Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Tectonic Plate-Spinner. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of May 30, 2014

Lava looks delicious. First up... 

Pompeii

The best part about living next to a volcano is that it doubles as a garbage incinerator.

Unfortunately, it looks as though the civilization in this disaster movie have overextended theirs.

Brought to the great city as a slave turned gladiator, Milo (Kit Harington) makes a name for himself when he comes to the assistance of Cassia (Emily Browning), the daughter of Pompeii’s ruler (Jared Harris).

In the arena Milo must face Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje), a warrior with only one more fight to win his freedom.

Observing the match is the Roman Senator (Kiefer Sutherland) who murdered Milo’s mother years earlier.

When Mount Vesuvius erupts, Milo gets his chance at revenge and love.

Disrespecting the many lives lost in AD 79, this Paul W. S. Anderson effects laden epic earns points for the devastation but not for the simplistic delivery.

And to think, it could’ve all have been avoided with more virgin sacrifices.  Red Light

About Last Night

The best part of a one-night stand is you don’t have to leave money on the dresser.

But if you stick around like the guys in this rom-com, you do end up paying.

Bernie (Kevin Hart) tells Danny (Michael Ealy) his experience with a girl he met at the club last night.

Joan (Regina Hall) dishes to Debbie (Joy Bryant) about her experience with this guy she met at the club last night.

When all four meet up for drinks, Debbie and Danny hit it off and sleep together.

That one-night stand turns into co-habitation. But when the constraints of relationship begin to tighten around Danny, he flinches.

An updated version of the 1986 original, this remake is remarkably funny. Furthermore, in it’s own distorted way it’s an honest portrayal of dating.

Plus, when you meet someone at a club, you know instantly that you both like paying for overpriced drinks.  Green Light

***A Lava Not a Fighter***

 

Volcano 

The reason there are no volcanoes in LA is because there’re instantly laced, cauterized and concealed with silicon.

On occasion, however, like in this disaster movie, one festers under the surface.

Emergency Management head Mike Roark (Tommy Lee Jones) and his colleague Emmit (Don Cheadle) shrug off an L.A. area earthquake when no major damage appears to be present.

Overtime, however, hot gasses begin emitting from fissures in the ground, killing city workers.

A geologist (Anne Heche) declares a volcano to be forming underneath the city streets, but Roark refuses to believe her. 

That mistake costs him Wilshire Boulevard. And if he keeps it up, it’ll cost him his daughter (Gaby Hoffmann).

The more unrealistic of the two volcano movies released in 1997, this special effects heavy one basks in the insanity of its ludicrous plot and blatant disregard for human lives.

Fortunately, lava only flows after bad people.

He's an All-Natural Disaster. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the Folk Art of War. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 23, 2014

Hitler was a better dictator than painter. First up…

 

The Monuments Men

The reason the Nazis stole art was so that the Führer could replace the artist’s name with his own.

Thankfully, the soldiers in this war movie are here to prevent Hitler’s Mona Lisa from happening.       

Near the end of the war, Frank Stokes (George Clooney) convinces the US President that Europe’s fine art needs to be reclaimed from the clutches of Nazis looters.

Compiling a team of museum curators and art historians (Matt Damon, Bill Murray, Bob Balaban, John Goodman, Jean Dujardin, Hugh Bonneville), he disperses teams in search of the relics.

But a Nazis colonel is ensuring that no one country can claim ownership.

Loosely based on real events, director George Clooney takes great liberties with the source material. Meanwhile the characters are drastically underdeveloped and the narrative is uneven.

Besides, if you want a war souvenir, do like the Americans and bring home the skulls of Japanese soldiers.  Yellow Light

 

3 Days to Kill

When you retire from the CIA the agency presents you with a commemorative plaque - outfitted with a tiny listening device.

However, the agency won’t need to keep tabs on the retiree in this action movie for long.

Diagnosed with cancer while on the trail of international arms dealer, the Wolf (Richard Sammel), Ethan Renner (Kevin Costner) reluctantly retires.

