Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Low-Hanging Fruitcake. He’s the …

Vidiot

Week of December 9, 2016

Giants were replaced by stepladders. First up…

 

The BFG

Finding a friendly giant is a rare feat; so make sure you safely capture it for financial gains.

Unfortunately, the orphan in this fantasy is the one who ends up being caught.

Nabbed in the middle of the night by the Big Friendly Giant (Mark Rylance) after she spots him scavenging London’s streets, Sophie (Ruby Barnhill) is carried off to Giant Country.

There she learns of a band of man-eating behemoths and devises a nightmare to send to the slumbering Queen of England (Penelope Wilton) to coax her into action against these monsters.

While it excels at setting a whimsical atmosphere and delivering astonishing special effects, Steven Spielberg’s animated live-action adaptation of Roald Dahl’s beloved children’s book, unfortunately, not only star’s one of the most annoying CGI characters, but is boring to boot.

Moreover, the Queen would only send British troops to Giant Country if she wanted to colonize it.  Red Light

 

The Secret Life of Pets

If our pets had secret lives than high-end pet food retailers would already be exploiting that market.

Nevertheless, this animated adventure maintains this clandestine claim.

When his owner adopts a mutt (Eric Stonestreet), Max (Louis C.K.) wants nothing more than to remove the mongrel from his home.

But while attempting to ditch him the pair become embroiled in a string of altercations involving Animal Control, a gang of unwanted pets and a plot to wipe out humanity implemented by a tyrannical rabbit (Kevin Hart).

Lacking the laughs and emotional oomph of the more prominent cartoon creations, this 3-D computer animated Indy tries to emulate all of the big studio earmarks - celebrity voices, maudlin moments and pop music medleys – but fails to reach any real consistency that makes you care about these critters. 

Incidentally, the only pets with real secret lives are those currently active on the dog fighting circuit.  Yellow Light

 

Jason Bourne

The hardest part of keeping a secret is getting all those people you told to keep quiet.

Wisely, the secret agent in this action movie has had amnesia up until now.

With the fog around his mind finally lifted, ex-CIA assassin and wanted man Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) finally resurfaces when an old friend (Julia Stiles) brings him Intel on his father – the architect of the clandestine Treadstone program.

Standing in the way of the truth, however, are privacy hackers, the new director of the CIA (Tommy Lee Jones) and a rival gunman (Vincent Cassel) looking to settle an old score.

The fifth in the series but fourth to feature Damon, this overdue sequel doesn’t live up to expectations. Sure the action sequences are on point, but Damon’s droopy demeanour and minimal dialogue have run their course.

Furthermore, it seems the only successful assassination technique the CIA has is old age.  Yellow Light

***Reunion Dues***

 

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All I Want for Christmas

The best present that divorced parents can give their children is remarrying millionaires.

Mind you, the siblings in this comedy would prefer their parents remarry each other.

Products of the 1990s separation boom, Manhattanites Ethan (Ethan Randall) and his sister Hallie (Thora Birch) only have one wish this Christmas: to trick their mother (Harley Jane Kozak) into falling back in love with their father (Jamey Sheridan).

But in order to implement a plan that will get rid of their mom’s new boyfriend (Kevin Nealon), they need the assistance of their grandmother (Lauren Bacall), Ethan’s crush (Amy Oberer) and Santa (Leslie Nielsen).

While the surprisingly funny script ventures into familiar reconciliation territory, this seasonal take on the subject is greatly benefitted by its snappy dialogue and resplendent setting – even if it does set unrealistic expectations.

Moreover, if you want to really reunite your separated parents over the holidays just fake cancer.

He has Goodwill Power. He’s the….

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Bonfire Eater. He’s the….

Vidiot

Week of December 2, 2016

Pioneers didn’t care about their hair reeking of campfire. First up…

 

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Pete’s Dragon

When your best friend is a dragon opening a crematory wouldn’t be such a bad business venture.

However, the preteen in this fantasy might not be ready to handle corpses just yet.

