Be Kind, Please Rewind

He's a Mismatch Maker. He’s the…

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Week of May 13, 2011

How is it so easy for the Internet to meet singles? First up…

Blue Valentine

Here is some helpful dating advice: When your valentine begins to turn blue, it means that you are hugging them way too hard.

Unfortunately, the male counterpart in this drama has to relinquish more than just his embrace around his despondent wife.

While their courtship was passionate, once Cindy (Michelle Williams) and Dean (Ryan Gosling) got married and had a daughter they grew distant.

That distance then begets resentment subsequent to Cindy’s encounter with an ex-boyfriend at the supermarket.

Given a glimpse of her possible future, she begins to ponder her present, specifically the lack of love she feels towards the man raising her child.

By skipping back and fourth along the relationship’s timeline, this convoluted and jarring love story is permitted to reach full bloom, whilst in total retrograde.

Now, if I could only travel backwards along my own romantic timeline to before my wife cut my penis off.  0

No Strings Attached

If there is no string attached, you must seek immediate medical attention, or you could suffer toxic shock.

Oops! Apparently, this is a romantic-comedy about two acquaintances deciding to engage in a sexual relationship sans emotions, and not a how-to on proper tampon remove.

After discovering his father is dating his ex, Adam (Ashton Kutcher) goes into a spiral.

While corkscrewing his way to the bottom, he’s reintroduced to a childhood crush, Emma (Natalie Portman).

Unwilling to date, Emma does agree to become his bed buddy – insisting that they call it off once one of them develops feelings for the other.

Needles to say, it’s not long until one reneges on their promise.

What might have been a sardonic statement on a seedy sexual scenario is instead a flatlinning facsimile of every other cliché-ridden rom-com.

Besides, there is more to relationships than just sex - there are also the loud arguments.  0

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

The best part about being a child star is that when you’re older you can sell your teeth online.

Fortunately, the teen idol in this musical/documentary/commercial has not got to that stage in his career, as of yet.

With only days to go before his sold-out concert at Madison Square Gardens, singer/dancer Justin Bieber begins to loose his voice after a play-date with his old friends.

Meanwhile, the young performer’s life is recounted via home videos and Youtube clips of him singing on Canadian street corners.

Eventually, Justin’s past and present biographies converge on stage, where rabid fans bare witness to Justin’s My World Tour - featuring Ludacris and Sean Kingston.

Pre-packaged for the tween market, this 3-D biography/concert will enrage his detractors, but appease his admirers.

What’s more, it’s proof that contacting a young boy that you saw on the Internet, whom you’ll later exploit for profit, isn’t creepy.  0

***American Midols***

From Justin to Kelly

The cost-effective basis behind movies starring flavours of the month is that the running time is only 15 minutes.

Unfortunately, this 2003 romantic/musical/comedy featuring the winner and runner-up of American Idol bucks the trend.

While on spring break with her girlfriends, Kelly (Kelly Clarkson) meets Justin (Justin Guarini), a fellow spring breaker who is likewise accompanied by his boys.

Needles to say, the reality star-crossed lovers are brought together, before being torn apart, and brought back together.

The whole time, Justin and Kelly’s crews create mischief, when they're not joining the leads in choreographed song and dance.

While it pretends to pay homage to hep beach party musicals, Justin and Kelly are complete squares: their songs are forgettable, their acting is incompetent and their dance routines are substandard.

Maybe the producers of American Idol should’ve gone with their guts, and instead of Florida, set spring break in a Coca-Cola factory.

He’s a Shame Whore. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Gel Masked Man. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 6, 2011

I cannot keep a secret identity. First up…

The Green Hornet

The reason why most crime-fighters are billionaires is because blue-collar vigilantes can’t afford vehicle, boat, and jet-powered hang-glider insurance.

Thankfully for the masked man in this action/adventure, his alter ego can incur the cost of underwriting automotive law-upholding aides.

After the death of his father, spoiled playboy Britt (Seth Rogan) assumes the mantle of master-criminal Green Hornet and infiltrates the city’s underworld, which is run by the self-conscience criminal Chudnofsky (Christoph Waltz).

