You Were Kind, You Did Rewind

He's the Bad Newsmaker of the Year. He's the...

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Week of December 30, 2016

The Best and Worst Movie of the Year (Respectively). First up....

 

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Captain America: Civil War

The good thing about being resuscitated today is Captain America and Bucky no longer have to hide their gay relationship.

Mind you, this action/fantasy still plays it as a brotherly bond.

When someone gains access to the Winter Soldier’s (Sebastian Stan) trigger words, they order him to attack a UN conference on the registration of enhanced humans.

Now Cap (Chris Evans) and some like-minded Avengers (Elizabeth Olsen, Anthony Mackie, Jeremy Renner) are opposing Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.) and the rest (Scarlett Johansson, Paul Bettany, Don Cheadle) in order to protect Bucky, and their right to fight ungoverned.

While it’s the third entry in the Cap franchise, Civil War feels like a mini Avengers movie considering the number of cameos in it. Fortunately, Cap remains at the forefront of this multifaceted and masterfully crafted chapter.

However, unlike America’s other Civil War this version has a serious lack of Mutton Chops. 

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Suicide Squad

When assembling a team of suicidal soldiers always ensure they wear parachutes when free falling into a mission.

Oddly, the miserable crew in this action movie is more inclined to kill others.

When an ancient evil (Cara Delevingne) transforms the inhabitants of Midway City into ferocious monstrosities, military high-up Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) orders the formation of an elite taskforce of super criminals.

Under the authority of Rick Flag (Joel Kinnaman), and the control of explosive body-implants, marksman Deadshot (Will Smith), psychopath Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie) and others (Jai Courtney, Jay Hernandez, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) are dispatched to defeat the threat.

A hodgepodge of hokey fantasy, low-rent super-powers and innumerable shootouts, DC’s film adaptation of its obscure comic book is yet another misfire from the company’s second-rate canon. And while Robbie does embody Harley, her performance is reduced to eye-candy. 

Ironically, most soldiers who do see military action end up suicidal. 

He's a Happy Hourglass. He's the...

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s the ReGift of the Magi.  He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 23, 2016

Jesus put Bethlehem on the map. First up…

The Magnificent Seven

Typically, when you unite seven cowboys you get a humdinger of a cowboy choir.

But, in the case of this western you get a posse of hired killers.

When a bloodthirsty businessman (Peter Sarsgaard) arrives in town with his armed associates looking to exploit the settlement’s mining operation, a recent widow (Haley Bennett) seeks out assistance.

She eventually convinces a warrant officer (Denzel Washington) to help, and he recruits six more to join the resistance, including an explosive expert (Chris Pratt), a sharpshooter (Ethan Hawke) and a tracker (Vincent D'Onofrio).

While preparing the townsfolk for battle, each gunslinger struggles with demons.

A well-acted redesign of John Sturges’ 1960 reimagining of Akira Kurosawa’s 1945 Seven Samurai, this 2016 upgrade is more or less a predictable replica of its predecessors but with less pathos and more violence.

Plus, the best way to deter unwanted cowboys is to dress the cacti as prostitutes.  Yellow Light

Sully

Any landing that you can walk away from is one that you can later sue the airline over.

Fortunately, the survivors in this drama are likely looking at a class action.

Forced to crash-land his plane on the Hudson River after both engines disengage, Captain Chesley Sullenberger (Tom Hanks) and his co-pilot Jeffrey Skiles (Aaron Eckhart) later face the good and bad repercussions of those action.

A hero to the public, a suspect to his superiors and a PTSD sufferer to himself, Sully challenges the flight simulator that deemed his motives pilot error in order to save his reputation.

An in-depth and insightful look at the reluctant hero’s post-crash world, this Clint Eastwood helmed biography based on Sully’s own book is a captivating account of that ill-fated day with an award worthy performance from Hanks.   

Incidentally, all of the corpses recovered from the Hudson that day were preexisting.  Green Light

Ben-Hur

The key to winning at Roman chariot racing is distracting the officials with underage boys.

Unfortunately, the competitor in this historical drama doesn’t even have that.

Ben-Hur (Jack Huston) takes the rap for an assassination attempt on Jerusalem’s new Roman representative Pontius Pilate (Pilou Asbæk) and ends up rowing on a galley until it’s destroyed in battle.

Newly exonerated, Ben-Hur is taken in by a sheik (Morgan Freeman) and taught how to race chariots. He eventually uses those skills to compete against his former friend and betrayer (Toby Kebbell), who sent his family away to live amongst the lepers.

Lacking a qualified actor to portray the resilient Jew and a director able to expound the parable’s virtue beyond its climactic race, this latest effects-laden adaptation of Lew Wallace’s biblical bestseller can’t even be redeemed by its obligatory JC cameo.

Moreover, Roman chariot races got really creepy after Caligula took over.  Red Light

***The Three Wise Gunmen***

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3 Godfathers

If America had authored the Bible the three wise men would also be bearing arms.

Proof positive is this oater about the legendary magi.

A band of bandits (John Wayne, Harry Carey, Jr., Pedro Armendáriz) abscond into the desert after a botched robbery with the relentless sheriff (Ward Bond) in hot pursuit.

