Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Hysterically Inaccurate. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 3, 2016

History is always written by those who can write. First up….

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

If zombies had existed in Victoria times the wealthy would’ve just thought them ugly peasants.

Mind you, the affluent in this action-horror movie are fully aware of their flesh-eating epidemic.

In the wake of a zombie outbreak, 19th century England’s most opulent families are required to send their offspring away to be trained in marital arts. This was the case with Elizabeth Bennet (Lily James) and her sisters (Bella Heathcote, Suki Waterhouse, Ellie Bamber, Millie Brady).

The undead, however, are not Elizabeth’s only adversary as she has found an infuriating rival in zombie-hunter Colonel Darcy (Sam Riley).

Not as over-the-top as one would expect a pairing of Jane Austin and the living dead to be, P+P+Z is also not as insipid either. Oddly enough, it’s the public domain portion of this parody that’s more pleasurable than the zombie killing parts.

Furthermore, zombies aren’t that scary when they’re wearing powdered wigs.  Yellow Light

 

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Gods of Egypt

The upside to a bird-headed god is they’re easily appeased with a bucket of mice guts.

Mind you, the falcon-faced deity in this action-fantasy movie would rather devour his nemesis.

When the immortal Set (Gerard Butler) assassinates Osiris (Bryan Brown), the King of Egypt, and declares a new tax on all souls passing over into the afterlife, the avian lord Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) partners with a street urchin, Bek (Brenton Thwaites), who has intimate knowledge of his enemy’s booby-trapped compound.

But, in exchange, for helping him, Bek needs Horus’ aid in retrieving his love (Courtney Eaton) from the afterworld. 

Inlaid with overblown special effects and abysmal performances from a fair-skinned cast, this whitewashed construct of an alternative Egypt is grossly inaccurate, insulting and inane all at the same time.

Furthermore, with all of their internal organs removed, Egyptians had plenty of room to store spare change for any afterlife tolls.  Red Light

***Mummy Dearest***

 

The Mummy

An easy Halloween costume for a Mummy is to go as the Invisible Man – and vise versa.

However, the resurrected priest in this action-horror movie probably doesn’t own a trench coat and fedora.

While on an expedition with her brother (John Hannah) and a cocksure adventurer (Brendan Fraser), librarian Evie (Rachel Weisz) uses the Book of the Dead to awaken the imprisoned soul of Imhotep (Arnold Vosloo), a treacherous Egyptian holy man who assassinated the Pharaoh so he could covet his mistress.

Now Imhotep wants to use Evie as the avatar for his lost lover’s damned soul.

While it does deviate greatly from the black and white Boris Karloff incarnations from the 1930s in terms of blazing gunfights and unforgettable special effects, this rollicking and eye-popping 1999 reimagining still manages to retain the overarching original message of love eternal.

Incidentally, Egyptian afterlife bares a striking resemblance to the British Museum.

 He’s the eBook of the Dead. He’s the…

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