Be Kind, Please Rewind

He’s a Mistletoe Truck Driver. He’s the…

Vidiot 

Week of December 19, 2014

Nothing spreads cold sores like mistletoe. First up…

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The best thing about turtles is that they leave eggs in the sand for you to cook up on the beach after surfing.

Unfortunately the ova in this action movie were deposited in the sewer.

Raised underground by a mutated rat (Tony Shalhoub) with ninjutsu training, four equally mutated turtles (Johnny Knoxville, Alan Ritchson, Jeremy Howard, Noel Fisher) grow up to protect NYC from the Foot Clan, and its leader: The Shredder. 

Meanwhile, newshound April O’Neil (Megan Fox) and her cameraman (Will Arnett) are keen on exposing the vigilantes. 

But doing so uncovers a forgotten link between her, her father’s secret mutagen, and her new subterranean friends. 

Marred by poor character designs, terrible vocal talent and unwarranted deviations from the mythos, this live-action/computer animated version of the underground comic fails to connect with new or even established fans.

Incidentally, when a disgraced ninja-turtle commits seppuku, it means turtle soups for dinner.  Red Light

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The Maze Runner 

The key to running a maze without getting lost is to leave a trail of Gatorade behind.

However, sports drinks are hard to come by in this sci-fi movie.

Waking in an agrestic setting surrounded by teenage boys, Thomas (Dylan O'Brien) struggles to remember who he is.

Initially bullied by the leader’s (Aml Ameen) muscle (Will Poulter), Thomas aligns himself with Newt (Thomas Brodie-Sangster), second in command, and starts piecing things together.

He also begins training as a runner in hopes of entering the monolithic maze in which Thomas believes their freedom lays.

But the first female (Kaya Scodelario) introduced into their boys club could doom them all.

Conceptually dark, as well as thematically, this adaptation of the popular dystopian YA novel offers up an intriguing and perplexing premise, supplemented by strong talent and creature design.

Incidentally, at the heart of every all-male society is a mountain of unwashed underwear.  Green Light

***Hannunchuk***

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The Hebrew Hammer

The irony of Jesus being Jewish is he’d likely celebrate Hanukkah over Christmas.

However, this comedy speaks to the other Christmas mascot.

Bullied as a kid for his beliefs, Mordechai grows up to protect Jews from persecution as The Hebrew Hammer (Adam Goldberg).

When his services are needed by the black community to help stop Santa’s son (Andy Dick) from eradicating Kwanzaa, Hammer is hesitate until he learns those plans include Hanukkah as well.

Backed by the leader of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front (Mario Van Peebles), the chief of the Jewish Justice League (Peter Coyote) and the chief’s daughter (Judy Greer), The Hebrew Hammer hunts down Damian.

With a surprisingly funny performance from Andy Dick, The Hebrew Hammer is a self-deprecating spoof of every religious observance in December with the streetwise sensibilities of a 1970s blaxploitation film.

Besides, without Kwanzaa and Hanukkah decorations retailers would have half of a shelf to fill.

He’s Santa Semitic . He’s the…

Vidiot