Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the ReGift of the Magi.  He’s the…

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Week of December 23, 2016

Jesus put Bethlehem on the map. First up…

The Magnificent Seven

Typically, when you unite seven cowboys you get a humdinger of a cowboy choir.

But, in the case of this western you get a posse of hired killers.

When a bloodthirsty businessman (Peter Sarsgaard) arrives in town with his armed associates looking to exploit the settlement’s mining operation, a recent widow (Haley Bennett) seeks out assistance.

She eventually convinces a warrant officer (Denzel Washington) to help, and he recruits six more to join the resistance, including an explosive expert (Chris Pratt), a sharpshooter (Ethan Hawke) and a tracker (Vincent D'Onofrio).

While preparing the townsfolk for battle, each gunslinger struggles with demons.

A well-acted redesign of John Sturges’ 1960 reimagining of Akira Kurosawa’s 1945 Seven Samurai, this 2016 upgrade is more or less a predictable replica of its predecessors but with less pathos and more violence.

Plus, the best way to deter unwanted cowboys is to dress the cacti as prostitutes.  Yellow Light

Sully

Any landing that you can walk away from is one that you can later sue the airline over.

Fortunately, the survivors in this drama are likely looking at a class action.

Forced to crash-land his plane on the Hudson River after both engines disengage, Captain Chesley Sullenberger (Tom Hanks) and his co-pilot Jeffrey Skiles (Aaron Eckhart) later face the good and bad repercussions of those action.

A hero to the public, a suspect to his superiors and a PTSD sufferer to himself, Sully challenges the flight simulator that deemed his motives pilot error in order to save his reputation.

An in-depth and insightful look at the reluctant hero’s post-crash world, this Clint Eastwood helmed biography based on Sully’s own book is a captivating account of that ill-fated day with an award worthy performance from Hanks.   

Incidentally, all of the corpses recovered from the Hudson that day were preexisting.  Green Light

Ben-Hur

The key to winning at Roman chariot racing is distracting the officials with underage boys.

Unfortunately, the competitor in this historical drama doesn’t even have that.

Ben-Hur (Jack Huston) takes the rap for an assassination attempt on Jerusalem’s new Roman representative Pontius Pilate (Pilou Asbæk) and ends up rowing on a galley until it’s destroyed in battle.

Newly exonerated, Ben-Hur is taken in by a sheik (Morgan Freeman) and taught how to race chariots. He eventually uses those skills to compete against his former friend and betrayer (Toby Kebbell), who sent his family away to live amongst the lepers.

Lacking a qualified actor to portray the resilient Jew and a director able to expound the parable’s virtue beyond its climactic race, this latest effects-laden adaptation of Lew Wallace’s biblical bestseller can’t even be redeemed by its obligatory JC cameo.

Moreover, Roman chariot races got really creepy after Caligula took over.  Red Light

***The Three Wise Gunmen***

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3 Godfathers

If America had authored the Bible the three wise men would also be bearing arms.

Proof positive is this oater about the legendary magi.

A band of bandits (John Wayne, Harry Carey, Jr., Pedro Armendáriz) abscond into the desert after a botched robbery with the relentless sheriff (Ward Bond) in hot pursuit.

Approaching dehydration, the trio stumbles upon a dying woman who makes them promise to escort her newborn son to the safety of New Jerusalem.

Reluctant, but motivated by the biblical comparison, the outlaws continue their perilous journey across the arid wasteland.    

Featuring all the hallmarks of a classic John Ford western, i.e. The Duke as the principal, Death Valley as the backdrop and antiheroes as the subject – this reimagining of the Christmas nativity is a respectable and enjoyable interpretation.     

Furthermore, if Mary and Joseph had been armed they would’ve got a room at the very first inn.

He’s the Tin Star of Bethlehem. He’s the…

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