Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Mismatch Maker. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 27, 2016

God is my plus-one. First up…

How to Be Single

The easiest way for a person to stay single is to stop bathing.

However, the singles in this rom-com are more concerned with attracting than repelling.

To gain worldliness, Alice (Dakota Johnson) dumps her boyfriend, moves to NYC, lives with her sister (Leslie Mann), and works at a law firm where her co-worker (Rebel Wilson) introduces her into the singles scene. Elsewhere, Lucy (Alison Brie) is knee-deep in online-dating horror stories.

But overtime each finds a potential partner (Damon Wayans Jr., Anders Holm, Jake Lacy, Jason Mantzoukas) and must choose their ultimate path.

The painfully familiar story of four single females navigating singledom in the city, HTBS is neither insightful nor plausible. The women are weepy, the men are unrealistic, and the script is disjointed and laden with unladylike language and behavior.

Besides, if being single is so much fun then why can’t we torch all of the wedding gowns?  Red Light

The Finest Hours

The worst thing about being in the Coast Guard is that the only bribes you ever receive are in the form of crustaceans.

Thankfully, all of the navel officers in this drama seem on the up and up.

On the day he’s to ask his commanding officer (Eric Bana) permission to marry his fiancée (Holliday Grainger), First Mate Bernie Webber (Chris Pine) and a skeleton crew (Ben Foster, Kyle Gallner, John Magaro) are dispatched to a grounded oil tanker off Cape Cod.

But Bernie’s tiny vessel, and the relentless nor’easter, could keep him from saving all 32 crewmembers (Casey Affleck, John Ortiz, Graham McTavish).

While it is a satisfying seafaring saga inspired by actual events from the 1950s, this Disney derring-do is never as harrowing as it should be, or as romantic as it tries to be.

Moreover, doesn’t maritime law decree that Coast Guard officers can only marry mer-people? Yellow Light

Triple 9

The worst thing about working for a Russian boss is their zero-tolerance policy towards bathroom breaks.

But as the thieves in this thriller have learned, working alongside them is even worse.

The wife of a convicted Russian crime boss (Kate Winslet) hires a coalition of career criminals  (Chiwetel Ejiofor, Norman Reedus, Aaron Paul) and crooked cops (Anthony Mackie, Clifton Collins, Jr.) to obtain a safe-deposit box from a bank for her.

But before she hands over payment, she now wants them to infiltrate a government building to steal more evidence to help overturn her husband’s sentence.

Meanwhile, two straight cops (Casey Affleck, Woody Harrelson) work the case from different angels.

Action-packed with some intriguing relationships and colorful characters, Triple 9 defies its numerous crime story clichés to formulate a forceful but ultimately forgettable heist picture.

Furthermore, cops and robs only work well together when it comes to fixing their marriage.  Yellow Light

***Til Violent Deaths Do Us Part***

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Bonnie and Clyde

You can tell a married couple has robbed a bank because only the joint chequing accounts were touched.

However, the armed lovers in this thriller make a point to steal from all accounts.

Small-time crook Clyde Barrow (Warren Beatty) first encounters small-town girl Bonnie Parker (Faye Dunaway) when he tries to steal her family’s car. But instead of calling the cops, she decides to come with him on a cross-country crime spree.

Together with Clyde’s brother (Gene Hackman) and his wife (Estelle Parsons), Bonnie and Clyde gain national notoriety with ever bank they knock over. But a tenacious Texas Ranger (Denver Pyle) is determined to bring them down hard.

With gripping performances and insight into their relationship, this 1967 version of the Great Depression’s star-crossed criminals still stands as the best cinematic depiction of their bloody rampage.

Incidentally, married bank-robbers are usually apprehended in their getaway car arguing over directions.

He’s a Getaway Car Salesman. He’s the…

 Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Recover Model. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 20, 2016

Modelling is just sleeping with the right creepy photographer. First up…

 

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Zoolander 2

Fashion isn’t filled with self-absorbed skinny people any more; it’s filled with narcissistic fat people.

Fortunately for the returning Adonis in this comedy, the plus size trend hasn’t affected the male modelling side.

After inadvertently killing his wife, former male-model Zoolander (Ben Stiller) returns from self-imposed exile to partner with a Fashion Interpol agent (Penélope Cruz) and a former rival (Owen Wilson) to save his estranged son (Cyrus Arnold) from a mad designer (Will Ferrell) who believes his blood is the key to eternal youth.

The extremely overdue sequel to the 15-year-old cult classic, this commercially-driven continuation of the conceited character is more concerned with gratuitous cameos than it is with fresh material.

In fact, writer-director Ben Stiller milks past favourites like Billy Zane and Will Ferrell to death, while the overall story just lacks vigor.

