He’s a Conniption Fitbit. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of January 6, 2017
Health data is clogging my hard drive.
First up…
Snowden
The worst thing about whistleblowing is
that it tells everyone you just finked on your exact location.
And while the informant in this thriller
doesn’t directly toot a horn, he does squeal.
A failed solider and amateur
computer-hacker Edward Snowden (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) finds work with the CIA –
later NSA - where he’s tasked with conducting cyber-espionage on foreign governments,
terrorist cells and the public.
Eventually his unease over the ethics of
his actions causes him to release top-secret files to the press. This decision
ultimately threatens his girlfriend’s (Shailene Woodley) and his own safety.
This composite of separate Snowden
biographies recaps the folk-hero’s journey in a surprisingly subdued style,
atypical of its director Oliver Stone, but it remains serviceable on account of
its unbelievable facts concerning counter surveillance and Gordon-Levitt’s
bizarre intonation.
On the bright side, if you ever forget any
of your online passwords the government can always help. Yellow Light
When the Bough Breaks
The easiest way for a childless couple to
get a baby is to hang around a Walmart washroom.
Unfortunately, the parents in this
psychological thriller impregnated a surrogate instead.
Unsuccessful in their attempts to conceive,
John (Morris Chestnut) and Laura (Regina Hall) ultimately decide to fertilize
another woman’s eggs in order to start their family.
While their proxy Anna (Jaz Sinclair)
appears to be the perfect choice, she soon develops an unhealthy attraction
towards John that finds her driving a duplicitous wedge between the couple that
could not only cost them their unborn child, but also their own lives.
A glorified Lifetime movie masquerading as
a major motion picture, this substandard melodrama even lacks the tautness and
titillation needed to be a movie of the week. Low on ingenuity and craziness,
this pyscho stranger story fails at being bad.
Besides, if the surrogate wants you dead
won’t your baby inherit that bloodlust?
Red Light
Blair Witch
The first thing you should do when lost in
the woods is head to the nearest house made of candy.
Regrettably, the hikers in this horror
movie head to a dilapidated cottage.
When footage of his missing sister surfaces
on the Internet, James (James Allen McCune) heads to Burkittsville to retrace
her sojourn into the haunted forest.
Accompanied by a documentary film student
(Callie Hernandez), a pair of locals (Valorie Curry, Wes Robinson) and his two
friends (Corbin Reid, Brandon Scott), James sets off in search of the cabin
where the initial Blair Witch Project footage was found 20-years before.
The unwanted follow-up to the godfather of
the found footage subgenre, this long gestating sequel should have stayed in
limbo. Relying on the same shaky-cam scares that helped the original only makes
this sequel feel like a repetitive remake.
Moreover, witch in the woods rumours are
usually started by grow-ops. Red Light
***Witchcraft Brewery***
Burn Witch Burn
Being cursed by a witch is the best excuse
one could have for getting out of work.
Unfortunately, the academic in this
psychological thriller actually enjoys lecturing.
When psych professor Taylor (Peter
Wyngarde) learns his wife (Janet Blair) has been dabbling in the dark arts
since returning from the West Indies, he orders her to cease. Unaware her
charms have been helping his career, he is left defenceless against another
witch (Margaret Johnston) out for revenge.
Through auditory hypnosis, this mysterious
sorceress convinces the skeptical scholar a giant stone eagle statue has come
to life and is now stalking him.
Known across the pond as Night of the
Eagle, this British/American co-production of pulp novelist Fritz Leiber’s
seminal work is a well-crafted and moody depiction of witchcraft on campus
featuring some impressive special effects and unnerving performances.
Incidentally, most hexes can be avoided by
not insulting a Wiccan’s hairy armpits.
He's
an Act of Goddess. He's the...
Vidiot
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