He’s a Self-Preservation Officer. He’s the…
Vidiot
Week of January 13, 2017
I am here to self-serve and protect. First
up….
The Accountant
The worst part of being an accountant is
that your friends always ask for free audits.
That is exactly why the bookkeeper in this
thriller chooses not to have any.
Despite his autism, Christian (Ben Affleck)
grows up to become the most sought-after bean counter in the underworld.
Dispatched to his clients via a disembodied voice, his latest audit is of a
reputable robotics firm.
Alongside the company’s internal accountant
(Anna Kendrick), Christian uncovers the misappropriation of millions. Their
findings, however, only end up making both CPA’s the target of a hired gun (Jon
Bernthal).
Fortunately, Christian’s military
upbringing has made him a proficient killer himself.
While the concept of a special needs
anti-hero is highly laughable, the kinetic action, frequent plot twists and
stone faced Affleck help this unorthodox actioner overcome its minor
infirmities, like, plausibility.
Incidentally, having autism would actually
make accountants more interesting people to talk to. Green Light
Deepwater Horizon
The best part about offshore drilling is
that you get to wear your swimsuit to work.
Mind you, the rig crew in this drama
should’ve worn flame retardant trunks.
When drill crew captains Mike Williams
(Mark Wahlberg) and Jimmy Harrell (Kurt Russell) board Deepwater Horizon, they
discover the proper safety measures have not been taken to stabilize the well.
Concerned, they urge their BP rep (John Malkovich) to authorize a pressure
test.
Shortly after the test commences there is a
massive explosion. Now Mike must evacuate his team (Dylan O'Brien, Gina
Rodriguez) before the rig collapses.
Inspired by the 2010 BP oil spill, this
harrowing survival story is certainly heart pounding and inspiring. However,
the human component feels aggrandized, while the environmental devastation has
been minimized for the sake of high-octane entertainment.
Even worse, under maritime law all oil
spilt into the ocean automatically becomes the property of the mer-people. Yellow Light
Kevin Hart: What Now?
The next step a stand-up comedian typically
takes after they become a movie star is drug overdose.
Luckily, the funnyman in this comedy chose
to return to his vaudevillian roots.
Short statured special agent 0054 (Kevin
Hart) and his astute partner (Halle Berry) enter a high-stakes poker game
against a Russian terrorist. But when Hart’s inept antics raise the ante, he
must perform comedy in front of 50,000 fans in Philadelphia to save the day.
But with all of his great achievements can
Kevin still rock the mic with an R rated routine comprised of relatable topics,
like race, fatherhood and wildlife?
An awkward mash-up of cameo-centric
spy-thriller and cable TV comedy concert, this vanity project bombs at both
genres. With the former being a poorly conceived sketch and the latter lacking
any decent laughs.
Incidentally, stand-up comedians make the
worst spies because they work top-secret material into their act. Red Light
The Birth of a Nation
If it weren’t for slavery America would
have been just another Upper Canada.
However, this historical drama contends
that without slavery there would be no United States at all.
In order to assist his impoverished master
Samuel Turner (Armie Hammer), well-educated slave Nat Turner (Nate Parker) agrees
to preach the good word at neighbouring plantations. This act not only serves
to sooth any agitated slaves, but to also line his master’s pockets.
Having to bear witness to all of the
inhumanities ignites a rebellious flame in Nat, and soon his sermons turn to
declarations of mutiny against their slave masters.
A powerful and poignant depiction of the
real life 1831 slave revolt that ravaged Virginia, this debut by controversial
director Nate Parker may accentuate the story slightly but still delivers an
impactful and stirring message.
Furthermore, the best strategy against
southern slavers is to first cut-off their mint julep supply. Yellow Light
***Counting Black Sheep***
The Other Sister
You know that you are the black sheep of
your family when you have to spend the entire family reunion locked in the
attic.
Thankfully, modern laws forbid the parents
in this romantic-comedy from confining their disabled daughter.
Returning home to her ashamed parents
(Diane Keaton, Tom Skerritt) after an extended stint at a special needs
boarding school, Carla (Juliette Lewis) has a hard time adhering to her stern
mother’s house rules - so she leaves.
Eventually she starts dating a mentally
disabled boy, Daniel (Giovanni Ribisi), causing even more tension between her
and her mother. Their subsequent wedding is the final straw and Carla’s mother
refuses to attend the nuptials.
Slapped together by sentimental
schlockmeister Garry Marshall, this awkward attempt at constructing a
developmentally disabled love story panders to base emotions. Meanwhile, Lewis
and Ribisi’s performances are profoundly poisonous.
Besides, if retarded people can get married
why can’t the mentally disabled?
He's Special Needy. He's the...
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