Raised by the fire-breathing Elliot after being deserted in the woods, Pete (Oakes Fegley) makes his first contact with humanity in 5 years.

Adopted by a conservation officer (Bryce Dallas Howard), her boyfriend (Wes Bentley) and her father (Robert Redford), Pete finally finds the family he’s fantasized about. But when a hunter (Karl Urban) gets wind of Elliot, Pete’s pal becomes a prized bounty.

Surprisingly darker than the original 1977 musical, this socially aware remake does happen to feature far superior special effects to its cartoon counterpart. However, those technological advances aren’t enough to imbue the furry CGI lead with any personality.  

Furthermore, now the woods are going to be crawling with barren women desperate to adopt feral children.  Red Light

 

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Don’t Breathe

The most dangerous aspect of a blind person’s house is their chaotically arranged furniture.

Which is why the burglars in this thriller shouldn’t walk around in the dark.

Hard up for cash after a deal goes south, Detroit hoods Rocky (Jane Levy), Money (Daniel Zovatto) and Alex (Dylan Minnette) decide to break into the residence of a blind vet (Stephen Lang) who has a large legal settlement stowed away inside.

However, the home invasion turns into murder when the sightless occupant begins offing the intruders to keep them from discovering what he has confined in his basement.

Enriched by a number of narrative twists, Don’t Breathe does a decent job of keeping up the tension and delivering the thrills. While some scenes can be construed as comical, the end result is a satisfying nail-biter.

Incidentally, blind people think that someone is in their house every time the TV is on.  Green Light

***Blind Man’s Buffett***

 

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Wait Until Dark

Since sunlight doesn’t matter to them, blind people should only work nightshifts.

Fortunately, the blind woman in this thriller doesn’t have a day job to worry about losing.

When a drug mule stashes an antique doll filled with heroin on her husband (Efrem Zimbalist Jr.) during his flight home, sightless Susy (Audrey Hepburn) becomes the unwilling victim to the thugs (Alan Arkin, Richard Crenna, Jack Weston) who come to her apartment looking for it.

In order to best the burglars, Susy exploits what remaining faculties she has by grabbing a kitchen knife and cutting all power to her place.

With a top tier cast, a slow-burner script adapted from the Broadway production and a gripping score courtesy of Henry Mancini, Wait Until Dark is a testament to the resilience of both women and the disable. 

Lastly, if you can’t steal from a blind woman maybe you shouldn’t be a criminal.

He’s Primary Colourblind. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He has an Adhering Problem. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 25, 2016

Always remember to follow-through when giving up. First up…

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War Dogs

The worst thing about war profiteering is that the ghosts of your victims haunt your money.

Luckily, possessed Benjamins don’t deter the amoral marketers in this dramedy.

Following a string of dead-end jobs, David Packouz (Miles Teller) decides to take his old high school buddy Efraim Diveroli (Jonah Hill) up on his offer to help him sell small shipments of firearms to the US war effort in Iraq.

But when the deals start getting dangerous, then downright illegal, David’s conscience and pregnant wife (Ana de Armas) start to influence his decisions.

A highly fictionalized adaptation of an investigative article later elongated into a bestseller, War Dogs embraces its dramatized narrative for the sake of light entertainment. And while the leads do work while together, their puerile antics slight the gravity of the film’s context.

Incidentally, it’s surprising that two Americans did all this work without having to outsource to India.  Yellow Light

Mechanic: Resurrection

Before you go and resurrect a retired mechanic remember that there’s a huge service fee attached.

Auspiciously, the fixer in this action movie is being blackmailed out of retirement.

Living the good life under an assumed name, former hitman Bishop (Jason Statham) is lured back into action by Gina (Jessica Alba), a distraught woman that he falls head-over-heels for.

Forced by Bishop’s old training buddy Crain (Sam Hazeldine) to seduce his adversary, Gina is now being held hostage by Crain until Bishop completes three complicated kills for him that will take him around the globe, and to the brink of danger.