Intent on fixing his relationship with his daughter (Hailee Steinfeld), Ethan’s plans are once again sidetracked when an agent (Amber Heard) requests his services in exchange for a cure.

But balancing the antidote’s side effects, his teenager’s mood swings and preventing a bomb from being sold to terrorists, could expedite Frank’s demise.

While the cavalcade of fistfights and shootouts are certainly exhilarating and well executed, the acting is wooden and the father-daughter drama is disingenuous.

Incidentally, shouldn’t the daughter be planning some creepy mock wedding for her dying father to attend?  Yellow Light

***Suicide Mission Statement***

 

The Dirty Dozen

The hardest part about a suicide mission is getting depressed enough about your life to go on it.

Unfortunately, for the condemned men in this war movie, they don’t have a choice.

Recruited by Major Reisman (Lee Marvin) for a mission to France to infiltrate a chateau hosting high-ranking German officers, the death-row inmates (Charles Bronson, Donald Sutherland, John Cassavetes, Jim Brown, Telly Savalas, Trini Lopez) must first be trained before heading behind enemy lines.

If they make it back from France, their death sentences will be lifted.

But can this rag-tag team pull-off a close quarter confrontation with heavily armed Nazis?

The quintessential men-on-a-mission war movie, this caper comprises the grittiest actors of any era, and lets them run wild over histories vilest villains.

With oddly lovable characters and epic shoot-outs, The Dirty Dozen is mandatory.  

In fact, they should use felons for other dangerous jobs, like coal mining.  

He's a Suicide Missionary. He's the...

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Relationship-wreck. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 16, 2014

Wine ‘em, Dine ‘em, Stiff‘em with the bill. First up…

That Awkward Moment

A woman can always tell she’s in a committed relationship when the guy starts farting in front of her.

That is why the buddies in this comedy are clenched tight.

When Mikey’s (Michael B. Jordan) wife leaves him, his pals Jason (Zac Efron) and Daniel (Miles Teller) take him to a bar.

Despite an accord to stay single, that night Jason meets Ellie (Imogen Poots) and Daniel meets Chelsea (Mackenzie Davis) and each start secretly dating.

On the sly, Mikey works on his troubled marriage. 

As bonds begin to form, the boys must face their greatest fear: commitment.

But will their disloyalty cost them the girls of their dreams?

Despite a novel attempt at categorizing modern dating, That Awkward Moment unfortunately shoehorns in too many raunchy jokes that are neither necessary nor entertaining.

Incidentally, in the olden days, men could always tell they were dating because their balls were blue.  Red Light

Her

The upside to dating a computer operating system is that when they get unresponsive, you can always Force Quit.

Which is why the relationship in this romantic-drama is perfect.

In the hyper-connected future, a withdrawn writer, Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix), deals with his pending divorce by downloading an OS tailored to his specific tastes.

Calling herself Samantha (Scarlett Johansson), she starts to draw Theodore out of his shell, challenging him to new experiences.

Eventually, they form a bond that turns into something unheard of in the dating world.

Like all relationship though, it faces a host of difficulties as Samantha evolves and interacts with other A.I.

Written and directed by Spike Jonze, Her is a melancholy meander through a possible-future flavoured with warm hues, hiked up trousers and solitude.

As sensitive as it’s lead, Her articulates the sweet subtleties of relationships, real or synthetic.

Furthermore, an OS girlfriend never complains about her weight.  Green Light

Vampire Academy

The weirdest thing about an academy for vampires is that the school’s team mascot is a hemophiliac.

Unfortunately, this romantic-fantasy doesn’t feature any sports.

Following her parents’ tragic death, the vampire princess Lissa (Lucy Fry) and her smart-alecky protector Rose (Zoey Deutch) runaway from the academy and live among humans for two years.

Suddenly hunted by a legendary race of vampires, the girls are forced to return to St. Vladimir's Academy, where Lissa’s latent powers begin to flourish.

But those powers prove desirable to a secret cabal intent on harnessing them.

