Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Commits Snow-Manslaughter. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 1, 2017

Icicle stabbings escalate every December. First up…

 

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The Hitman’s Bodyguard

You should never hand your hitman friend a guest list and ask them to take care of it.

Thankfully, the contract killer in this action-comedy isn’t attending any parties any time soon.

Willing to testify against a murderous dictator (Gary Oldman) in exchange for his wife’s (Salma Hayek) release from prison, renowned button man Kincaid (Samuel L. Jackson) is paired with disgraced bodyguard Bryce (Ryan Reynolds) to ensure that he makes it to the witness stand alive.

Unfortunately, Bryce’s uptight approach towards witness protection conflicts with Kincaid’s laidback attitude towards killing. However, Interpol’s plan to betray both brings them together. 

While the action and the plot of this over-the-top buddy picture are pretty much old hat, the rapid-fire banter between the two archetypal, yet charismatic, leads do make up for the film’s numerous shortcomings.

Incidentally, as an assassin’s bodyguard you get to pat down a lot of high paid therapists.  Yellow Light

 

American Assassin

The trouble with millennial assassins is that they take too many selfies with their dead target afterwards.

Luckily, the rookie in this action-thriller had a traumatic experience with a camera.

After filming his fiancée’s death at the hands of jihadists, Mitch Rapp (Dylan O'Brien) studies Islam in order to infiltrate their cell and extract revenge. However, the CIA has been monitoring Rapp’s online activities and has now recruited him.

Trained by a gruff ex-Navy SEAL (Michael Keaton), Rapp is sent into the field to stop a former agent (Taylor Kitsch) from selling a nuclear weapon to terrorists.

Mitch Rapp’s first foray into films, this stylish adaptation of the popular book series is a misstep for the fledging franchise. While the performances are solid, the turncoat agent storyline is standard cloak and dagger stuff.

Moreover, it must be hard to win a war when your citizens keep joining the other side.  Yellow Light  

***Slay Belle***

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The Long Kiss Goodnight

The best gift you can give an assassin at Christmas is a contract on a cheating spouse.

Regrettably, the killer in this action movie has forgotten who she is.

When a holiday head injury jogs memories of her being a CIA assassin, mild-mannered schoolteacher Samantha (Geena Davis) hires a private detective (Samuel L. Jackson) to help her uncover this mysterious past she has forgotten.

It’s not long until the agent who tried to kill her the first time comes to finish the job that Sam recalls her final mission to frame Islamic terrorists for a CIA bombing of Niagara Falls.

With its breakneck action sequences, slick dialogue and hilarious performance from Sam Jackson, this highly underrated buddy picture from 1996 is also a neglected Christmas movie that deserves a seat at the yuletide action movie table.

Besides, with all of the seasonal suicides Christmas is a slow time for hit-men.

He’s Saint Nickel and Dime. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the Nth Wonder of the World. He’s the...

Vidiot

Week of November 24, 2017

There is no other planet more fun to destroy than Earth. First up...

 

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Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

The only difference between air and space travel are the amount of tentacles the rude flight attendant has.

Bad service is likely the reason the star-farer in this sci-fi fantasy commands his own spaceship.

Major Valerian (Dane DeHaan) and his pilot Sergeant Laureline (Cara Delevingne) are dispatched by the International Space Station to intercede the black market sale of a special converter that could help save the travelling city of Alpha.

However, the converter holds an ancient secret within it that could undermine the very system Valerian and Laureline are fighting to defend.

Director Luc Besson’s eye-popping 3-D adaptation of the long-running French comic series, this lengthy production certainly captures the way-out there ideas of the space opera strip, however, the childish humour, goofy looking aliens and hollow acting don’t translate to the screen as well.

Besides, French comic book heroes tend to surrender at the first sign of danger.  Yellow Light   

 

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Logan Lucky

Most criminals know that when you steal from NASCAR you are stealing from Jesus himself.

However, someone failed to tell the morons in this comedy about NASCAR’s number one fan.

Recently laid off Logan (Channing Tatum) concocts a plan to rob his former employee: Charlotte Motor Speedway, by intercepting the money capsules that move through the facility via tubelines.

With help from his brother Clyde (Adam Driver), two dimwitted hackers (Brian Gleeson, Jack Quaid) and a safecracker (Daniel Craig), Logan hopes that the caper will reunite him with his estranged daughter. Instead it sets off a wild chain of events.

