He’s an Off-Colour Commentator. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of May 19, 2017
Extreme sports injuries require extreme
opioids. First up…
xXx: The Return of Xander Cage
Extreme sports are the perfect balance
between athletics and corporate sponsorship.
However, the spy in this action movie has
now incorporated work into the equation.
Ex–NSA agent and X Games enthusiast Xander
Cage (Vin Diesel) returns to active duty when his mentor (Samuel L. Jackson) is
killed and a device capable of downing satellites disappears.
Although he’s under CIA supervision (Toni
Collette), Xander is permitted to assemble his own team of thrill-seeking
operatives (Nina Dobrev, Ruby Rose, Rory McCann) to take down the foreign
parties (Donnie Yen, Tony Jaa) in possession of Pandora’s Box before they
unleash its powers.
While the martial arts segments of this
sequel’s numerous action sequences are engaging, the sloppy green screen work,
the script’s atrocious dialogue and the barrage of absurd scenarios makes Vin’s
return to the character a highly disappointing one.
Incidentally, extreme sports spies take
their Martinis with Mountain Dew in them. Red Light
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
Watch: The zombie apocalypse is gonna
happen right as the fad is dying out.
Luckily, this horror movie has some final
pointers to offer before it does.
Humanity’s last hope is the everlasting
Alice (Milla Jovovich) who has just been advised by a computer program (Ever
Gabo Anderson) that she must travel to Raccoon City if she hopes to find a cure
for the world’s zombie plague.
Aided by other humans (Ali Larter, Ruby
Rose, Eoin Macken), she makes her way back to where it all began. However, the
virus’ creator (Iain Glen) and throngs of the undead stand in her way.
The sixth installment in this video game
inspired franchise, this concluding chapter is cluttered with the same overly
stylized fights, exceptionally bad acting and muddled storytelling that made
the original and its successors so unmemorable.
Besides, if there really were zombies
corporations would just cover them in ads.
Red Light
The Space Between Us
On Mars all you ever learn about in high
school is how to invade and enslave Earth.
However, the Martian in this romantic movie
prefers to visit his enemy instead.
Born on the red planet 16 years ago, the
orphaned Gardner (Asa Butterfield) now has an urge to find the earthling that
he believes is his father. Undergoing extensive surgery to adapt to Earth’s
atmosphere, he hopes to find him.
But when his doctor (Gary Oldman) doesn’t
clear him for the trek, Gardner escapes his custody and locates his online
friend (Britt Robertson) who helps him navigate his new terrain and joins with
him on his quest.
A bizarre teenage love story with stranger
science backing up its implausible narrative, this sappy by-the-numbers
schlock-fest can count incompatible leads as its foremost setback.
Moreover, guys say they’re from Mars just
so they don’t have to call a girl the next day. Red Light
***3rd Crock from the Sun***
Here on Earth
Falling for someone out of your social
class is only acceptable if you’re the poor one.
If you’re middle-class like the girl in
this romantic movie, however, you get to choose.
When affluent Kellie (Chris Klein) and the
underprivileged Jasper (Josh Hartnett) crash their cars into Sam’s (Leelee
Sobieski) family’s restaurant during a street race, both delinquents are
ordered to repair the damages.
Although she is seeing Jasper, during the
reparations on her parents’ place Sam starts dating Kellie for his intellectual
prowess. Making matters more awkward is the fact that Sam is dying from bone
cancer.
With terrible performances across the board
and a questionable motive at its heart, this maudlin teen love triangle drama
from 2000 is more relevant today then it was 17 years ago. And still as cringe
worthy.
Smart move on her part though - latching
onto the guy who can pay her hospital bills.
He’s an Uncure-all. He’s the…
Vidiot
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