Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Christmas Mass Murderer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 8, 2017

Santa Claus is an inspiration to burglars everywhere. First up…

 

Despicable Me 3

You can always tell someone is a recovering super-villain by the way they laugh.

Mind you, the ex-baddie’s gleefulness in this animated-comedy is less maniacal.

Former fiend turned Anti-Villain League secret agent Gru (Steve Carell) and his wife (Kristen Wiig) are fired from their positions after failing to thwart former child star turned terrorist Balthazar Bratt (Trey Parker).

On the bright side, Gru learns he has a brother that he has never met who wants Gru to teach him all about super-villainy. Meanwhile, Gru’s jaundiced henchmen serve out their prison sentence.

The second sequel to the middling original, this latest installment feels more like an episode of a Saturday morning cartoon than a 3-D feature. With a hackneyed subplot involving family bonding and tired jokes about 1980s, this mostly Minion free mess meanders into mediocrity.

Besides, without villains superheroes would have to start pushing people in front of trains themselves.  Red Light

 

Better Watch Out

To ward off would be Christmas thieves put an inflatable menorah on your lawn

Unfortunately, the invaders in this horror-comedy are already inside the home.

Despite being preteen, Luke’s (Levi Miller) parents (Patrick Warburton, Virginia Madsen) still insist on Ashley (Olivia DeJonge) babysitting him while they are out.

Planning on confessing his love to Ashley, Luke’s declaration is disrupted by his friend Garret (Ed Oxenbould). The trio later receives a note warning them not to leave the house. When Garret disobeys the directive, his death begets a night unlike any other.

Containing the most shocking mid-way twist reveal in years, this sadistic salute to seasonal standards starring mischievous little boys turns the fair-haired archetype on its severed heads. Able to make you cringe and crack-up, this future cult classic comes highly recommended.

And to dispose of a body at Christmas, simply wrap it and leave it under the nearest tree.  Green Light 

***Milk and Cookie Monster***

 

Christmas Evil

Santa Claus tells burglars that home invasion is okay so long as you bring a gift.

Regrettably, the only gift the malefactor in this horror movie bares is a swinging axe.

Toymaker Harry (Brandon Maggart) takes his job so seriously he believes he’s destined to be Kris Kringle. Wearing the red and white costume and compiling a nice/naughty list of his neighbours, Harry dispenses his brand of Christmas justice upon them.

While some get gifts from him, others - like his shiftless coworker (Joe Jamrog) or mouthy hipsters – get a taste of Harry’s hatchet.

Originally titled: You Better Watch Out, this B-Movie from 1980 set the standard for the seasonal slashers that started appearing shortly after its release. Cheesy, but tinged with social commentary, this Christmas story straddles the line between goodwill and pure evil.  

Still, the creepiest thing about Santa remains his fixation with having children sit on him.

He’s a North Polecat. He’s…

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