Incidentally, the only infirmity that still keeps people from being a super-model is being 5'5.  Red Light

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Dirty Grandpa

Spring break is convenient for senior citizens because they already all live in Florida.

And while the vulgar elder in this comedy isn’t there yet…he’s on his way.

Straight-laced lawyer Jason (Zac Efron) rekindles his relationship with his grandfather, Dick (Robert De Niro), at his grandmother’s funeral. During their interaction, he agrees to drive the widower to Boca Raton.

Much to the chagrin of his fiancée (Julianne Hough), Jason and Dick hit the road, where Jason learns his grandpa’s personality matches his phallic name.

From drugs and alcohol to felonies and coeds (Zoey Deutch, Aubrey Plaza), Dick’s determined to enrich his grandson’s stuffy lifestyle.

The timeworn tale of an eccentric mentor edifying an uptight pupil but drenched in geriatric semen jokes and soulless performances, this raunchy road trip is both equally pointless and repugnant.

Moreover, when you have unprotected sex with an old person you’re liable to contract liver spots.  Red Light

 

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The Witch

The key to surviving in a Puritan society was accusing as many people of witchcraft as you could.

Unfortunately, any accusation of necromancy in this horror movie would fall directly on relatives.

Excommunicated from their New England colony, William (Ralph Ineson), his wife (Kate Dickie), their eldest Thomasin (Anya Taylor-Joy) and her siblings relocate to an isolated homestead adjacent to a forest.

When the newborn and the eldest son disappear and the family’s goat starts speaking to the children, rumors of sorcery start circulating with Thomasin as the prime suspect.

An unnerving but authentic look at family life in 17th century, this multi-layered slow-burner embodies the dialect, dress and superstitions of the pious of those paranoid times.

Meanwhile, the subversive script is supplemented by haunting imagery, restrained direction and notable performances.

Mind you, any demon ordering you to dance naked in the woods is probably recording it from the bushes.  Yellow Light

 ***GreenWitch Village***

 

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Bell, Book and Candle

Witches got along with beatniks because their incessant bongo drumming helped conjure the devil.

The witch in this romance, however, is more attracted to their bohemian lifestyle.    

Free spirited sorceress Gillian (Kim Novak) places a love spell on her uptight neighbour Shep (James Stewart) after she learns he’s engaged to her former college rival (Janice Rule).

But her plan backfires when she falls for the bewitched publisher who has just hired an author (Ernie Kovacs) to pen a book on witchcraft in Greenwich Village with her warlock brother (Jack Lemmon) as a consultant.

The Technicolor adaption of the Broadway play inspired by the novel of the same name, this wicked little love story is set against the cool aesthetic of 1950s Beat culture and is one of few films on witchcraft where male witches are equally represented.

Mind you, no one wants to see naked wizards dancing in the woods.

He’s a Black Arts Critic. He’s the…

 

 Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Soldier of Fortune Cookies. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 13, 2016

You never see hired gun booths at the career fair. First up…

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Deadpool

When the random shooter jobs are all taken, mercenary work is the next best option for ex-military.

However, the garrulous gunman in this action-comedy proves you can do both.

Mercenary Wade Wilson (Ryan Reynolds) undergoes cancer treatment for his girlfriend (Morena Baccarin). But instead of a cure, the formula activates his mutant healing ability and leaves him disfigured.

With help from some X-Men (Brianna Hildebrand, Stefan Kapičić) he adopts a mask, a moniker and a light-hearted outlook on his off kilter quest for revenge on the perpetrator (Ed Skrein).

From Reynolds on-point portrayal, to the cartoony violence and the fourth-wall narrative, this reappearance of Marvel’s merc with a mouth after his ill-fated debut in an earlier X-film is a ribald and refreshing reboot that is as faithful to the self-aware smart-ass as can be.

Furthermore, it shows burn victims a jazzy costume is all they need to reacclimatize to society.  Green Light

The Boy

The best thing about babysitting British kids is they’ll believe your skulking boyfriend is actually a magical chimney sweep.

Unfortunately, that fib wouldn’t fly with the inanimate child in this horror movie.

After a breakup stateside, Great (Lauren Cohan) gets a nanny gig at an English manor where she’ll be looking after the Heelshire’s (Jim Norton, Diana Hardcastle) son, Brahms.

When she arrives she’s shocked to learn Brahms is really a doll the homeowners believe to be their deceased son. While they’re away, Greata must adhere to Brahms’ strict schedule, or face his cruel wraith.

Relying on the played out premise of a possessed doll to deliver its hackneyed scares, this horrible haunter has no redeeming qualities to speak of, including the toy’s design or it’s failed attempt at an eerie ambiance.

