He’s an Online Shoplifter. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of May 6, 2016
Online fitting rooms never feel safe. First
up…
Joy
The Home Shopping Network works exactly
like online shopping, except quantities are limited and time is running out.
Two things the aspiring inventor in this
dramedy knows all too well.
Determined to bring her removable mop-head
to market, single mother Joy Mangano (Jennifer Lawrence) convinces a QVC bigwig
(Bradley Cooper) to allow her the rare opportunity to host her own segment,
which eventually brings in sales.
But a shifty manufacturer recommended by
her deadbeat dad’s (Robert De Niro) girlfriend (Isabella Rossellini) could put
an end to all of her success, her supply and her patent.
Based on the semi-motivational true story,
Joy’s ensemble cast and offbeat direction offers the only entertainment in this
breezy biography. Whereas the plodding script only services those highpoints as
it lurches towards its inspiring yet manipulated ending.
Maybe next time they could focus on a real
QVC superstar, like, the inventor of porcelain clown figurines. Yellow Light
The 5th Wave
The easiest way for invading aliens to
assimilate into our society is by staging a televised singing competition.
Unfortunately, the enslaved adolescents in
this sci-fi movie have no vocal range.
When aggressors from outer space unleash an
array of orchestrated attacks on the Earth, including EMPs, earthquakes,
plagues and the possession of human hosts, military-trained teenagers (Chloë
Grace Moretz, Nick Robinson, Maika Monroe) are tasked by their superiors (Liev
Schreiber, Maria Bello) with exterminating the infected adult population, and
averting the 5th and final assault.
But when members of the junior militia
start exhibiting inhuman abilities, the real purpose behind their formation is
revealed.
With its derivative body-snatching script,
pedestrian creature design and obvious twist ending, this monotonous adaptation
of the YA novel is a much lower-caliber film than its post-apocalyptic
counterparts.
Besides, when you send teenagers to fight
aliens the hybrid birth rate ends up going through the roof. Red Light
The Choice
The hardest part of having a loved one in a
coma is knowing when to pull the plug…on their cable subscription.
However, the hopeful husband in this
romance hasn’t called DirecTV just yet.
Adversaries from the get-go, Gabby (Teresa
Palmer) deplores her new neighbor Travis (Benjamin Walker). But with her
boyfriend (Tom Welling) overseas, she begins to see Travis in a new light after
learning he’s the town’s vet, alongside his father (Tom Wilkinson).
When Gabby and Travis marry, an accident
leaves her in a vegetative state, and him with the choice of terminating her
life support.
With its laughable dialogue, elongated
exposition and ham-fisted leads, this latest Nicholas Sparks adaptation is one
of the worst. In fact, the religious undertones of the ending are nothing but
an idealistic cop out to this complex issue.
As for the best way to rouse your comatose
wife: bring your mistress ‘round the hospital.
Red Light
***Coma Chameleon***
While You Were Sleeping
The best time to pull the plug on a coma
patient is right before their medical insurance runs out.
Fortunately, the vegetable in this
romantic-comedy has an excellent health benefits package.
Feigning an affiliation with a comatose
passenger, Peter (Peter Gallagher), who was attacked on the L train, transit
employee Lucy (Sandra Bullock) maintains this pretext when his family (Peter
Boyle, Monica Keena, Glynis Johns) arrives at the hospital.
However, her scheme goes awry when she
starts falling for Peter’s younger brother Jack (Bill Pullman). Things get even
more complicated when Peter wakes up and doesn’t recognize her as his fiancée.
While its plot is highly unorthodox -
bordering on creepy – and its starry-eyed cliches are palpable, Bullock’s
girl-next-door demeanour does manage to transform this stalker-esque love story
into a charming little rom-com about excessive lying.
Incidentally, to payoff medical expenses
coma victims can always moonlight as mattress store mannequins.
He’s a Vegetative Statesman. He’s the…
Vidiot
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