Be Kind, Please Rewind

He Makes a Good Fist Impression. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of June 2, 2017

Fight, Flight or Faint. First up…

 

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Fist Fight

Nowadays when teenagers fist fight after school they do so online using avatars.

The feuding educators in this comedy, however, are settling their beef old school.

Amid the year-end pranks from the graduating class and internal layoffs in their faculty (Tracy Morgan, Christina Hendricks), milquetoast English instructor Andy (Charlie Day) sets off the unstable history teacher, Ron (Ice Cube), who subsequently challenges the timid family man to a fist fight after class.

Andy then spends the rest of the last day of school trying to evade the beat down by getting Ron fired or imprisoned.

Wasting a talented comedic cast on a humourless and distasteful script that brings nothing new to the high school movie sub-genre, this needlessly vulgar endeavour into cutbacks and bullying is best left back a year so it can mature into a functional comedy.

Incidentally, teachers only fight after school because their wages are so low.  Red Light

 

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The Shack

God lets children die because he needs their souls to work the coalmines in Heaven. 

However, this drama maintains that Paradise adheres to all child labour laws.

Family man Mack (Sam Worthington) is destroyed when a serial killer abducts and murders his daughter while she is on a camping trip. In his grief Mack receives a mysterious letter telling him to come to a shack in the woods.

Assuming he’s there to meet his daughter’s kidnapper, Mack is shocked to discover three strangers (Octavia Spencer, Sumire, Avraham Aviv Alush) inside, waiting to teach him all about forgiving his enemies.

Well it no doubt has an interesting, albeit unrealistic, take on absolution, this melodramatic adaptation of the self-published Canadian best seller comes with some heavy proselytization and hokey acting from both human and deity alike.

Moreover, if the Trinity only needs a shack, why does the Pope need a whole city?  Red Light       

***Student Body Slams***

 

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Three O'Clock High

The only way to really deal with a bully is to bully their younger sibling.

Unfortunately, the bully in this comedy is an only child.

High school geek Jerry (Casey Siemaszko) is tasked with writing a welcome article on his school’s newest transfer: bad-boy Buddy (Richard Tyson). The assignment goes from bad to worse when Buddy challenges Jerry to an after-school fight.

Terrified of fighting, Jerry employs every trick in the textbook in order to avoid the pending violence. Stashing contraband, getting detention, even trying to buy Buddy off doesn’t dissuade the imminent beat down that has the student body placing bets.

An out-there dark comedy, this 1987 high school sub-genre flop stands the test of time thanks to the enduring power of bullying. Awkwardly funny and brutally honest, this neglected after-school fistfight movie needs to be revisited. 

Incidentally, there’d be no after-school fights if child labour laws were abolished.

He’s a Chalkboard Member. He’s the…

 

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Antihero Sandwich. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 26, 2017

Mutants eat with their talons just like the rest of us. First up…

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Logan

You can tell a superhero is getting old when villains start using credit-card scams on them.

Luckily, the aged protagonist in this action movie knows to keep his PIN protected.

A weathered Wolverine/Logan (Hugh Jackman) struggles to survive in a mutant-less future where his healing factor is failing and his once powerful mentor (Patrick Stewart) suffers from Alzheimer's.

Matters worsen when a young mutant (Dafne Keen) escapes from a laboratory and asks for his help in reaching a mutant safe haven up north. Accepting, however, puts the irritable immortal’s life in danger for the first – and possibly last - time.

Focusing more on the character than his infamous claws, this end chapter of the Jackman era may suffer from some lulls but is ultimately a fitting tribute to the troubled Canuck with strong performances, furious action and a moving script.

Incidentally, elderly superheroes always keep some candy in their spandex.  Green Light 

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The Great Wall

If China were smart they would’ve got the Mongols to pay for the Great Wall to be built.

Oddly, the intruders in this fantasy movie are not even of Earth.

Searching for China’s famed black powder, mercenaries Garin (Matt Damon) and Pero (Pedro Pascal) are attacked by mysterious creatures, and survive.

When they are later captured by the military, Commander Mae (Jing Tian) tells them of the horde and their need to cleanse the earth of avarice. Intrigued, Garin agrees to help kill the colony’s queen. Insatiable, Pero teams with another captive (Willem Dafoe) to pilfer the explosive powder.      

With a multitude of highly stylized battles imbued with eye-popping aerial attacks in a kaleidoscope of colours, this visually striking creature feature has a very familiar script and an unintentionally hilarious performance from Damon that borders on campy.

And while China’s Great Wall did deterred invaders, it inadvertently encouraged graffiti artists.  Yellow Light

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Get Out

The great thing about interracial relationships is you’ll never start to look alike.

Even dressed identical, the mixed-race couple in this horror movie would maintain their distinctiveness.

Black photographer, Chris (Daniel Kaluuya), is nervous about spending the weekend with his white girlfriend’s (Allison Williams) family (Bradley Whitford, Catherine Keener, Caleb Landry Jones).