Besides, the only way to rid yourself of a haunted doll is to give it to your dog.  Red Light

***Dead Pool Cleaner***

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The Dead Pool

To successfully predict celebrity deaths, you must first know which stars are addicted to Percocet.   

Thankfully, the detective in this action movie has a cheat sheet of likely victims.

Renowned police inspector Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) and his new partner (Evan C. Kim) investigate a singer’s (Jim Carrey) death on the set of a music video.

When the producer is also killed, a list of names surfaces that reveals a morbid game in which participants bet on the life expectancy of famous people, including Callahan.

On a tip from the director (Liam Neeson), Callahan’s turned on to a schizophrenic super-fan (David Hunt).

The final Dirty Harry movie, this iffy fifth installment in the franchise doesn’t do much in the way of delivering a memorable departure, save for its title, which Marvel later used for a comic-book character.

Nowadays, when a singer inadvertently dies on-set they just activate their hologram.

He’s a Third World Tour Manager.  He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s an Online Shoplifter. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of May 6, 2016

Online fitting rooms never feel safe. First up…

Joy

The Home Shopping Network works exactly like online shopping, except quantities are limited and time is running out.

Two things the aspiring inventor in this dramedy knows all too well. 

Determined to bring her removable mop-head to market, single mother Joy Mangano (Jennifer Lawrence) convinces a QVC bigwig (Bradley Cooper) to allow her the rare opportunity to host her own segment, which eventually brings in sales.

But a shifty manufacturer recommended by her deadbeat dad’s (Robert De Niro) girlfriend (Isabella Rossellini) could put an end to all of her success, her supply and her patent.

Based on the semi-motivational true story, Joy’s ensemble cast and offbeat direction offers the only entertainment in this breezy biography. Whereas the plodding script only services those highpoints as it lurches towards its inspiring yet manipulated ending.

Maybe next time they could focus on a real QVC superstar, like, the inventor of porcelain clown figurines.  Yellow Light

 

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The 5th Wave

The easiest way for invading aliens to assimilate into our society is by staging a televised singing competition.

Unfortunately, the enslaved adolescents in this sci-fi movie have no vocal range.

When aggressors from outer space unleash an array of orchestrated attacks on the Earth, including EMPs, earthquakes, plagues and the possession of human hosts, military-trained teenagers (Chloë Grace Moretz, Nick Robinson, Maika Monroe) are tasked by their superiors (Liev Schreiber, Maria Bello) with exterminating the infected adult population, and averting the 5th and final assault.

But when members of the junior militia start exhibiting inhuman abilities, the real purpose behind their formation is revealed.

With its derivative body-snatching script, pedestrian creature design and obvious twist ending, this monotonous adaptation of the YA novel is a much lower-caliber film than its post-apocalyptic counterparts.  

Besides, when you send teenagers to fight aliens the hybrid birth rate ends up going through the roof.  Red Light

 

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The Choice

The hardest part of having a loved one in a coma is knowing when to pull the plug…on their cable subscription.

However, the hopeful husband in this romance hasn’t called DirecTV just yet.

Adversaries from the get-go, Gabby (Teresa Palmer) deplores her new neighbor Travis (Benjamin Walker). But with her boyfriend (Tom Welling) overseas, she begins to see Travis in a new light after learning he’s the town’s vet, alongside his father (Tom Wilkinson).

When Gabby and Travis marry, an accident leaves her in a vegetative state, and him with the choice of terminating her life support.

With its laughable dialogue, elongated exposition and ham-fisted leads, this latest Nicholas Sparks adaptation is one of the worst. In fact, the religious undertones of the ending are nothing but an idealistic cop out to this complex issue.

As for the best way to rouse your comatose wife: bring your mistress ‘round the hospital.  Red Light

***Coma Chameleon***

 

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While You Were Sleeping

The best time to pull the plug on a coma patient is right before their medical insurance runs out.

Fortunately, the vegetable in this romantic-comedy has an excellent health benefits package.

Feigning an affiliation with a comatose passenger, Peter (Peter Gallagher), who was attacked on the L train, transit employee Lucy (Sandra Bullock) maintains this pretext when his family (Peter Boyle, Monica Keena, Glynis Johns) arrives at the hospital.

However, her scheme goes awry when she starts falling for Peter’s younger brother Jack (Bill Pullman). Things get even more complicated when Peter wakes up and doesn’t recognize her as his fiancée.

While its plot is highly unorthodox - bordering on creepy – and its starry-eyed cliches are palpable, Bullock’s girl-next-door demeanour does manage to transform this stalker-esque love story into a charming little rom-com about excessive lying.

Incidentally, to payoff medical expenses coma victims can always moonlight as mattress store mannequins.

He’s a Vegetative Statesman. He’s the…

Vidiot