Armed with an arsenal amassed by his father’s servant Kato (Jay Chou), Britt unearths an affiliation between city hall and Chudnofsky.

Inspired by the 1930s radio program, this reinvention plays the ludicrous source material as a comedy, with great results: the action is artistic, the jokes are amiable and the story is refreshing.

What's more, as a constantly battered vigilante, if you have a sidekick, you are never too far from a fresh supply of blood and/or organs.  0

The Dilemma

If you ever discover that your best friend’s wife is cheating on him, get her to bring your wife along next time, so that you can hangout with your buddy.

Unfortunately, the pal privy to the amorality of his chum’s chick in this comedy handles the information the wrong way.

While scouting the botanical gardens for his pending proposal, Ronny (Vince Vaughn) spots Geneva (Winona Ryder), the wife of his best friend Nick (Kevin James), kissing another man (Channing Tatum).

Displeased by this discovery, Ronny begins a campaign to expose Geneva. However, she tells Ronny that if he tells Nick anything, she will inform him about her and Ronny's shared past.

Touted as a comedy, The Dilemma delves into dark territory quickly, and stays there. That misdirection, paired with Vaughn’s standard smug shtick, manufactures an unmemorable mess.

Besides, the only appropriate action for this type of dilemma is extortion.  0

***Side-Kicking Ass***

Doc Savage: The Man of Bronze

To receive a descriptor like: The Man of Bronze one would either have to be an inferior athlete, or neglect to properly bribe the IOC officials.

And though the Adonis in this action/adventure has the attributes of an Olympian, the alloy in reference is not to an award but to his epidermis.

Subsequent to his father’s murder, an assassination attempt is made on Doc Savage (Ron Ely), a brainy, brawny, billionaire, who unknowingly has his father’s land claim to a city of gold in his possession.

Aided by an eclectic quintet of sidekicks, Doc heads to the Mayan jungle to stop an evil sea captain and The Green Death from procuring his father's bullion.

Campy to the core but thrilling through-and-through, visionary producer George Pal brings the iconic 1930s pulp character and his cohorts to vivid life.

Unfortunately, with 5 sidekicks, you have to attach 5 sidecars to your motorcycle. 

He’s The Man of Pewter. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Succession Story. He’s the…

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Week of April 22, 2011

Queen Elizabeth II is a clone of the original. First up…

The King’s Speech

Oh, great! A British king is about to speak, now I’m going to need a Cockney slang to lucid English dictionary.

And while the articulating monarch in this drama ain’t ‘aving a giraffe, his North and South is all out of sorts.

Following a public decree, where he stumbled over his words, Prince Albert (Colin Firth), on the behest of his wife Elizabeth (Helena Bonham Carter), seeks the aid of an experimental speech therapist, Lionel (Geoffrey Rush), in an attempt to alleviate his speech impediment.

Apprehensive with the unorthodox treatment at first, when he ascends to the throne of England, Albert finds remedy in his friend’s madness, as well as a secret past.

Though a superlative cast graces it, this recounting of actual events is nothing but a pretentious factoid prolonged into a humdrum historical recollection.

And while a stuttering king is startling, it’s not as shocking as a lisping queen.  0

Gulliver’s Travels

While traveling, the easiest way to verbally communicate with locals–no matter the dialect–is to verbalize in the King’s English at a much slower, voluminous tone.

Fortunately, the peripatetic person in this comedy awoke in an English-speaking kingdom.

While on assignment in the Bermuda Triangle, posing as a travel journalist to impress a colleague (Amanda Peet), Gulliver (Jack Black) shipwrecks on the island of Lilliput.

A giant amongst the microscopic inhabitants, Gulliver’s enslaved and put to work. But when he saves the king (Billy Connolly), he is canonized as a hero.

Now, he must unite a prisoner (Jason Segel) with his love (Emily Blunt), and do battle against an oversized robot.

A crude, modernized version vaguely resembling its classic literary inspiration, Gulliver’s Travels is a grossly conceived farce that lacks decency and humour.

Besides, the only sailors getting lost out at sea nowadays are overachieving teenagers with rich parents.  0

***Carried Away with Words***

Speechless

Being a speechwriter must be very erotic, since you have to imagine your audience not wearing any clothes.