His fears are soon confirmed when he begins having strange encounters with the few other black people around who all warn him to get out.

Things get even stranger when Chris ends up on the auction block for the family’s affluent white friends to purchase for their own nefarious reasons.

More psychological horror than slasher flick splatterfest, this socially relevant debut from comedian-cum-director Jordan Peele deals with the racial divide in America with a monstrous metaphor that is frightening foremost for its high probability.

Besides, meeting white people isn’t scary as long as you have your hands up.  Green Light 

 ***Retired Gun***

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Shane

The reason you don’t see old gunslingers is because greeters at Wal-Mart cannot be armed.

Another reason, as this Western points out is that most end up dead.

After the Civil War a weathered gunfighter, Shane (Alan Ladd), moseys into a Wyoming settlement where he befriends a farmer (Van Heflin), his wife (Jean Arthur) and their son Joey (Brandon deWilde). 

When Shane learns a greedy cattleman (Emile Meyer) and his henchman (Jack Palance) are strong-arming the settlers off their property, he agrees to help fight back. 

Admired by Joey for his prowess with a pistol, Shane cautions him on the way of the gun.

Still one of the greatest films ever produced thanks to its poignant storytelling, compelling characters and ambiguous ending, this Technicolor adaption of the popular paperback is a gritty dissertation on obsolescence.

Besides, the world still needs gunslingers to perform twice daily at Wild West theme parks.

He’s a Squirt Gunslinger. He’s the….

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Off-Colour Commentator. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 19, 2017

Extreme sports injuries require extreme opioids. First up…

 

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xXx: The Return of Xander Cage​

Extreme sports are the perfect balance between athletics and corporate sponsorship.

However, the spy in this action movie has now incorporated work into the equation.

Ex–NSA agent and X Games enthusiast Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) returns to active duty when his mentor (Samuel L. Jackson) is killed and a device capable of downing satellites disappears.

Although he’s under CIA supervision (Toni Collette), Xander is permitted to assemble his own team of thrill-seeking operatives (Nina Dobrev, Ruby Rose, Rory McCann) to take down the foreign parties (Donnie Yen, Tony Jaa) in possession of Pandora’s Box before they unleash its powers.

While the martial arts segments of this sequel’s numerous action sequences are engaging, the sloppy green screen work, the script’s atrocious dialogue and the barrage of absurd scenarios makes Vin’s return to the character a highly disappointing one.        

Incidentally, extreme sports spies take their Martinis with Mountain Dew in them. Red Light

 

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Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

Watch: The zombie apocalypse is gonna happen right as the fad is dying out.

Luckily, this horror movie has some final pointers to offer before it does.

Humanity’s last hope is the everlasting Alice (Milla Jovovich) who has just been advised by a computer program (Ever Gabo Anderson) that she must travel to Raccoon City if she hopes to find a cure for the world’s zombie plague.

                                                                                      

Aided by other humans (Ali Larter, Ruby Rose, Eoin Macken), she makes her way back to where it all began. However, the virus’ creator (Iain Glen) and throngs of the undead stand in her way.

The sixth installment in this video game inspired franchise, this concluding chapter is cluttered with the same overly stylized fights, exceptionally bad acting and muddled storytelling that made the original and its successors so unmemorable.

Besides, if there really were zombies corporations would just cover them in ads.  Red Light

 

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The Space Between Us

On Mars all you ever learn about in high school is how to invade and enslave Earth.

However, the Martian in this romantic movie prefers to visit his enemy instead.

Born on the red planet 16 years ago, the orphaned Gardner (Asa Butterfield) now has an urge to find the earthling that he believes is his father. Undergoing extensive surgery to adapt to Earth’s atmosphere, he hopes to find him.

But when his doctor (Gary Oldman) doesn’t clear him for the trek, Gardner escapes his custody and locates his online friend (Britt Robertson) who helps him navigate his new terrain and joins with him on his quest.

A bizarre teenage love story with stranger science backing up its implausible narrative, this sappy by-the-numbers schlock-fest can count incompatible leads as its foremost setback. 

Moreover, guys say they’re from Mars just so they don’t have to call a girl the next day. Red Light

***3rd Crock from the Sun***

 

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Here on Earth

Falling for someone out of your social class is only acceptable if you’re the poor one.

If you’re middle-class like the girl in this romantic movie, however, you get to choose.

When affluent Kellie (Chris Klein) and the underprivileged Jasper (Josh Hartnett) crash their cars into Sam’s (Leelee Sobieski) family’s restaurant during a street race, both delinquents are ordered to repair the damages.

Although she is seeing Jasper, during the reparations on her parents’ place Sam starts dating Kellie for his intellectual prowess. Making matters more awkward is the fact that Sam is dying from bone cancer.

With terrible performances across the board and a questionable motive at its heart, this maudlin teen love triangle drama from 2000 is more relevant today then it was 17 years ago. And still as cringe worthy.

Smart move on her part though - latching onto the guy who can pay her hospital bills.

He’s an Uncure-all. He’s the…

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