He’s a Killing Machine Repairman. He’s the...
Vidiot
Week of November 17, 2017
Harm's way or the highway. First up...
Atomic Blonde
The reason blondes make such terrible spies is that they always confuse their birth control with their cyanide pills.
Fortunately, the fair-haired operative in this actioneer is smarter than the average blonde.
Near the end of the Cold War MI6 agent Lorraine (Charlize Theron) is sent to Berlin to recover microfilm containing the names of active spies as well as kill the double agent who is planning on selling the list to the KGB.
Aided by a fellow agent (James McAvoy), Lorraine faces brutal adversity at every turn as she helps a defector (Eddie Marsan) with the list memorized flee the country with his family.
While the straightforward storyline following familiar counterintelligence procedure, including predictable plot twists and the obvious red herrings, it is the kinetic action scenes and the magnetic lead actress that make this stylish spy thriller standout.
Incidentally, all female spy gadgets double as sanitary napkins. Green Light
Wind River
For some reason US Fish and Wildlife officers have a bad habit of shooting defenseless black bears.
Mind you, it’s not the body of an animal that has been discovered in this thriller, but a human.
While he is hunting a mountain lion, Wind River Indian Reservation’s resident Fish and Wildlife Service agent Cory (Jeremy Renner) finds the bodies of a Native female and a Caucasian male frozen in the middle of nowhere.
An FBI agent (Elizabeth Olsen) is dispatched to the isolated reserve to investigate, but with no knowledge of the terrain she must employ Cory’s tracking skills to locate the killer.
Although its heart is in the right place, bringing light to missing indigenous women, this neo-western with a Nick Cave composition stumbles in its delivery. The mystery is far-fetched while the indigenous cast simply serves as background scenery.
Lastly, having a white corpse always gets better response time from the authorities. Yellow Light
The Babysitter
Nowadays, it’s hard to find a babysitter on a budget that your husband still wants to screw.
Fortunately, the family in this horror-comedy has had the same sitter for years.
Despite being 12-years-old Cole’s (Judah Lewis) parents insist on hiring a babysitter while they are away for the weekend. Luckily for Cole his sitter is a leggy blonde named Bee (Samara Weaving) who is into sci-fi and junk food.
After Bee puts Cole to bed her friends (Bella Thorne, Hana Mae Lee, Robbie Amell) show up for a human sacrifice. Now, it’s up to Cole to keep them from completing their unholy ceremony.
Trying desperately to be both hilarious and horrific, this tongue-in-cheek teen slasher fails on all fronts. While there are a few laughs, the majority of jokes fall flat. Even the blood and gore feels trite.
Furthermore, millennial babysitters just get their parents to look after the kid. Red Light
***Snow Shoe Sale***
Lady Snowblood
Female assassins are so successful because they unnerve their target by breastfeeding in front of them first.
Sadly, the lady-killer in this action movie is more focused on revenge than starting a family.
While in prison for attempted murder, Sayo (Miyoko Akaza) is impregnated by a guard so she can birth revenge on the thugs who killed her husband and son.
Upon her birth, Yuki (Meiko Kaji) is handed over to Dōkai (Kō Nishimura) to be trained as an assassin.
Later, Yuki reappears with a sword sheathed in an umbrella and 4 names on a list she’s looking to cross off.
A beautifully shot bloodbath, this 1973 Japanese thriller utilizes flashbacks to reveal its depressing narrative. Caked with blood, this highly influential picture not only spawned a sequel but a number of modern cinematic homages.
Moreover, it confirms that Japanese thugs do contain double the normal amount of human blood.
He’s Unsettling of Scores. He’s the...
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