However, the only people that the speechwriters in this romantic-comedy want to see nude are each other.

Two insomniac writers, Kevin (Michael Keaton) and Julia (Geena Davis), form a sexual relationship during sleepless nights at an all-night diner.

Solidifying their relationship based on the knowledge that each other is in the writing profession, both are later stunned when they find out that they are being pitted against each other on either side of a heated political battle.

Matters are made worse when Julia’s old flame, a hotshot war correspondent (Christopher Reeve), returns.

A sharply written love story that encompasses two strange bedfellows, Speechless delivers both bipartisan belly laughs and relevant musings on working relationships.

And while dating a rival speechwriter sounds hot, flirting through the elderly male candidates could get awkward.

He’s a Figure of Speechwriter. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Fable Dancer. He’s the…

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Week of April 14, 2011

Gorgon’s Wild! First up…

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Entering other realms via wall art could be a thought-provoking experience – so long as the artist isn’t Michael Godard.

Thankfully, the painting the three minors in this action-adventure crawl through doesn’t depict any guitar-wielding olives.

As the war effort continues, siblings Lucy (Georgie Henley) and Edmund (Skandar Keynes) go to live with their cousin Eustace (Will Poulter).

There, the cousins are transported to Narnia, courtesy of a seascape painting on the wall of Lucy’s bedroom.

Boarding a vessel helmed by Prince Caspian (Ben Barnes), the three make themselves useful by assisting the crew in their search for the missing Lords of Narnia.

While it does feature a menacing sea-creature, this third installment of the fantasy franchise is laden with a dull storyline, annoying characters, and Christian propaganda. 

In fact, due to Narnia, kids perception of Christ is now a talking lion that crawls down their chimney and lays cream-filled eggs.  0

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1

While most teen mages are binge drinking potions and experimenting with hex, the sophomoric sorcerer in this fantasy film is more concerned with retrieving magical trinkets.

With Lord Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) and his cronies (Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman, Tom Felton) on their trail, Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe), Ron (Rupert Grint) and Hermione (Emma Watson) embark on a quest for Voldemort’s fragmented soul.

En route, they unearth a fairy tale that speaks to three enchanted items that could turn the tide in their battle against evil: the Elder Wand, the Resurrection Stone and the Cloak of Invisibility.

The first half of the seventh and final installment of the Harry Potter franchise, Deathly Hallows is the most rewarding: the pacing is precipitate, the action is amplified and the relationships are thrown through the wringer.

Nevertheless, conjuring up a sequel inside of an existing sequel is the mischievous handiwork of marketing witchcraft.  0

Country Strong

The uncanny strength of country folk is usually due to the genetic grouping of fetal moonshine syndrome and livestock ejaculate.

Unfortunately, the country girl in this drama wasn’t the result of a drunken night in the barn, so she lacks the sturdiness of her kinfolk.

Embarking on her first tour since rehab, songstress Kelly (Gwenyth Paltrow) petitions her manager/husband James (Tim McGraw) to sign her sponsor/lover Beau (Garrett Hedlund) as her opening act.

However, her husband has promised that spot to Chiles (Leighton Meester), a beauty queen-cum-country singer.

While James agrees to enlist both acts, Kelly’s lack of sobriety threatens her potential comeback and Beau’s aspirations.

An ode to, and critique of, country music, Country Strong is a melodramatic mess, punctuated by cheesy dialogue, and derisory plot devices.

And while female country singers have beautified the genre, they’ve also proven that country music can be just as vapid as pop music.  0

***Finger Pickin' Good***

Pure Country

The reason country music is so accepted amongst the lowly ranks is because the number of strings on an acoustic guitar is the highest number that fans can count to.

However, it’s not his followers’ idiocy that drives the singer in this drama to abandon his stage act.

While on tour, a country star, Dusty (George Strait), frustrated with the commercialization of the industry, decides to walk away from his overblown stage show.

Later, a local farm girl (Lesley Ann Warren) helps Dusty get reacquainted with his rural beginnings, and, in turn, he helps save her ranch.

A hokey honky tonk tale accompanied by toe-tapping ditties, Pure Country distills the genre down to its purest form and embraces it.

