He’s a Fable Dancer. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of April 14, 2011
Gorgon’s Wild! First up…
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Entering other realms via wall art could be a thought-provoking experience – so long as the artist isn’t Michael Godard.
Thankfully, the painting the three minors in this action-adventure crawl through doesn’t depict any guitar-wielding olives.
As the war effort continues, siblings Lucy (Georgie Henley) and Edmund (Skandar Keynes) go to live with their cousin Eustace (Will Poulter).
There, the cousins are transported to Narnia, courtesy of a seascape painting on the wall of Lucy’s bedroom.
Boarding a vessel helmed by Prince Caspian (Ben Barnes), the three make themselves useful by assisting the crew in their search for the missing Lords of Narnia.
While it does feature a menacing sea-creature, this third installment of the fantasy franchise is laden with a dull storyline, annoying characters, and Christian propaganda.
In fact, due to Narnia, kids perception of Christ is now a talking lion that crawls down their chimney and lays cream-filled eggs. 0
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
While most teen mages are binge drinking potions and experimenting with hex, the sophomoric sorcerer in this fantasy film is more concerned with retrieving magical trinkets.
With Lord Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes) and his cronies (Helena Bonham Carter, Alan Rickman, Tom Felton) on their trail, Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe), Ron (Rupert Grint) and Hermione (Emma Watson) embark on a quest for Voldemort’s fragmented soul.
En route, they unearth a fairy tale that speaks to three enchanted items that could turn the tide in their battle against evil: the Elder Wand, the Resurrection Stone and the Cloak of Invisibility.
The first half of the seventh and final installment of the Harry Potter franchise, Deathly Hallows is the most rewarding: the pacing is precipitate, the action is amplified and the relationships are thrown through the wringer.
Nevertheless, conjuring up a sequel inside of an existing sequel is the mischievous handiwork of marketing witchcraft. 0
Country Strong
The uncanny strength of country folk is usually due to the genetic grouping of fetal moonshine syndrome and livestock ejaculate.
Unfortunately, the country girl in this drama wasn’t the result of a drunken night in the barn, so she lacks the sturdiness of her kinfolk.
Embarking on her first tour since rehab, songstress Kelly (Gwenyth Paltrow) petitions her manager/husband James (Tim McGraw) to sign her sponsor/lover Beau (Garrett Hedlund) as her opening act.
However, her husband has promised that spot to Chiles (Leighton Meester), a beauty queen-cum-country singer.
While James agrees to enlist both acts, Kelly’s lack of sobriety threatens her potential comeback and Beau’s aspirations.
An ode to, and critique of, country music, Country Strong is a melodramatic mess, punctuated by cheesy dialogue, and derisory plot devices.
And while female country singers have beautified the genre, they’ve also proven that country music can be just as vapid as pop music. 0
***Finger Pickin' Good***
Pure Country
The reason country music is so accepted amongst the lowly ranks is because the number of strings on an acoustic guitar is the highest number that fans can count to.
However, it’s not his followers’ idiocy that drives the singer in this drama to abandon his stage act.
While on tour, a country star, Dusty (George Strait), frustrated with the commercialization of the industry, decides to walk away from his overblown stage show.
Later, a local farm girl (Lesley Ann Warren) helps Dusty get reacquainted with his rural beginnings, and, in turn, he helps save her ranch.
A hokey honky tonk tale accompanied by toe-tapping ditties, Pure Country distills the genre down to its purest form and embraces it.
And while a lot of country music fans would like to see the genre return to its Southern roots, it’s unlikely that radio stations will start playing anti-Yankee and pro-slavery songs.
He’s a Raunch Hand. He’s the…
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