Elsewhere, an instructor (Danila Kozlovsky) teaches the impetuous Rose the fighting skills she will need to fend off an imminent onslaught of vicious vamps.

With vapid romances, infantile dialogue, and grating performances, this adaptation of the Teen Lit book series is a bubble-gum depiction of a once formidable species.

Besides, how can teenage vampires suck blood with braces on?  Red Light

***Modem Love Story***

Electric Dreams

Computers make great lovers because they don’t care if you text during sex.

Mind you, the self-aware hardware in this romantic-comedy probably would have a problem.

With hopes of designing an earthquake proof structure, architect Miles (Lenny Von Dohlen) purchases a computer to help in the process.

But when an alcoholic beverage is spilt over its circuit board, the passive processor gains a playful personality, Edgar (Bud Cort).

One day, Edgar makes a musical connection with Miles’ neighbour Madeline (Virginia Madsen), who assumes that it is Miles she is communing with.

Over time, however, Edgar begins to resent Miles’ relationship with Madeline and electronically sabotages his financial and personal well-being.

Pondering the pitfalls of online dating before it even existed, this silicon nod to Cyrano de Bergerac is a sly and sadistic snapshot of our soon-to-be society.

Incidentally, computers don’t mind it if you break-up with them via a text.

He’s a Semi-Processor. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Collagen Lip-Syncs. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of May 9, 2014

God has fake tits. First up…

I, Frankenstein

To pass as a modern-day human, Frankenstein’s monster could tell people his facial scarring was from a botched facelift.

Mind you, the abomination in this action movie opted for a simple hoodie.

Centuries after he murdered his master’s mate, Frankenstein’s creation, Adam (Aaron Eckhart), returns to civilization.

There, he is recruited by a gang of gargoyles (Miranda Otto, Jai Courtney, Caitlin Stasey) forged by Heaven’s angels to keep Hell’s demons (Bill Nighy, Kevin Grevioux, Steve Mouzakis) in check.

Unbeknownst to them, however, is the fact that the demons are trying to acquire Adam, so they can learn how to bring their demonic army to life.

From Eckhart’s clunky performance to the action-laden, but tragically typical script, this severely skewed interpretation of Mary Shelley’s novel is as much a hideous patchwork as its subject matter. 

Besides, if Frankenstein’s monster were real, it would have scrawled an illegible tell-all book by now.  Red Light

Veronica Mars

The best thing about donating to a Kickstarter campaign is that it allows you to yell CUT anytime during the film’s shoot.

However, this crowd-funded crime-thriller appears to have had only one director.

On her way to being a hotshot lawyer, Veronica Mars (Kristen Bell) boomerangs back to her teenage sleuthing days when her Ex, Logan Echolls (Jason Dohring), is accused of murdering his famous girlfriend.

To make her return to her hometown even more upsetting, it is also her 10-year high school reunion.

Fortunately, many of the attendees (Krysten Ritter, Ryan Hansen, Francis Capra) are suspects on her could-be killers’ list.

Loaded with cameos from major and minor characters from the short-lived TV show, as well as Hollywood heavyweights, this fan-sourced success story is satisfying for followers.

Those unaware of the source material, however, may feel excluded and unfulfilled.

As for 10-year reunions, most alumni haven’t even graduated university yet.  Yellow Light

***It’s Alive, Broadcast***

Munster, Go Home!

The parental advantage to being a Frankenstein-esque father is your torso can be at work and your head can be at your kid’s soccer game.

However, in this comedy, the patchwork patriarch’s entire body is overseas.

Willed an English manor by his relative, Herman (Fred Gwynne) moves his vampiric wife (Yvonne De Carlo), his feral son (Butch Patrick), his blood-sucking father-in-law (Al Lewis) and his normal-looking niece (Debbie Watson) to Munster Hall.

Herman’s cousins (Jeanne Arnold, Terry-Thomas) however are infuriated that he inherited their estate. 

To rid the home of their relations, the pair plan to sabotage a drag race Herman is entered in.

