You Were Kind. You Did Rewind.

He's the Womanizer of the Year. He's the...

Vidiot

Week of December 31, 2017

The Best and Worst Movie of the Year. First up....

 

Logan

You can tell a superhero is getting old when villains start using credit-card scams on them.

Luckily, the aged protagonist in this action movie knows to keep his PIN protected.

A weathered Wolverine/Logan (Hugh Jackman) struggles to survive in a mutant-less future where his healing factor is failing and his once powerful mentor (Patrick Stewart) suffers from Alzheimer's.

Matters worsen when a young mutant (Dafne Keen) escapes from a laboratory and asks for his help in reaching a mutant safe haven up north. Accepting, however, puts the irritable immortal’s life in danger for the first – and possibly last - time.

Focusing more on the character than his infamous claws, this end chapter of the Jackman era may suffer from some lulls but is ultimately a fitting tribute to the troubled Canuck with strong performances, furious action and a moving script.

Incidentally, elderly superheroes always keep some candy in their spandex.

​

The Emoji Movie

Growing up the only emoticon you were allowed to feel was: Smiling Face.

As per this animated-adventure: Now there’s a myriad of symbols to emote your psychosis.

Inside of a teenager’s phone lives a multifaceted face emoji, Gene (T.J. Miller), that doesn’t want to be defined by his ‘meh’ designation, like his parents, so he teams up with a HI-5 sign (James Corden) and a hacker (Anna Faris) that can help fix his glitch before Gene is deleted.

But to repair Gene they must survive Candy Crush, Instagram and Spotify.

A platform for app and software companies to reach impressionable young minds, this commercial masked as a 3-D kids cartoon is corporate brainwashing. Intent on creating brand loyalty amongst preschoolers by way of cutesy characters, showing this schlock to minors should be deemed child abuse.       

Furthermore, who needs emoticons when every human emotion can be articulated by a dick pic?

He's a Polar Bear Club Sandwich. He's the...

Vidiot 

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the New Year’s Babysitter. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 29, 2017

Wake me at 11:58 PM. First up...

The Mountain Between Us

The real key to surviving the wild is getting an appetite for wolf meat.

However, due to the altitude in this romantic-adventure, cougar meat is more likely.

  

When a storm strands an ill-tempered neurosurgeon (Idris Elba) and an engaged photojournalist (Kate Winslet) in Boise, the strangers pool their funds and hire a private contractor (Beau Bridges) to fly them through the tempest.

Mid-flight the pilot passes out and careens into a mountain, where the polar opposite pair battle the elements to make it to shelter. Along the way, they learn to lean on each other in more ways than one.

From its toothless circumstances to its lukewarm romance, this adaptation of the bestselling novel is a lopsided love story shoehorned into a tale of survival that never fully commits to either of its fanciful story lines.

Furthermore, be careful when making out with a starving person as they tend to bite.  Red Light

Flatliners

The worst part of dying is when the Grim Reaper shows up with your bill.

Existential reparation aside, returning to the living like they do in this horror more is much worse.

Using themselves as test subjects, a group of morbid medical students (Ellen Page, Diego Luna, Nina Dobrev) pierce the veil for a full minute before returning to the living with extraordinary new abilities.

  

But those aptitudes come at a price, and soon each participant is haunted back in the real world by the spectre of a past sin they have committed. Now, the only way to appease the spirits is to make amends.    

An unnecessary update of the middling 1990s psychological thriller, this tepid retelling doesn’t do much in way of adding to the pre-existing source material. With low-rent chills and half-ass performances, this stiff is DOA.  

Besides, it’s way cheaper to tempt death playing the choking game.  Red Light

***Oxygen Masquerade***

Final Destination

The key to affordable air travel is wearing everything in your suitcase.

However, this supernatural thriller occurs before passengers had to pay to bring luggage.

Suffering a traumatic vision of a plane crash minutes before he and his classmates are to board their flight to Paris, Alex (Devon Sawa) attempts to warn everyone but is ejected from the flight, with others (Seann William Scott, Ali Larter).

When the plane does explode, an unseen entity stalks those who heeded Alex’s warning and survived.  With freak events occurring all around them, the survivors must now stay one step ahead of Death itself.

The first installment in the long-running franchise, this 2000 teen horror still makes an impact. With an array of intricate occurrences to keep viewers tense, this invisible interpretation of the Grim Reaper is certainly a unique one.   

Moreover, the Reaper loves travelling by air because it reminds him of Hell. 

He’s a Fight or Flight Attendant. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Blitz(en)krieg. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 22, 2017

Santa fought against the allies in WWII. First up…

Dunkirk

The most heroic role a soldier can assume during wartime is that of USO entertainer.

Mind you, being in the thick of it, like the men in this drama, is a close second.

On the beaches of Dunkirk, 1940, a pair of privates (Fionn Whitehead, Aneurin Barnard), along with thousands of other British troops, attempt to evacuate soon-to-be Nazis occupied Frances.

Overhead, a RAF spitfire pilot (Tom Hardy) keeps encroaching German dive-bombers at bay while the Royal Navy (Kenneth Branagh) scrambles civilians (Mark Rylance) to assist in the mass exodus on their behalf.

With little dialogue to work with, writer/director Christopher Nolan’s depiction of the infamous English event is mostly told through sight and sound. And while both elements do provide many impactful moments in the film’s breezy runtime, the flimsy, inaccurate narrative and weak characters suffer unduly.

