter (Judy Greer) and granddaughter (Andi Matichak) for the forthcoming confrontation. And this time around, instead of a scared babysitter, the knife wielding Michael is going to find a scorned woman with a score to settle.

Set after the events in John Carpenter’s original, this stylish sequel co-written by Danny McBride pays homage to the prototype in a plethora of ingenious ways. However, this mildly gory tribute comes with a serious dosage of oddball comedy that often undermines the massacres.

Moreover, if Michael Myers loves stabbing people in costumes so much he should attend a cosplay convention.  Yellow Light

 

Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween       

Nowadays the only thing kids read are online comments about how they should go kill themselves.

Fortunately, the friends in this horror movie have found something less dangerous to read. 

When Sonny and Sam are hired to clean out a dilapidated dwelling they discover an unpublished book by R. L. Stine (Jack Black), the author of the Goosebumps series. But by opening the book the boys unleash a ventriloquist’s dummy that uses the book’s power to bring other fictional creations to life. With help from their neighbor (Ken Jeong) and babysitter (Madison Iseman), they must get the beasts back in the book.

Lacking all of the nostalgia of the initial installment, this mostly Jack Black free sequel suffers from a serious similarity to its predecessor’s story. Save for a handful of scares, this generic follow-up is disappointing.

Besides, it would’ve been smarter to just self-publish the manuscript under your own name.  Red Light

Johnny English Strikes Again

The best thing about being a spy is that you don’t have to save anything for retirement.

Sadly, the agent in this comedy was not tortured to death before leaving the agency.

When his former employer MI7 is hacked by a cyber-terrorist and the names of every active field agent is revealed, geography teacher Johnny English (Rowan Atkinson) is reinstated and tasked with tracking down those behind the hack. But as English attempts to outwit his Russian counterpart (Olga Kurylenko), the real perpetrator makes a deal with the British Prime Minister (Emma Thompson) for access to sensitive government material.

Stained by sight gags and pratfalls that have been seen in previous instalments of the British franchise, this pointless sequel sinks even lower with a hackneyed cyber-hacking storyline that’s pretty much standard across the espionage genre.

Moreover, when retired spies come back to work they bring their woodworking projects with them.  Red Light

***Sans Myers***

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

The best way to eradicate a serial killer, like Michael Myers, is with serial executions.   

Mind you, this horror movie sequel does the next best thing and just excludes him.

When a patient sets himself on fire over a Halloween mask, Dr. Challis (Tom Atkins) and the dead man’s daughter (Stacey Nelkin) head to the manufacture to get some answers. But after meeting the owner (Dan O'Herlihy) and learning of his nefarious plans to sacrifice trick-or-treaters to reinstate Celtic black magic, Challis must now stop a TV giveaway that will trigger the genocide.

Straying far from the continuity established by John Carpenter’s Halloween and its follow-up, this third instalment trades in the knife wielding manic for androids, Irish folklore and subliminal messages. Widely unpopular in 1982, this standalone has matured into a suspenseful supernatural cult film.

Besides, without children around Halloween would just turn into some kind of costumed orgy.

He’s a DiffiCult Leader. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Aftertaste Maker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 11, 2019

Nothing solves a debt crisis better than an apocalypse. First up…

Bird Box

Although the athletes are heavily mutated, post-apocalyptic Olympic games are a sight to behold.

Regrettably, the blindfolded resistance in this horror movie will never be able to observe one.

When an unseen entity begins manipulating humans to kill themselves, expectant mother Malorie (Sandra Bullock) must cover her eyes to avoid the creature’s suicidal influence. Eventually, she finds shelter with other survivors (John Malkovich, Trevante Rhodes, BD Wong) and gives birth. With word of a superior sanctuary downstream, Malorie braves the torrents blindfolded in order to get her brood there.  

Although the dialogue is exceptionally corny, the accomplished cast works wonders with the material provided. And while the idea of a sightless struggle for survival is certainly nerve-racking and ingeniously depicted, this Netflix adaptation of the dystopian bestseller is too ambition for its 2-hour confines.

Moreover, everyone knows the only way to tackle rapids blind is inside of a wooden barrel.  Yellow Light

 

Mid90s

The biggest threat to nineties teenagers was having their baggy clothing sucked in to machinery.

However, this dramedy depicts a number of other dangerous situations that generation tackled.

Drawn to the rebellious fun of skateboarding, 13-year-old Stevie (Sunny Suljic) aligns himself with a rambunctious crew. Thanks to his daring nature, he quickly works his way up the ranks, drawing disdain from other skaters. Meanwhile, Stevie’s new friends have become a point of concern for his mother (Katherine Waterston) and older brother (Lucas Hedges).

Extremely similar to a number of coming-of-age dramas released in the 1990s themselves, first-time director Jonah Hill does a commendable job of bringing the era, its attitudes and its soundtrack to life. Meanwhile, the underage cast fit the slacker image to a tee and deliver the crude slang with legitimacy.

And while there was wireless back then you only had coverage to the end of your driveway.  Green Light

The Old Man & the Gun

It’s important to keep handguns away from the elderly as they may mistake then for blow dryers.

Surprisingly, the septuagenarian in this heist picture is more astute than most his age.

Career criminal Forrest Tucker (Robert Redford) finally escapes custody in the 1970s and goes on a successful crime spree while in his seventies. Thanks to his charisma and creativity, Tucker wins over bank patrons and his long-time love (Sissy Spacek). He also uses said attributes to evade the detective (Casey Affleck) sent to apprehend him for a number of years.

The incredible true story of one of history’s greatest prison escape artists as well as actor Robert Redford’s final film performance, this endearing cat-and-mouse caper is a superlative send-off for the latter and a heartfelt tribute to the deceased former.

However, it’s hard to believe that any senior citizen can be in-and-out of a bank in under an hour.  Green Light

***Blue-Hair Trigger***

Rififi

For career criminals prison is like a retirement home that family actually visits.

However, the felon in this heist picture has just been released from those safe confines.

Freed after a 5-year prison stint, ex-thief Tony (Jean Servais) is approached by his old pal Jo (Carl Möhner) about a repeat performance on a Parisian gem store. Hoping to remain a free man, Tony insists on doing the job like a professional. Hiring a safecracker to reach the real riches, Tony’s crew is eventually successful. However, everything unravels when a gangster comes after their loot.

Remembered for its white-knuckle – and completely soundless - burglary scene that has been mimicked by real-life bank robbers since the film’s 1955 release, this pioneer of French New Wave cinema remains one of the best examples of the genre’s criminal underbelly.

Incidentally, the best time for a smash-and-grab in Paris is during a Yellow Vest protest.

He’s a Gold Band of Thieves. He’s the…

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