Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Over Re-enactor. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of April 1, 2011

Male leads never ask for stage directions. First up…

Black Swan

To stretch arts funding even further, it should be required that all ballet dancers must vomit into the mouths of opera singers.

Unfortunately, the ballerina in this thriller is too busy stalking the lead in Swan Lake to regurgitate anything.

Nina (Natalie Portman), an aspiring dancer following in her mother’s (Barbara Hershey) tiptoes, vies for the duel lead role of the Swan Queen.

Informed by the director (Vincent Cassel) that she lacks the seductive quality to play the Black Swan, Nina sets out to prove him wrong by exploring her sexuality with a fellow dancer, Lily (Mila Kunis).

But when the director casts Lily as her understudy, Nina becomes suspicious of her friend.

As per its subject matter, Black Swan is highbrow entertainment – a perfect paradigm of a psychological breakdown. Filled with pathos and paranoia, it plays to its theatrical backdrop masterfully.

Plus, there’s nary a Ballerino to be found.  0

Tangled

If you have extremely long hair and wish to avoid being stared at, simply roll it up into a stylish turban.

Unfortunately, it’s unlikely that the hirsute princess in this Disney cartoon is supposed to appear Sikh.

Blessed with lengthy, strains of golden hair that can prolong life, Rapunzel (Mandy Moore) is promptly nabbed by an aging witch.

Raised as her captor’s daughter, Rapunzel spends 18 years locked in a tower with only her pet chameleon to converse with. That is until, the rakish rogue Flynn Rider (Zachary Levi) lands on her doorstep.

Blackmailing Flynn into escorting her to the palace, Rapunzel gets her first taste of the outside world, and all its perils.

By modernizing the character, her powers, and her purpose, Tangled takes the famed fable beyond its lofty confines, while adhering to standard Disney song and dance.

Although, I do hope that Rapunzel’s carpet doesn’t match her drapes. 0

The Tourist  

The simplest way to spot a tourist is to look for anyone who actually cares where your national parks, museums and historical forts are.

Unfortunately, the shots that the tourist in this thriller takes are not of the camera variety.

Frank (Johnny Depp) is an American abroad, whose life in through into jeopardy when he meets a strange woman, Elise (Angelina Jolie), aboard a train to Venice.

Instructed by her criminal boyfriend Alexander to find a lookalike of him in order to throw off Scotland Yard, Elise chooses the bookish Frank.

Observing Elise’s every move, the ardent agent Acheson (Paul Bettany) now believes that Frank is Alexander and sets out to capture him.

With a half-baked script that’s an amalgamation of ham-fisted intrigue, passionless romance and second-rate action, this Americanized remake should be deported back to its home country.

Furthermore, to really vanish in Venice, dress as a gondolier.  0

Yogi Bear

The worst thing about having talking bears in a forest is that every time there’s a fire, you have to listen to them scream for help.

Fortunately, the forest in this live-action/animated feature only has one vociferous omnivore in it.

Not only able to speak but ingeniously invent picnic-basket stealing machines as well, Yogi Bear (Dan Aykroyd) and his buddy Boo Boo (Justin Timberlake) are asked by Ranger Smith (Tom Cavanagh) to help preserve Jellystone Park from an evil politician (Andrew Daly) determined to sell off the logging rights.

Meanwhile, a naturalist (Anna Faris) discovers an endangered turtle, which Ranger Jones (T. J. Miller) steals in order to sabotage Smith’s attempt to save Jellystone.

Based on the Hanna-Barbera cartoon, Yogi Bear contains the same revelry of the retro characters. That, along with a simplistic plot and goofy humour makes it bearable.

Furthermore, it may increase park attendance and bear maulings.  0

Skyline

When one looks to the Los Angeles skyline, they usually wonder: Where is the Los Angeles skyline? I can’t see it through the smog.

Luckily, the armada of alien aircraft crowding the horizon in this sci-fi movie is not hard to miss.

In L.A. visiting a friend (Donald Faison), Jarrod (Eric Balfour) wakes one morning to learn that his girlfriend (Scottie Thompson) is pregnant and that the world has been invaded.

Stunned on both counts, he insures his kid’s future by resisting.

Noting that the aliens don’t hover above water, Jarrod insists that they get to his friend’s yacht.

But with hypnotic blue lights sucking people into the sky and monstrous sentinels stalking humans, setting sails will be difficult.

While the beginning is tepid and hokey, the ending is exhilarating and unexpected.

What’s more, maybe this massive influx of aliens will pay taxes and help California get out of debt.  0 

***Spot Lightening***

Center Stage

The main difference between attending ballet school and public school is that at ballet school they encourage you to sleep with your teacher to get ahead.

A fact at least one student in this drama proves.

With only a few openings for the prestigious ballet academy workshop, a group of aspiring dancers (Zoe Saldana, Susan May Pratt, Amanda Schull) compete against one another and themselves for the coveted positions.

Meanwhile, there is a power struggle between the troupe’s current choreographer Jonathon (Peter Gallagher) and Cooper (Ethan Stiefel), the lead dancer looking to replace him.

Tackling the commonplace concerns facing ballet dancers, from eating disorders to complex love triangles that can only be explained through exaggerated movements, Center Stage is a realistic yet ridiculous look at the cutthroat art form.

Besides, wouldn’t sex with a ballerina have to involve 5 additional ballerinas, just to make it feel like there’s someone else there?

He Pirouette’s the Bed. He’s the…

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