And while a lot of country music fans would like to see the genre return to its Southern roots, it’s unlikely that radio stations will start playing anti-Yankee and pro-slavery songs.

He’s a Raunch Hand. He’s the…

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He’s an Adventure Capitalist. He’s the…

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Week of April 8, 2011

Airplanes seldom pick up hitchhikers. First up…

TRON: Legacy

For a father and son, online gaming can be a very bonding experience. That is, unless of course they both fall in love with the same cyclops.

Luckily, the father and son in this sci-fi sequel don’t share a penchant for mythological characters – only binary based ones.

Years after his father (Jeff Bridges) disappeared, Sam (Garrett Hedlund) receives a mysterious page from him.

Directed to an old arcade, he locates the old man’s computer laboratory and transports himself into a virtual world designed by his father.

Once on the grid, Sam and a local (Olivia Wilde) must prevent an evil replicate of his dad from bringing the virtual world into the real one.

With audiences finally able to comprehend TRON's cyber-world, Legacy is a welcome audio and visual achievement that is more accessible than its 1982 predecessor. 

That’s because, back then, people didn’t really want to live inside of a computer.  0

Little Fockers

One of the few perks to starting a family is that you can now commandeer sidewalks with your doublewide baby stroller.

And while the father in this comedy isn’t struggling to get a monstrous baby carriage through a doorway, he is facing family difficulties.

After suffering a heart attack, Jack (Robert De Niro) decides to appoint his hapless son-in-law Greg (Ben Stiller) as his successor as head of the family – but not without first scrutinizing his every action.

Following Greg as he rendezvouses with an erectile dysfunction pill representative (Jessica Alba), Jack later deduces that Greg is cheating and sets out to expose him.

With unfunny performances and a juvenile script to boot, this second sequel in the Meet the Parents franchise wears the premise of a disapproving father-in-law and a bumbling son-in-law down to a nub.

Besides, everyone knows that the real head of modern households are the pampered brats. 0

***Endangered Subspecies***

The Last Starfighter

For most video game enthusiasts, the only enemy that they will ever have to really overcome is harsh reality.

For the gamer in this sci-fi movie, however, his 8-bit obsession is part of a larger plan to protect the universe from an alien invasion.

After he gets the highest score on the Last Starfighter arcade game, Alex (Lance Guest) is recruited by its designer (Robert Preston) and escorted to the planet of Rylos, where he begins to train as a real Starfighter.

With the Ko-Dan Armada closing in on Rylos’ defensive shields, it’s now up to Alex and his reptilian co-pilot (Dan O'Herlihy) to save the civilized planets.

An awesome arrangement of video game mythos and groundbreaking special effects, this 1984 space-adventure was light-years ahead of its time.

Fortunately, video game premises have advanced beyond simple intergalactic campaigns. Nowadays, users can do otherworldly things like feign musicianship or farm vegetables.

He’s an Arcane Game. He’s the…

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Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Over Re-enactor. He’s the…

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Week of April 1, 2011

Male leads never ask for stage directions. First up…

Black Swan

To stretch arts funding even further, it should be required that all ballet dancers must vomit into the mouths of opera singers.

Unfortunately, the ballerina in this thriller is too busy stalking the lead in Swan Lake to regurgitate anything.

Nina (Natalie Portman), an aspiring dancer following in her mother’s (Barbara Hershey) tiptoes, vies for the duel lead role of the Swan Queen.

Informed by the director (Vincent Cassel) that she lacks the seductive quality to play the Black Swan, Nina sets out to prove him wrong by exploring her sexuality with a fellow dancer, Lily (Mila Kunis).

But when the director casts Lily as her understudy, Nina becomes suspicious of her friend.

As per its subject matter, Black Swan is highbrow entertainment – a perfect paradigm of a psychological breakdown. Filled with pathos and paranoia, it plays to its theatrical backdrop masterfully.

Plus, there’s nary a Ballerino to be found.  0

Tangled

If you have extremely long hair and wish to avoid being stared at, simply roll it up into a stylish turban.

Unfortunately, it’s unlikely that the hirsute princess in this Disney cartoon is supposed to appear Sikh.

Blessed with lengthy, strains of golden hair that can prolong life, Rapunzel (Mandy Moore) is promptly nabbed by an aging witch.