While it does come equipped with some spectacular action sequences, this unnecessary sequel to the middling 2011 remake of the Charles Bronson original doesn’t have the acting quality or engaging storyline to warrant a closer inspection. 

Besides, everybody already knows that hire guns and Pop Diva’s never stay retired. Red Light

***Bullet Wholesale***

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Mr. Majestyk

You should never piss off a farmer because they exact revenge very early in the morning.

Unfortunately, the hitman in this action movie went and done it anyway.

All ex-Army Ranger turned watermelon farmer Vince Majestyk (Charles Bronson) wants to do is bring in his harvest. A local hood, however, wants Majestyk to employ his lazy workers over Mexican migrants to perform this task.

Their disagreement lands Majestyk in lockup where he gets entangled with a button-man (Al Lettieri) plotting a prison break. The melon farmer hopes to leverage this info towards saving his crop. But doing so makes him a marked man.

A role tailored made for Bronson’s brand of cool bravado, this skillfully directed adaptation of crime novelist Elmore Leonard’s book has a real sense of grit and realism to it that most angry veteran movies lack.

Moreover, melon farming sounds way more titillating than it actually is.

He gets Two Green Thumbs Down. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a United Affront. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of November 18, 2016

D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me. First up….

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Finding Dory

The last place your child wants to find Dory is in his or her Filet-O-Fish sandwich.

Luckily, the forgetful fish in this animated-adventure is poisonous to humans.

When a school activity elicits a memory in the absentminded Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), the regal blue tang and her adopted family (Albert Brooks, Hayden Rolence) head out in search of Dory's parents (Diane Keaton, Eugene Levy).

But when she becomes separated from her friends, Dory must get assistance from some new ones: an injured octopus (Ed O'Neill) and a concussed beluga (Ty Burrell).

Despite arriving 13-years after the original, this Pixar sequel doesn't miss a beat, delivering the studio's brand of poignant storytelling, engaging characters and off kilter humor years on. The biggest change, however, has to do with the bounds and leaps made in the animation process.

Furthermore, all those clownfish flushed down the toilet in 2004 will finally have new friends.  Green Light

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Kubo and the Two Strings

The saddest thing about Japanese zoos is that the monkeys are usually cursed royalty.

And while the ape in this animated-adventure isn't a prince, he was born from magic.

Sent by his mother to retrieve his missing father's suit of armour so he can be protected from his evil aunt (Rooney Mara), Kubo (Art Parkinson) is accompanied on his quest by a monkey (Charlize Theron) and a cursed man-beetle (Matthew McConaughey) with amnesia.

Together they must thwart Kubo's grandfather (Ralph Fiennes), who wants to turn his grandson into an immortal by stealing Kudo's last good eye.

More mythical than most western animated features, Kubo musters enough eye-popping animation and spirited storytelling to put those sing-along cartoons to shame. Able to entertain adults and children alike, Kubo captures your attention from the get-go and never relents.

Moreover, it's nice to see a Japanese cartoon where the father isn't just a tentacle.  Green Light

***Assault Water***

Gyo: Tokyo Fish Attack!

The reason why fish don’t speak is they would drown every time they tried.

Although verbal evolution is far-off, this anime confirms upward mobility is not.

Graduates Aki, Erika and Kaori head to the seashore to celebrate their recent liberation from the classroom only to discover a freakish fish on the beach that has grown a pair of motorized legs.

More ambulatory vertebrates soon appear on land, including a Great White Shark that stalks the sidewalks for its next meal.

Time reveals the military’s involvement in creating a self-perpetuating mechanism propelled by the death stench of its victims. 

The most bizarre aquatic tale to ever surface, this acutely drawn anime inspired by the multi-volume horror manga fails to deliver the unnerving scares of its muse, but it does feature the key moments that comprise its greatness.

Incidentally, once they can ride a bike, these biped fish will dominate the Ironman Triathlon.

He’s a Jellyfish Stick. He’s the…

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