Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Mismatch Maker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 27, 2016

God is my plus-one. First up…

How to Be Single

The easiest way for a person to stay single is to stop bathing.

However, the singles in this rom-com are more concerned with attracting than repelling.

To gain worldliness, Alice (Dakota Johnson) dumps her boyfriend, moves to NYC, lives with her sister (Leslie Mann), and works at a law firm where her co-worker (Rebel Wilson) introduces her into the singles scene. Elsewhere, Lucy (Alison Brie) is knee-deep in online-dating horror stories.

But overtime each finds a potential partner (Damon Wayans Jr., Anders Holm, Jake Lacy, Jason Mantzoukas) and must choose their ultimate path.

The painfully familiar story of four single females navigating singledom in the city, HTBS is neither insightful nor plausible. The women are weepy, the men are unrealistic, and the script is disjointed and laden with unladylike language and behavior.

Besides, if being single is so much fun then why can’t we torch all of the wedding gowns?  Red Light

The Finest Hours

The worst thing about being in the Coast Guard is that the only bribes you ever receive are in the form of crustaceans.

Thankfully, all of the navel officers in this drama seem on the up and up.

On the day he’s to ask his commanding officer (Eric Bana) permission to marry his fiancée (Holliday Grainger), First Mate Bernie Webber (Chris Pine) and a skeleton crew (Ben Foster, Kyle Gallner, John Magaro) are dispatched to a grounded oil tanker off Cape Cod.

But Bernie’s tiny vessel, and the relentless nor’easter, could keep him from saving all 32 crewmembers (Casey Affleck, John Ortiz, Graham McTavish).

While it is a satisfying seafaring saga inspired by actual events from the 1950s, this Disney derring-do is never as harrowing as it should be, or as romantic as it tries to be.

Moreover, doesn’t maritime law decree that Coast Guard officers can only marry mer-people? Yellow Light

Triple 9

The worst thing about working for a Russian boss is their zero-tolerance policy towards bathroom breaks.

But as the thieves in this thriller have learned, working alongside them is even worse.

The wife of a convicted Russian crime boss (Kate Winslet) hires a coalition of career criminals  (Chiwetel Ejiofor, Norman Reedus, Aaron Paul) and crooked cops (Anthony Mackie, Clifton Collins, Jr.) to obtain a safe-deposit box from a bank for her.

But before she hands over payment, she now wants them to infiltrate a government building to steal more evidence to help overturn her husband’s sentence.

Meanwhile, two straight cops (Casey Affleck, Woody Harrelson) work the case from different angels.

Action-packed with some intriguing relationships and colorful characters, Triple 9 defies its numerous crime story clichés to formulate a forceful but ultimately forgettable heist picture.

Furthermore, cops and robs only work well together when it comes to fixing their marriage.  Yellow Light

***Til Violent Deaths Do Us Part***

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Bonnie and Clyde

You can tell a married couple has robbed a bank because only the joint chequing accounts were touched.

However, the armed lovers in this thriller make a point to steal from all accounts.

Small-time crook Clyde Barrow (Warren Beatty) first encounters small-town girl Bonnie Parker (Faye Dunaway) when he tries to steal her family’s car. But instead of calling the cops, she decides to come with him on a cross-country crime spree.

Together with Clyde’s brother (Gene Hackman) and his wife (Estelle Parsons), Bonnie and Clyde gain national notoriety with ever bank they knock over. But a tenacious Texas Ranger (Denver Pyle) is determined to bring them down hard.

With gripping performances and insight into their relationship, this 1967 version of the Great Depression’s star-crossed criminals still stands as the best cinematic depiction of their bloody rampage.

Incidentally, married bank-robbers are usually apprehended in their getaway car arguing over directions.

He’s a Getaway Car Salesman. He’s the…

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