Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Personal Hell of a Guy. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 27, 2017

You don’t have to pray to get in to Hell. First up…

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Inferno

With all of its homophobes, suicide bombers and TV evangelists, who would ever want to end up in Heaven?

Which might be why the Harvard professor in this thriller is exploring the alternative.

Linguist lecturer Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) wakes up in an Italian hospital with a bullet wound and memory loss. When the assassin (Ana Ularu) shows up to finish the job, a nurse (Felicity Jones) helps Langdon escape.

The pair later locates a coded painting of Dante's Inferno that they must decode in order to stop an overzealous biologist (Ben Foster) from releasing a doomsday virus.

The third entry in the religious text deciphering series, this installment maintains the globetrotting appeal but looses the pious intrigue in exchange for scattershot action scenes, a heavily altered ending and two hollow performances that border on ham-fisted.

Moreover, there is no God that approves of Langdon cavorting with a younger woman.  Red Light

 

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The Light Between Oceans

A surefire way to get pregnant is to pretend you’re high school students with bright futures.

However, it’s going to take divine intervention for the married couple is this drama.

Shell-shocked solider Tom Sherbourne (Michael Fassbender) returns to Australia a changed man. Choosing the solitary existence of a lighthouse keeper, he takes up correspondence with a mainlander (Alicia Vikander), whom he later marries.

After two failed pregnancies, one day a rowboat washes ashore with a newborn aboard that the couple raises as their own. But news that the babe’s mother (Rachel Weisz) still lives tears the lighthouse keeper’s family asunder.

Beautifully shot and finely acted, this adaptation of the Aussie bestseller skillfully explores survivor’s guilt from a trio of perspectives, each with their own personal pathos. Nonetheless, that suffering slowly becomes taxing and ultimately depressing.      

Furthermore, performance anxiety is perfectly normal when you live inside of a colossal blinking penis.  Yellow Light

***Strobe Lighthouse***

 

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The Light at the Edge of the World

Lighthouses are the best places for troubled loners because they have all the comforts of a clock tower.

However, university students aren’t the targets in this action movie, pirates are.

Fleeing from a failed romance and a murder rap back in the States, ex-miner Denton (Kirk Douglas) heads down south to Cape Horn in 1865 to man a lighthouse.

When Kongre (Yul Brynner) and his marauders land on the coastline intent on wrecking ships by dowsing the flame, it’s up to Denton and his skeleton crew (Massimo Ranieri, Fernando Rey) to abate the cutthroats and liberate their female captive (Samantha Eggar) before the next cargo ship arrives.

Noted for its Spanish locales, particularly the craggy topography where the swashbuckling occurs, this adaptation of Jules Verne’s novel is a forgotten gem in the adventure genre. 

Nevertheless, it must be nice to get a visitor at the lighthouse that isn’t a moth.

He’s a Lighthouse Housekeeper. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Broken Heart Specialist. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 20, 2017

Cheating is the leading cause of castration. First up…

The Girl on the Train

The best thing about living with an alcoholic is that they always have cocktail umbrellas handy.

Unfortunately, the dipsomaniac in this thriller doesn’t dabble in drink flourishes.

Ever since her husband (Justin Theroux) left her for his mistress (Rebecca Ferguson), Rachel (Emily Blunt) has split her days between binge drinking and stalking his new family.

When the couple’s nanny (Haley Bennett) goes missing, Rachel becomes the prime suspect. But her inebriation keeps her from recollecting the events. Through the victim’s husband (Luke Evans), she learns the nanny was seeing a therapist (Édgar Ramírez), whom suspects killed her.

While the story starts off promising with good pacing and impressive performances, it soon derails once the murder element is added. More sudsy than suspenseful with an obvious ending, this adaptation of the bestseller is ultimately unsuccessful.  

Moreover, once your mistress becomes your wife you have to constantly lie to both of them.  Red Light

Ouija: Origin of Evil

The best thing about communing with the dead through a Ouija board today is they all communicate in abbreviations.

In the sixties, however, specters, like the ones in this horror movie, had to spell complete words.

Single mother and sham spiritualist Alice (Elizabeth Reaser) uses her daughters to help swindle her clients during staged séances by pretending to be their relatives.

When Alice adds a spirit board to the act her youngest (Lulu Wilson) starts to actually channel entities in the home, including her father. Meanwhile, the eldest (Annalise Basso) seeks help from a priest (Henry Thomas).

Despite being a sequel, this frightful follow-up surpasses the forgettable original in all aspects. Filling in the blanks from the first, Origin of Evil also explores some interesting new themes concerning the afterlife while maintaining ample scares.  

Incidentally, Ouija boards are only good for reprimanding dead relatives over the pittance they bequeathed you.  Green Light

Keeping Up With the Joneses

The worst thing about living next-door to a spy is everything they lend you releases knockout gas.

Mind you, noxious fumes aren’t needed to convince the wary couple in this action-comedy.

From the day the Joneses (Jon Hamm, Gal Gadot) moved next-door, the Gaffneys (Zach Galifianakis, Isla Fisher) have been suspicious of their good looks and enviable careers. It’s not until they discover a listening device in their home that they suspect the couple of being secret agents.

With their cover now blown, the Joneses agree to partner with the bumbling Gaffneys to accomplish their mission: delivering missile defensive Intel to an arms dealer (Patton Oswalt).

With a weak premise and an unrecognizably svelte Galifianakis, this suburban spy-spoof struggles to find laughs in its capable cast. The action portion is equally tepid.

