He’s a Screen Doorbuster. He’s the…
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Week of December 7, 2018
Black Friday is the only day of the year
that lasts 168-hours. First up…
Mission: Impossible – Fallout
The worst part of being a spy in the
President Trump era is that he constantly posts your identity on Twitter.
Fortunately, the agent in this action movie
has an array of masks to hide behind.
IMF team lead Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) faces
his most difficult assignment yet when his decision to save his teammates
(Simon Pegg, Ving Rhames) lives over intercepting a briefcase of plutonium has
put the world in peril, and tarnished his reputation.
Partnered with a no-nonsense CIA operative
(Henry Cavill), Ethan must redeem himself by retrieving the radioactive element
before a doomsday cabal can weaponize it.
Reveling in nostalgia this lengthy sixth
installment of the long running franchise based on the 1960s TV show revisits
Ethan’s past missions with mixed results. While the action scenes can be
enthralling, they are sporadic and heavily green-screened.
Besides, spies only reexamine their past
missions when they contract chlamydia.
Yellow Light
The Nun
The easiest way to tell a nun is haunting
you is by slow dancing with no room left for the Holy Spirit.
Mind you, the pious pair in this horror
movie is doing more running than grinding.
When the Vatican gets word of the deaths of
two Romanian nuns, it dispatches Father Burke (Demián Bichir) and Sister Irene
(Taissa Farmiga) to investigate. At the abbey, the Father and Sister each
experience a demonic episode that’s later explained through the convents occult
history - and its relationship with a possessive spirit.
An offshoot of the second Conjuring, this
fifth installment in the paranormal investigative franchise has a spooky
setting, capable actors and an opportunity to tell a great origin, but aside
from a few jump-scares the sluggish narrative contributes very little to the
overall universe.
Moreover, churches are so desperate
nowadays I’m sure they’d welcome a few demons to the congregation. Red Light
The Happytime Murders
The simplest way to murder a puppet is to
sever the hand shoved up its ass.
However, the murderer in this comedy has
more elaborate eliminations in mind.
When googly eyed cast members of The
Happytime Gang sitcom start dropping dead, Phil, a dishonoured puppet cop
turned PI, must re-team with his human ex-partner Connie (Melissa McCarthy) to
find the killer. But as the felt bodies pile up the FBI (Joel McHale) start
sniffing around and Phil finds himself the prime suspect. Now Connie and Phil’s
sectary (Maya Rudolph) must prove his innocence.
While the concept of an R-rated Muppet Show
from Jim Henson’s son sounds provocative, the end result is anything but.
Plagued by gross-out jokes concerning the bodily fluids of marionettes,
director Brian Henson tarnishes his family’s name for the sake of this vile
venture.
Incidentally, the lifeless corpse of a
murdered puppet makes one helluva dust rag.
Red Light
***Hairy Christmas***
Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted
Christmas
The best Christmas gift that you can give
an accursed prince is that of a virgin.
Sadly, someone is trying to keep the
nobleman in this animated-musical from his nubile cure.
While Mrs. Potts (Angela Lansbury), Lumière
(Jerry Orbach) and the rest of the castle’s hexed furniture try to get The
Beast (Robby Benson) to fall in love with Belle (Paige O'Hara) so they can be
human again, the keep’s malevolent pipe organ (Tim Curry) plots to keep them
apart. Meanwhile, Belle tries to teach her captor the joys of the holidays.
Set during the initial storyline and
featuring many of the original voice-actors, this direct-to-video sequel to
Disney’s 1991 hit adaptation of the beloved fairy tale may not contain the
catchiest songs, but its dark narrative works well with the numinous
characteristics of Christmas.
In fact, with all its ghosts, elves and
Krumpuses, Christmas is just an expensive Halloween.
He’s a Gingerbread House of Horrors. He’s
the…
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