Despite its stacked cast and an accomplished director in Steven Soderbergh, this comedic heist is light on laughs and heavy on annoying characters, highly improbable situations and monotonous pacing. In fact, Driver’s dopey accent discredits the entire production.

Worse, when you steal from NASCAR your punishment is to watch NASCAR.  Red Light

***Extinction Level Up***

 

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Cowboy Bebop: The Movie

The upside to living on Mars is that you don’t have to travel far for your anal probing.

Mind you, there won’t be much to probe if the terrorists in this anime have their way.

Nearly 50 years after a dying Earth was evacuated in favour of life on Mars, the fleeting human populace once again faces extinction in the form of nanovirus. To prevent further attacks, the Martian government issues a generous bounty, which subsequently attracts Faye Valentine, owner of the spaceship Beebop, and her ragtag crew of bounty hunters, Spike Spiegel, Jet Black and a robotic dog.

Based on the popular television series of the same name, this feature length animated adaptation will satisfy long-time fans of the series, but struggles to find new fans thanks to its somewhat goofy standalone narrative.

Incidentally, life on Mars is pretty much the same as on Earth except the garbage floats.

He’s a Space Case Study. He’s the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Killing Machine Repairman. He’s the...

Vidiot

Week of November 17, 2017

Harm's way or the highway. First up...

 

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Atomic Blonde

The reason blondes make such terrible spies is that they always confuse their birth control with their cyanide pills.

Fortunately, the fair-haired operative in this actioneer is smarter than the average blonde.

Near the end of the Cold War MI6 agent Lorraine (Charlize Theron) is sent to Berlin to recover microfilm containing the names of active spies as well as kill the double agent who is planning on selling the list to the KGB.

Aided by a fellow agent (James McAvoy), Lorraine faces brutal adversity at every turn as she helps a defector (Eddie Marsan) with the list memorized flee the country with his family.

While the straightforward storyline following familiar counterintelligence procedure, including predictable plot twists and the obvious red herrings, it is the kinetic action scenes and the magnetic lead actress that make this stylish spy thriller standout.

Incidentally, all female spy gadgets double as sanitary napkins.  Green Light  

 

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Wind River

For some reason US Fish and Wildlife officers have a bad habit of shooting defenseless black bears.

Mind you, it’s not the body of an animal that has been discovered in this thriller, but a human.

While he is hunting a mountain lion, Wind River Indian Reservation’s resident Fish and Wildlife Service agent Cory (Jeremy Renner) finds the bodies of a Native female and a Caucasian male frozen in the middle of nowhere.

An FBI agent (Elizabeth Olsen) is dispatched to the isolated reserve to investigate, but with no knowledge of the terrain she must employ Cory’s tracking skills to locate the killer.

Although its heart is in the right place, bringing light to missing indigenous women, this neo-western with a Nick Cave composition stumbles in its delivery. The mystery is far-fetched while the indigenous cast simply serves as background scenery.

Lastly, having a white corpse always gets better response time from the authorities.  Yellow Light

 

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The Babysitter

Nowadays, it’s hard to find a babysitter on a budget that your husband still wants to screw.

Fortunately, the family in this horror-comedy has had the same sitter for years.

Despite being 12-years-old Cole’s (Judah Lewis) parents insist on hiring a babysitter while they are away for the weekend.  Luckily for Cole his sitter is a leggy blonde named Bee (Samara Weaving) who is into sci-fi and junk food.

After Bee puts Cole to bed her friends (Bella Thorne, Hana Mae Lee, Robbie Amell) show up for a human sacrifice. Now, it’s up to Cole to keep them from completing their unholy ceremony.

Trying desperately to be both hilarious and horrific, this tongue-in-cheek teen slasher fails on all fronts. While there are a few laughs, the majority of jokes fall flat. Even the blood and gore feels trite.

Furthermore, millennial babysitters just get their parents to look after the kid.  Red Light

***Snow Shoe Sale***

 

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Lady Snowblood

Female assassins are so successful because they unnerve their target by breastfeeding in front of them first.

Sadly, the lady-killer in this action movie is more focused on revenge than starting a family.

While in prison for attempted murder, Sayo (Miyoko Akaza) is impregnated by a guard so she can birth revenge on the thugs who killed her husband and son.

