He’s Semi-Prolific. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of November 5, 2002 – November 3, 2017
Has it been 20 years yet? First up…
The Dark Tower
The only way to solve gun violence is to
turn all weapons manufacturing over to Nerf.
Mind you, foam darts would be detrimental
to the gunslinger in this fantasy.
Roland (Idris Elba) and his six-shooters
have been chasing the Man in Black (Matthew McConaughey) across the
post-apocalyptic terrain of Mid-World ever since he cut down Roland’s father.
The roles reverse, however, when an Earth boy (Tom Taylor) with psychic
abilities crossing over to their realm through a portal.
Now, Rolland must keep the Man in Black
from using the child to destroy the nexus between our world and theirs,
releasing all hell.
The drastically abridged version of Stephen
King’s magnum opus, this anemic adaptation is an absolute insult to fans of the
long-running series. Newcomers will also be put-off by the film’s hurried pace,
muddled script and hokey dialogue.
Incidentally, these portals to other realms
would make for ideal landfills. Red
Light
Kidnap
Ugly parents don’t have to worry about
their children being kidnapped.
Attractive ones however, like the mother in
this thriller, should be concerned.
While spending the day with her son at a
carnival, single-mother Karla (Halle Berry) takes a phone call that will alter
the course of her life. While she is talking to her divorce lawyer, someone in
a green Mustang is making off with her 6-year-old son.
In desperation Karla gives chase, following
the kidnappers back to their secluded liar where they have other children held
captive. With no one but her to free them, Karla takes matters into her own
hands.
Wasting virtually no time at all on
exposition or character development, this breakneck car chase movie instead
floors it hoping no notices the lack of narrative. Short, simplistic and
unmemorable, Kidnap isn’t worth the ransom.
Moreover, thanks to food allergies and
behaviour problems, kidnappings are down. Red Light
The Emoji Movie
Growing up the only emoticon you were
allowed to feel was: Smiling Face.
As per this animated-adventure: Now there’s
a myriad of symbols to emote your psychosis.
Inside of a teenager’s phone lives a
multifaceted face emoji, Gene (T.J. Miller), that doesn’t want to be defined by
his ‘meh’ designation, like his parents, so he teams up with a HI-5 sign (James
Corden) and a hacker (Anna Faris) that can help fix his glitch before Gene is
deleted.
But to repair Gene they must survive Candy
Crush, Instagram and Spotify.
A platform for app and software companies
to reach impressionable young minds, this commercial masked as a 3-D kids
cartoon is corporate brainwashing. Intent on creating brand loyalty amongst
preschoolers by way of cutesy characters, showing this schlock to minors should
be deemed child abuse.
Furthermore, who needs emoticons when every
human emotion can be articulated by a dick pic?
Red Light
***Screen Agers***
Weird Science
In 1985, teenagers could only use computers
for menial tasks like hacking into military missile silos.
Also, according to this comedy, they could
be used to create babes.
Socially awkward high school students Gary
(Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith) use their home computer
to download the woman of their dreams, Lisa (Kelly LeBrock).
Determined to bring her creators out of
their shells, the hypersexual avatar throws the boys a house party and invents
their crushes, their tormentor (Robert Downey, Jr.) and a post-apocalyptic
biker gang to the shindig. However, Wyatt’s older brother (Bill Paxton)
threatens the fun.
An adaptation of EC Comics’ popular science
fiction title from the 1950s that has been run-through the John Hughes’
adolescent pathos machine, this out-there cult classic remains a touchstone of
eighties comedies thanks to the aforementioned writer/director.
Incidentally, if computers could create
woman then men wouldn’t need computers to lure them.
He’s a Digital Ageist. He’s the…
*******************************
Dear Russian hackers and spam bots,
The reviews you have just read mark 15
years of The Vidiot.
And we hear at HQ would like to thank our
most loyal followers for their diligence in trying to pilfer personal
information for lo these many years by offering them a glimpse at how it all
began.
Dos Vedanya
**********************************
From
his greasy hands to your boring Weekend.........It's time for the Vid Idiot.
The week of November 5, 2002
Whoa,Whoa!!!! Let me catch my breath. Jeez
after last weeks Debut (Debiew. if your french) of that Wacky wall crawler
Spider-Man, I'm worn out. And now it's, mid-to-almost over, of the end of this
week and the New Arrivals are straggling...
1. For the Ladies: The Divine Ya-Ya-Ya
Fucking Sisterhood shit, some club or gang ....... Didn't see it.
2. for the gents: It's a toss up in-between
the full dvd mini series of the hit war drama "Band of Brothers" or
"Ghetto Dawg".... Represent, Yo.
3. for all the "art crowd"-
there's "the dangerous lives of alter boys", a hokey piece of coming
of age story about two best friends who pull pranks and stuff on, mean old
Jodie Foster the nun at the catholic school. The idea was there, but for some
reason it made me want to eat fuck.
If you like quirky, "stand by
me", "oh, no! My best friend got eating by a tiger, bull shit movies;
then it's right up your alley. For me the coming of age movie genre ended with
Ghost World. All that follow are just crap.
**************PICK OF THE WEEK********
Nothing buffers nicely between Spider-Man
and Attack of the Clones then PUMPKIN a quirky, comedy about sorority sister
Christina Ricci falling in love with the retarded boy she is mentoring; to win
best sorority on campus.
If you like "heathers," with a
dash of "legally blonde". It's a fun movie with some serious under
tones and great moody music. I liked it so much I even paid for the late
without whining.
The only bad thing I've heard bad about it
came from Stephen McLean who said "there weren't enough "real"
retarded people in it."
Hey if that's the only bad thing you can
say about a movie, then it must a pretty good fucking movie.
'Til next time my greasy hand
touches your soft skin in a sales transaction.......... I'm the Vid Idiot
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