He’s a Diabetic Candy Cane. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of December 21, 2018
Happy Hollandaise! First up…
Venom
The best thing about sharing a body with
another entity is sticking them with all of the wiping.
However, the visitor in this sci-fi
thriller is more likely to just remove your genitals.
Disgraced journalist Eddie Brock (Tom
Hardy) bonds with an alien that grants him amazing powers and an appetite for
brains. But when the scientist (Riz Ahmed) who brought the extraterrestrial
here from a passing comet comes to claim it, Eddie and his parasite must get
help from Eddie’s ex-fiancée (Michelle Williams) before the Earth is enslaved.
While this origin story behind Spider-Man’s
most popular villain is less convoluted than previous attempts, Marvels beloved
antihero feels rudderless without the web-slinger around to torment. So,
instead, audiences are left to endure the torment of the cheesy SFX,
cringe-worthy dialogue and hammy performances all alone.
Incidentally, any aliens living inside of
humans will soon be exterminated by Type 2 diabetes. Yellow Light
The Predator
In order to successfully hunt humans you
must first cover yourself in their urine.
Or, you can do like the tracker in this
sci-fi thriller and bring some hunting dogs.
Quinn (Boyd Holbrook) disarms an alien and
mails its armour to his son (Jacob Tremblay) stateside. But when the captured
creature escapes confinement, it comes looking for its property. With help from
a biologist (Olivia Munn) and some dysfunctional marines (Keegan-Michael Key,
Thomas Jane), Quinn tries to keep his kid away from the alien and a duplicitous
bureaucrat (Sterling K. Brown).
Serving as a direct sequel to the first two
films in the franchise, this jokey instalment doesn’t surpass either
predecessor. While the action is intense and the subject matter timely, there’s
very little plot and character development to substantiate this follow-up.
Moreover, the only human who can really
stop a predator from harming a child is Chris Hansen. Red Light
The House with the Clock in Its Wall
To avoid strange noises coming from behind
the walls of your new home don’t use mafia-affiliated contractors.
Fortunately, the mansion in this fantasy
movie was wholly constructed with magic.
After his parents die, Lewis (Owen Vaccaro)
is sent to live with his eccentric uncle Jonathan (Jack Black) in his creepy
manor. But Lewis quickly learns the estate’s eeriness is due to the fact it is
sentient; and that his guardian is actually a warlock. Now, Lewis, his uncle,
and their enchanted neighbor (Cate Blanchett) must locate a clock inside the
house’s walls before it undoes humanity.
While the potential to make this adaptation
of the YA novel great is there, horror director Eli Roth is unable to transfer
his skills to the more family friendly genre; making for a pretty terrifying
kids movie filled with joyless acting.
Besides, Airbnb users are more concerned
about houses with cameras in the wall.
Yellow Light
***Dead Snowman Walking***
Jack Frost
In spite of our differences humans and
snowmen will always find commonality in our shared fear of global warming.
Mind you, this horror movie suggests we may
also find a shared need for vengeance.
En route to the electric chair for his
crimes, the vehicle housing renowned serial killer Jack Frost (Scott MacDonald)
collides with a genetic research lab and the death row inmate is dosed with an
experimental chemical.
To exact his revenge on the citizens
(Christopher Allport, Shannon Elizabeth) of Snowmonton who brought him to
justice, Jack uses his snow infused DNA to take on the appearance of an
innocuous snowman.
Commonly mistaken for the Michael Keaton
family flick, this seasonal B-movie from 1997 about a murderous snowman spawned
more sequels than its namesake thanks to its comical – yet misogynistic –
approach to killing.
Moreover, it’s nice to see ex-cons playing
something other than shopping mall Santas at Christmas.
He’s Hoarfrosty the Snowman. He’s the…
Vidiot
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