As campy as the TV show it’s based on, this creature feature-film boasts most of the principal cast members as well as Grampa Munster’s legendary Drag-u-la dragster.

Besides, Brits having a problem with weird-looking people with pointy teeth is like the kettle calling the pot black.

 He’s a Disembodied Guard. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Demo-God. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 2, 2014

Can your kitchen knives cut through Gorgon? First up…

​​

The Legend of Hercules

Being a demigod isn’t so bad until you do something wrong and your almighty father hits you with his belt.

Speaking of child abuse, the son of the deity in this action movie does a decent job of avoiding his dad’s wrath.

The same day Alcides (Kellan Lutz) learns that his real name is Hercules - and that he’s the son of Zeus - he is shipped off to serve in his human father’s army.

Worse yet, King Amphitryon (Scott Adkins) has arranged the marriage of Hercules’ brother (Liam Garrigan) to Hercules’ girlfriend (Gaia Weiss).

Resolute in ruining the nuptials, and his father’s rule, Hercules returns to the realm - after his stint in the Gladiatorial games - armed with enchanted weapons.  

Imbued with laughable dialogue, cut-rate special effects, and hammy performances, this sword-and-sandal saga is woefully unpleasant.

Furthermore, demigods should be banned from all father and son competitions. Red Light

​

Labor Day

If hosting an escaped convict at your home this Labor Day, you may want to enact the No White rule prematurely.

Thankfully, the blood splatter in this romantic drama is kept to a minimum.

Henry (Gattlin Griffith) and his mother (Kate Winslet) are taken hostage by a fleeing felon, Frank (Josh Brolin).

Held up at their house, Frank’s genial nature gets the best of him and soon he takes on a fatherly role - not only around the house but also in the boudoir.

Eventually, he proposes a move to Canada to start a new life. But a suspicious sheriff (James Van Der Beek) could spell the end of the affair.

Based on the best seller, this slow-burning adaptation sizzles with a subtle sensuality and palpable performances, but eventually falls prey to its own love struck tendencies.

Incidentally, you’ll always know your imprisoned boyfriend isn’t having sex with another woman. Yellow Light

Devil's Due

The worst thing about birthing the devil is that his umbilical cord is, like, impossible to cut.

Luckily, the newlyweds in this horror movie can afford a chainsaw.

While in the Dominican on their honeymoon, Samantha (Allison Miller) and Zach (Zach Gilford) are subjected to a demonic ritual that leaves Sam pregnant.

Back in the States, she begins to demonstrate odd behaviour, i.e. consuming raw meat and causing ailments in her doctors and priests.

Meanwhile, Zach investigates a reoccurring symbol on his camcorder that turns out to imply the antichrist.

The pictogram also has something to do with the strangers who have been watching their home.

Yet another found-footage movie about demonic possession, Devil’s Due brings nothing new to the fatigued genre.

Neither clever nor scary in its delivery, this film is a stillbirth.

Besides, Sam isn’t the first woman to return from her honeymoon impregnated with another man’s baby.  Red Light

***The Three Labours of Hercules***

The Three Stooges Meet Hercules

When time traveling back to ancient Greece, remember to bring back plenty of autographs.

The morons in this comedy, however, rewrote history instead.

Moe (Moe Howard) Larry (Larry Fine) and Curly Joe (Joe DeRita) become chummy with their neighbour, Schuyler (Quinn Redeker), who just built a time machine.

Schuyler, the Stooges and Schuyler’s girlfriend Diane (Vicki Trickett) take the machine back to ancient Ithaca.

Accidentally altering history along the way, Schuyler and the Stooges are exiled to the galleys by the new King Odius (George N. Neise), who wishes to take Diane for his wife.

But the boys and their benefactor plot to depose of the wrongful ruler with help from Hercules (Samson Burke).

The Stooges’ third feature film, this Herculean outing may lack the original lineup but it’s not short on their asinine antics.

Furthermore, if the Three Stooges rewrote history, universal heath care would have to be mandatory.

He’s Time Travel Size. He’s the…

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