Another telltale sign your neighbor is a spy: all the books they borrow you have been redacted.  Red Light

***De-Railway Crossing***   

 

Strangers on a Train

The perfect murder is any murder you can commit on a Sunday wearing your favourite pair of Crocs.

However, the strangers in this thriller have a different idea of an idyllic homicide.

Guy (Farley Granger) wants to leave his wife Miriam (Laura Elliott) and marry his mistress (Ruth Roman). Bruno (Robert Walker) wants his father dead. The two randomly meet on a train and agree to take care of each other’s problems.

While Bruno holds up his end of the bargain, Guy backs out on his. Infuriated, Bruno goes to plant evidence at the amusement park where he strangled Miriam, unless Guy can stop him.

One of Alfred Hitchcock’s most revered works, this redrafting of the 1950s bestseller remains a visual landmark to this day. Meanwhile, Raymond Chandler’s hardboiled script retains its dark, relatable qualities.

Moreover, it reminds us that strangers are just friends we haven’t committed murder for yet.

He’s a Murder Weapons Expert. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Self-Preservation Officer. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of January 13, 2017

I am here to self-serve and protect. First up….

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The Accountant

The worst part of being an accountant is that your friends always ask for free audits.

That is exactly why the bookkeeper in this thriller chooses not to have any.

Despite his autism, Christian (Ben Affleck) grows up to become the most sought-after bean counter in the underworld. Dispatched to his clients via a disembodied voice, his latest audit is of a reputable robotics firm.

Alongside the company’s internal accountant (Anna Kendrick), Christian uncovers the misappropriation of millions. Their findings, however, only end up making both CPA’s the target of a hired gun (Jon Bernthal).

Fortunately, Christian’s military upbringing has made him a proficient killer himself.

While the concept of a special needs anti-hero is highly laughable, the kinetic action, frequent plot twists and stone faced Affleck help this unorthodox actioner overcome its minor infirmities, like, plausibility.

Incidentally, having autism would actually make accountants more interesting people to talk to.  Green Light  

 

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Deepwater Horizon

The best part about offshore drilling is that you get to wear your swimsuit to work.

Mind you, the rig crew in this drama should’ve worn flame retardant trunks.

When drill crew captains Mike Williams (Mark Wahlberg) and Jimmy Harrell (Kurt Russell) board Deepwater Horizon, they discover the proper safety measures have not been taken to stabilize the well. Concerned, they urge their BP rep (John Malkovich) to authorize a pressure test.

Shortly after the test commences there is a massive explosion. Now Mike must evacuate his team (Dylan O'Brien, Gina Rodriguez) before the rig collapses.

Inspired by the 2010 BP oil spill, this harrowing survival story is certainly heart pounding and inspiring. However, the human component feels aggrandized, while the environmental devastation has been minimized for the sake of high-octane entertainment.

Even worse, under maritime law all oil spilt into the ocean automatically becomes the property of the mer-people.  Yellow Light

 

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Kevin Hart: What Now?

The next step a stand-up comedian typically takes after they become a movie star is drug overdose.

Luckily, the funnyman in this comedy chose to return to his vaudevillian roots.

Short statured special agent 0054 (Kevin Hart) and his astute partner (Halle Berry) enter a high-stakes poker game against a Russian terrorist. But when Hart’s inept antics raise the ante, he must perform comedy in front of 50,000 fans in Philadelphia to save the day.

But with all of his great achievements can Kevin still rock the mic with an R rated routine comprised of relatable topics, like race, fatherhood and wildlife?

An awkward mash-up of cameo-centric spy-thriller and cable TV comedy concert, this vanity project bombs at both genres. With the former being a poorly conceived sketch and the latter lacking any decent laughs.

Incidentally, stand-up comedians make the worst spies because they work top-secret material into their act.  Red Light 

 

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The Birth of a Nation

If it weren’t for slavery America would have been just another Upper Canada.

However, this historical drama contends that without slavery there would be no United States at all.

In order to assist his impoverished master Samuel Turner (Armie Hammer), well-educated slave Nat Turner (Nate Parker) agrees to preach the good word at neighbouring plantations. This act not only serves to sooth any agitated slaves, but to also line his master’s pockets.

Having to bear witness to all of the inhumanities ignites a rebellious flame in Nat, and soon his sermons turn to declarations of mutiny against their slave masters.

A powerful and poignant depiction of the real life 1831 slave revolt that ravaged Virginia, this debut by controversial director Nate Parker may accentuate the story slightly but still delivers an impactful and stirring message. 

Furthermore, the best strategy against southern slavers is to first cut-off their mint julep supply.  Yellow Light

***Counting Black Sheep***

 

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The Other Sister

You know that you are the black sheep of your family when you have to spend the entire family reunion locked in the attic.

Thankfully, modern laws forbid the parents in this romantic-comedy from confining their disabled daughter.

Returning home to her ashamed parents (Diane Keaton, Tom Skerritt) after an extended stint at a special needs boarding school, Carla (Juliette Lewis) has a hard time adhering to her stern mother’s house rules - so she leaves.

Eventually she starts dating a mentally disabled boy, Daniel (Giovanni Ribisi), causing even more tension between her and her mother. Their subsequent wedding is the final straw and Carla’s mother refuses to attend the nuptials.

Slapped together by sentimental schlockmeister Garry Marshall, this awkward attempt at constructing a developmentally disabled love story panders to base emotions. Meanwhile, Lewis and Ribisi’s performances are profoundly poisonous.

Besides, if retarded people can get married why can’t the mentally disabled?

He's Special Needy. He's the...

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