Upon her birth, Yuki (Meiko Kaji) is handed over to Dōkai (Kō Nishimura) to be trained as an assassin.

Later, Yuki reappears with a sword sheathed in an umbrella and 4 names on a list she’s looking to cross off.

A beautifully shot bloodbath, this 1973 Japanese thriller utilizes flashbacks to reveal its depressing narrative. Caked with blood, this highly influential picture not only spawned a sequel but a number of modern cinematic homages.

Moreover, it confirms that Japanese thugs do contain double the normal amount of human blood.

He’s Unsettling of Scores. He’s the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Self-Driving Instructor. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 10, 2017

Automated cars get to pick the radio station. First up…

 

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Cars 3

The upside to living in a world ruled by sentient vehicles is ample parking.

Mind you, the articulate autos in this 3-D animated movie refer to parking spaces as condos.

Weathered racer veteran Lightning McQueen (Owen Wilson) is sent to the scrap heap when tech-savvy newcomer Jackson Storm (Armie Hammer) joins the Piston Cup race circuit and bests all of his lap records.

While he is on the mend Lightning takes his new trainer Cruz Ramirez (Cristela Alonzo) under his wing and, instead, helps her achieve her own racing aspirations; with a little help from a mysterious mechanic (Chris Cooper).

Although the animation in this second sequel is superlative, its sad storyline spins its tires on long bouts of boring dialogue with high speed racing only bookending its PC narrative. Moreover, the voice work feels uninspired by the laugh-free script. 

Besides, even self-driving cars find NASCAR to be completely boring.  Red Light

 

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The Glass Castle 

Dysfunctional families work best when everyone in the family is dysfunctional.

Unfortunately, it’s only the father in this drama that cannot stay sober.

Born and raised in an unstable home environment by her alcoholic father Rex (Woody Harrelson) and her free-spirited mother Rose Mary (Naomi Watts), Jeannette Walls (Brie Larson) and her two siblings struggle to stay sane.

Constantly on the move due to their dad’s gambling debts and social services, the children are perpetually placated by Rex’s flowery promises of a better life just around the corner.

Dealing with sensitive subject matter like rape, incest and substance abuse head on, this melodramatic adaptation of Walls’ own biography tries too hard to find a silver lining in the oppressive sadness. While the performances are impactful, the Hollywood ending feels as fanciful as one of the father’s yarns.

Incidentally, alcoholics sacrifice sobriety so their children can someday write a bestselling tell-all.  Yellow Light

 

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Ingrid Goes West

The upside to Internet stalking is that you don’t have to hide in thorny bushes anymore.

In fact, as this dark comedy points out, you don’t even need to disguise your voice nowadays.

Subsequent to her release from a mental institution, social media stalker Ingrid (Aubrey Plaza) finds her latest online crush in Instagram star Taylor (Elizabeth Olsen). With a large inheritance in tow, Ingrid relocates to LA and worms her way into Taylor’s trendsetting world.

But when questions concerning Ingrid’s life arise, she must convince her stoner landlord (O'Shea Jackson Jr.) to pose as her boyfriend in order to keep her ruse going.

A brutal critique of humanities vanity in creating false realities online and the sad sack followers that swoon over every corporate sponsored post, this sardonic production also has a number of outstanding comedic performances to help get its point across.  

Moreover, online fame is as lucrative as real fame except you get paid in bitcoin.  Green Light

***Pointed Tailpipe***

 

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The Car

If cars drive themselves who is going to tip the squeegee kid at the light?

Actually, the self-driving vehicle in this thriller would most likely run them down.

A mysterious black Lincoln Continental appears in town one day and proceeds to rundown cyclists, hitchhikers and the high school marching band. After the driverless death machine massacres the sheriff, deputy Wade (James Brolin) is left to protect the townsfolk.

With a plan to draw the killer car into a canyon to crush it, the impenetrable auto preempts Wade’s plan at every turn. Begging the question: is it possessed?

Although it predates other haunted hotrod horror movies by a few years, this low-budget road movie lacks the style and story of those later releases. However, The Car has maintained a cult status amongst genre fans for its demonic origin.

Sadly, it’s not the devil perpetrating killer car attacks anymore, but ISIS members.

He’s an Air Bagman. He’s the…

 Vidiot