Raised as her captor’s daughter, Rapunzel spends 18 years locked in a tower with only her pet chameleon to converse with. That is until, the rakish rogue Flynn Rider (Zachary Levi) lands on her doorstep.

Blackmailing Flynn into escorting her to the palace, Rapunzel gets her first taste of the outside world, and all its perils.

By modernizing the character, her powers, and her purpose, Tangled takes the famed fable beyond its lofty confines, while adhering to standard Disney song and dance.

Although, I do hope that Rapunzel’s carpet doesn’t match her drapes. 0

The Tourist  

The simplest way to spot a tourist is to look for anyone who actually cares where your national parks, museums and historical forts are.

Unfortunately, the shots that the tourist in this thriller takes are not of the camera variety.

Frank (Johnny Depp) is an American abroad, whose life in through into jeopardy when he meets a strange woman, Elise (Angelina Jolie), aboard a train to Venice.

Instructed by her criminal boyfriend Alexander to find a lookalike of him in order to throw off Scotland Yard, Elise chooses the bookish Frank.

Observing Elise’s every move, the ardent agent Acheson (Paul Bettany) now believes that Frank is Alexander and sets out to capture him.

With a half-baked script that’s an amalgamation of ham-fisted intrigue, passionless romance and second-rate action, this Americanized remake should be deported back to its home country.

Furthermore, to really vanish in Venice, dress as a gondolier.  0

Yogi Bear

The worst thing about having talking bears in a forest is that every time there’s a fire, you have to listen to them scream for help.

Fortunately, the forest in this live-action/animated feature only has one vociferous omnivore in it.

Not only able to speak but ingeniously invent picnic-basket stealing machines as well, Yogi Bear (Dan Aykroyd) and his buddy Boo Boo (Justin Timberlake) are asked by Ranger Smith (Tom Cavanagh) to help preserve Jellystone Park from an evil politician (Andrew Daly) determined to sell off the logging rights.

Meanwhile, a naturalist (Anna Faris) discovers an endangered turtle, which Ranger Jones (T. J. Miller) steals in order to sabotage Smith’s attempt to save Jellystone.

Based on the Hanna-Barbera cartoon, Yogi Bear contains the same revelry of the retro characters. That, along with a simplistic plot and goofy humour makes it bearable.

Furthermore, it may increase park attendance and bear maulings.  0

Skyline

When one looks to the Los Angeles skyline, they usually wonder: Where is the Los Angeles skyline? I can’t see it through the smog.

Luckily, the armada of alien aircraft crowding the horizon in this sci-fi movie is not hard to miss.

In L.A. visiting a friend (Donald Faison), Jarrod (Eric Balfour) wakes one morning to learn that his girlfriend (Scottie Thompson) is pregnant and that the world has been invaded.

Stunned on both counts, he insures his kid’s future by resisting.

Noting that the aliens don’t hover above water, Jarrod insists that they get to his friend’s yacht.

But with hypnotic blue lights sucking people into the sky and monstrous sentinels stalking humans, setting sails will be difficult.

While the beginning is tepid and hokey, the ending is exhilarating and unexpected.

What’s more, maybe this massive influx of aliens will pay taxes and help California get out of debt.  0 

***Spot Lightening***

Center Stage

The main difference between attending ballet school and public school is that at ballet school they encourage you to sleep with your teacher to get ahead.

A fact at least one student in this drama proves.

With only a few openings for the prestigious ballet academy workshop, a group of aspiring dancers (Zoe Saldana, Susan May Pratt, Amanda Schull) compete against one another and themselves for the coveted positions.

Meanwhile, there is a power struggle between the troupe’s current choreographer Jonathon (Peter Gallagher) and Cooper (Ethan Stiefel), the lead dancer looking to replace him.

Tackling the commonplace concerns facing ballet dancers, from eating disorders to complex love triangles that can only be explained through exaggerated movements, Center Stage is a realistic yet ridiculous look at the cutthroat art form.

Besides, wouldn’t sex with a ballerina have to involve 5 additional ballerinas, just to make it feel like there’s someone else there?

He Pirouette’s the Bed. He’s the…

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