Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Broken Heart Specialist. He’s the…

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Week of January 20, 2017

Cheating is the leading cause of castration. First up…

The Girl on the Train

The best thing about living with an alcoholic is that they always have cocktail umbrellas handy.

Unfortunately, the dipsomaniac in this thriller doesn’t dabble in drink flourishes.

Ever since her husband (Justin Theroux) left her for his mistress (Rebecca Ferguson), Rachel (Emily Blunt) has split her days between binge drinking and stalking his new family.

When the couple’s nanny (Haley Bennett) goes missing, Rachel becomes the prime suspect. But her inebriation keeps her from recollecting the events. Through the victim’s husband (Luke Evans), she learns the nanny was seeing a therapist (Édgar Ramírez), whom suspects killed her.

While the story starts off promising with good pacing and impressive performances, it soon derails once the murder element is added. More sudsy than suspenseful with an obvious ending, this adaptation of the bestseller is ultimately unsuccessful.  

Moreover, once your mistress becomes your wife you have to constantly lie to both of them.  Red Light

Ouija: Origin of Evil

The best thing about communing with the dead through a Ouija board today is they all communicate in abbreviations.

In the sixties, however, specters, like the ones in this horror movie, had to spell complete words.

Single mother and sham spiritualist Alice (Elizabeth Reaser) uses her daughters to help swindle her clients during staged séances by pretending to be their relatives.

When Alice adds a spirit board to the act her youngest (Lulu Wilson) starts to actually channel entities in the home, including her father. Meanwhile, the eldest (Annalise Basso) seeks help from a priest (Henry Thomas).

Despite being a sequel, this frightful follow-up surpasses the forgettable original in all aspects. Filling in the blanks from the first, Origin of Evil also explores some interesting new themes concerning the afterlife while maintaining ample scares.  

Incidentally, Ouija boards are only good for reprimanding dead relatives over the pittance they bequeathed you.  Green Light

Keeping Up With the Joneses

The worst thing about living next-door to a spy is everything they lend you releases knockout gas.

Mind you, noxious fumes aren’t needed to convince the wary couple in this action-comedy.

From the day the Joneses (Jon Hamm, Gal Gadot) moved next-door, the Gaffneys (Zach Galifianakis, Isla Fisher) have been suspicious of their good looks and enviable careers. It’s not until they discover a listening device in their home that they suspect the couple of being secret agents.

With their cover now blown, the Joneses agree to partner with the bumbling Gaffneys to accomplish their mission: delivering missile defensive Intel to an arms dealer (Patton Oswalt).

With a weak premise and an unrecognizably svelte Galifianakis, this suburban spy-spoof struggles to find laughs in its capable cast. The action portion is equally tepid.

Another telltale sign your neighbor is a spy: all the books they borrow you have been redacted.  Red Light

***De-Railway Crossing***   

 

Strangers on a Train

The perfect murder is any murder you can commit on a Sunday wearing your favourite pair of Crocs.

However, the strangers in this thriller have a different idea of an idyllic homicide.

Guy (Farley Granger) wants to leave his wife Miriam (Laura Elliott) and marry his mistress (Ruth Roman). Bruno (Robert Walker) wants his father dead. The two randomly meet on a train and agree to take care of each other’s problems.

While Bruno holds up his end of the bargain, Guy backs out on his. Infuriated, Bruno goes to plant evidence at the amusement park where he strangled Miriam, unless Guy can stop him.

One of Alfred Hitchcock’s most revered works, this redrafting of the 1950s bestseller remains a visual landmark to this day. Meanwhile, Raymond Chandler’s hardboiled script retains its dark, relatable qualities.

Moreover, it reminds us that strangers are just friends we haven’t committed murder for yet.

He’s a Murder Weapons Expert. He’s the…

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