Approaching dehydration, the trio stumbles upon a dying woman who makes them promise to escort her newborn son to the safety of New Jerusalem.

Reluctant, but motivated by the biblical comparison, the outlaws continue their perilous journey across the arid wasteland.    

Featuring all the hallmarks of a classic John Ford western, i.e. The Duke as the principal, Death Valley as the backdrop and antiheroes as the subject – this reimagining of the Christmas nativity is a respectable and enjoyable interpretation.     

Furthermore, if Mary and Joseph had been armed they would’ve got a room at the very first inn.

He’s the Tin Star of Bethlehem. He’s the…

Vidiot

Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s Rum Punch-Drunk. He’s the…

Vidiot

Week of December 16, 2016

The holidays are just sanctioned alcoholism. First up…

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Suicide Squad

When assembling a team of suicidal soldiers always ensure they wear parachutes when free falling into a mission.

Oddly, the miserable crew in this action movie is more inclined to kill others.

When an ancient evil (Cara Delevingne) transforms the inhabitants of Midway City into ferocious monstrosities, military high-up Amanda Waller (Viola Davis) orders the formation of an elite taskforce of super criminals.

Under the authority of Rick Flag (Joel Kinnaman), and the control of explosive body-implants, marksman Deadshot (Will Smith), psychopath Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie) and others (Jai Courtney, Jay Hernandez, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) are dispatched to defeat the threat.

A hodgepodge of hokey fantasy, low-rent super-powers and innumerable shootouts, DC’s film adaptation of its obscure comic book is yet another misfire from the company’s second-rate canon. And while Robbie does embody Harley, her performance is reduced to eye-candy. 

Ironically, most soldiers who do see military action end up suicidal.  Red Light

 

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Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

The best thing about odd-looking children is never having to worry about them being kidnapped.

The weirdoes in this fantasy are doubly safe as they also reside inside of a time loop.

Obsessed with visiting the magical institution his grandfather (Terence Stamp) told him of, Jake (Asa Butterfield) travels to England.

Not only does he eventually find it tucked away in time, but becomes well acquainted with the shape shifting headmistress (Eva Green) and her extraordinary students, like lighter-than-air Emma (Ella Purnell) or the invisible boy and strong girl, as well as their enemy (Samuel L. Jackson) who desires their eyeballs.

Tim Burton’s adaptation of the YA novel, this dark and dreary adventure is suited to the director’s morose palate. However, the overall story is pretty straightforward and the quirky characters are kind of stock and forgettable.

Incidentally, these exceptional children could make good wages as extras in X-Men movies.  Yellow Light

Bridget Jones's Baby

The best part about having a baby when you are old is that you can share diapers.

Mind you, the mature mother in this rom-com can still control her body functions.

Bumbling Brit Bridget Jones (Renée Zellweger) manages to get knocked up on her 43rd birthday. Worse, she doesn’t know if the father is her recently divorced ex-boyfriend (Colin Firth), or the dating website magnate (Patrick Dempsey) she copulated with at the music festival.

Telling the would-be candidates while forgoing the paternity tests, Bridget breeds a rivalry between the men, which she fosters until the very end.

The anticipated third entry in the film adaptation of the beloved book series, this second sequel delivers a more familiar Bridget than the previous instalment. Less animated and more grounded, fervent fans will rejoice Bridget’s return to recklessness.

Besides, whoever can afford to send the kid to bordering school should be the dad. Yellow Light

 

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Florence Foster Jenkins

The hardest part of being in the opera nowadays is convincing people that the opera still exists.

Fortunately, the diva in this dramedy lives in an era when it actually thrived.

With all the aspirations of an operatic soloist but none of the vocal talent, socialite Florence Foster Jenkins (Meryl Streep) unknowingly relies on her younger husband, St. Clair Bayfield (Hugh Grant), to grease the palms of her adoring audience beforehand.

Florence’s flaws are duly noted by her new accompanist Cosmé McMoon (Simon Helberg), who is not only baffled by St. Clair’s actions, but also the audience’s admiration over her atrocious arias.

While the fact-based script vacillates between solemn biography and comical musical with varying results, there is no mistaking the magic of Streep’s remarkable turn as the world’s worst opera singer.

Moreover, how can you call yourself an opera singer when you can still stand under your own weight?  Green Light

***12 Steps of Christmas***

 

A Very Sunny Christmas

Christmas is that special time of year when happy and depressed people can both drink together in excess.

  

Fortunately, the friends in this comedy own a tavern.

The immoral proprietors of a dive bar in Philly, Dennis (Glenn Howerton) and his sister Dee (Kaitlin Olson), exact Dickensian revenge on their corrupt father, Frank (Danny DeVito), who tricks them out of great gifts every year, by having an old business partner of his haunt him.

Meanwhile, the other titleholders, Charlie (Charlie Day) and Mack (Rob McElhenney), reminisce over childhood memories resulting in some shocking revelations about both of their family Christmas traditions.

An extended episode of the cult comedy It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia that’s been rebranded a Christmas special, this twisted seasonal treat is just as outrageously hilarious as the long-running series that requires annual viewing while intoxicated.

Besides, without alcohol Christmas would just be some tawdry display of commercialism.

He’s a Bad Eggnog. He’s the…

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