Moreover, the fastest way to flee during wartime is on repurposed catapults.  Yellow Light

Mother!

Houseguests are the reason why God created hotels, motels and hostiles.

Unfortunately, you would have to combine all 3 to accommodate the unwanted lodgers in this psychological horror.

Mother (Jennifer Lawrence) awakens in a strange house where she searches for her husband, Him (Javier Bardem), a prominent poet paralyzed by writer’s block. She eventually finds Him entertaining a man (Ed Harrris) and his family (Michelle Pfeiffer, Domhnall Gleeson), who have asked for accommodations.

When Mother becomes pregnant, Him’s creative juices begin to flow but his new work attracts throngs of fervent fans who invade and ransack the couple’s home.

A curious allegory on Eden, writer/director Darren Aronofsky delivers a divisive take on Mother Earth and her creator that will test viewer’s patience. Nevertheless, a case can be made for his artistic effort even though it my take time to appreciate.

Incidentally, to rid yourself of houseguests just disconnect the Wi-Fi.  Yellow Light  

***North Polemic***

  

Mrs. Santa Claus

Mrs. Claus is childless because she was made from spare doll parts by Santa’s elves.

Nonetheless, this fantasy maintains she is much more than Santa’s sex-doll.

After a fight with her husband (Charles Durning) over new flight paths for Christmas 1910, Anna Claus (Angela Lansbury) steals his magic sleigh and heads to NYC. But when Cupid gets hurt, she is laid over in the Big Apple and must lodge with a poor family. 

While slumming it, she involves herself in important social issues of the time, including child labour laws and a woman’s right to vote.

Although this is a Hallmark television movie from 1996, it does, in some wacky way, deal with real world woes head-on. As well, it manages to finally give Santa’s silently doting housewife a voice, and it’s a dissenting one at that.     

Furthermore, if Santa were a woman she would knock before entering your house.

He’s a Jingle Bellhop. He’s the…

Vidiot

  

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Snow Ballsy. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 15, 2017

Real holiday heroes die inside chimneys. First up…

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

The biggest difference between British and US intelligence is which side of the road they park the surveillance van.

Sadly, the spooks in this action-adventure have lost all of their spy gear.

When the Kingsman organization - save for Eggsy (Taron Egerton) and his quartermaster (Mark Strong) - is wiped out by a drug baroness, Poppy (Julianne Moore), intent on poisoning her users, the surviving Kingsman get aid from their American counterpart, The Statesman (Channing Tatum, Halle Berry, Jeff Bridges).

Now this ragtag team must penetrate Poppy’s Cambodian stronghold before her toxin takes the lives of millions.

The obligatory sequel to the groundbreaking original, this overstuffed follow-up features the same eye-popping action but ad nauseam this time. Furthermore, the cartoonishness of the violence has seeped into the script and acting, particularly Elton John’s excruciating performance.

Besides, if you kill all of the recreational drug users then alcoholics will run rampant.  Red Light

Detroit

Rioting nowadays only occurs when a sports team loses the championship.

However, as this drama reminds us, riots were once used to protest injustice.

In the wake of a police raid on an African-American club in 1967 Detroit, Governor Romney dispatches the National Guard to help local authorities contain the looting on 12th Street.

When shots are fired from a nearby motel, overzealous officer Philip Krauss (Will Poulter), his fellow guardsmen and a private security guard, Melvin Dismukes (John Boyega), violently interrogate the black occupants to find the shooter. Matters escalate when two white girls are assaulted under Krauss’ twisted game.

A chilling tale of police brutality that still holds true today, this well-acted and heart wrenching depiction of actual people and events is hard to watch at times, but harder still to ignore.

Furthermore, be sure to always carry a box of donuts with you to avoid police harassment.  Green Light

  

Home Again

The best thing about returning home is your parents are too weak to boss you around any more.

Unfortunately, the single mom in this rom-com only has one parent left to abuse.

In the wake of her separation from her record producer husband (Michael Sheen), fledgling interior designer Alice (Reese Witherspoon) moves back to LA to live in her filmmaker father’s mansion, so that her mother (Candice Bergen) can help rear her daughters while she starts her business.

Alice finds more assistance – and romance - when she invites three aspiring young filmmakers (Pico Alexander, Jon Rudnitsky, Nat Wolff) to live with her.

Light on laughs and a plausible love story, this dissertation on modern middle-aged womanhood is a shallow and delusional depiction that never finds its lead character rising above her petty sexual desires.

Besides, the only time men will squabble over an older woman is when she is a boat.  Red Light

***Married Christmas***

The Thin Man

The hardest part of being single at Christmas is figuring out what gift to get your sex doll.

Luckily, the couple in this whodunit can verbally communicate their wish list to each other.

When ex-gumshoe Nick Charles (William Powell) and his heiress wife Nora (Myrna Loy), along with their faithful terrier Asta, head to NYC for the holidays the last thing they expect to do is solve a murder. But when a client’s daughter (Maureen O'Sullivan) asks him to find her missing father, Nick has no choice but to help when a decomposed body turns up.

The first episode in the long-running film series based on Dashiell Hammett’s fast-talking, hard-drinking, crime solving couple of independent means, this initial installment is a triumph, not only in its sleuthing but in the chemistry between Charles’.

Incidentally, sticking a suspect’s tongue to a frozen pole is a good way to get a confession.

He’s Jack Frostbite. He’s the…

Vidiot